Go watch this movie... no seriously now, go rent it

Watched this movie tonight and it is the cutest movie ever. It's beautiful and a fun story. And if it wasn't about a very awkward cute gay couple my parents could even like it because it has no swearing or sex scenes or violence or anything. It's a good movie. I even picked it up at blockbuster. Plus it's funny because the straight people in this little town play match maker which is quite comedic.

The movie is called Big Eden.

New to me music - Laura Reed

 

Lo saw these guys in concert tonight and told me to check them out. I like them. The One World song is the most peppy of them and a lot of others would be great for a date night. What I think is even cooler is this player they use. Isn't it neat? You can embed it on any blog.

Ellen's wedding

jj posted this and not to copy but...since you all don't read her blog I wanted to post it too because you may not have seen it. So so sweet.

Your courage asks me what I am made of.

I was blog reading here tonight, thinking about this longing to do more, be more, seek more, question more...just more something. I was on a metaphorical journey in search of the "more". when I heard the lines of this video.

My favorite lines in this video are:

"Your courage asks me, what I am made of? Your courage asks me, what I am afraid of, and what do I know of love." And then the line: "Your pain has changed me."

These lines represent a re-occurring set of questions in my life. Questions that come up every couple years. They are questions about more of the form of life, then the function. "How shall I than live?" They ask me more than: What am I going to do with my next five or ten years. Or even "who am I?"

Instead, they ask: What is the container of my life? What are courage, love, or other people's stories asking me? Have I been changed by someone else's pain? In the face of anyone who lives bravely, how can I live a mediocre life? And ultimately this last question is the one I always seem to trip across every couple years.

I no longer think I can change the world, like I did in high school after reading "I love the word impossible" by Ann Kiemel. And that would be a bit too narcissistic anyway. But I think this one poem of hers will probably haunt me until I'm dead. And for now I think it is not such a bad thing to be haunted by even if what the impossible is has now changed for me. (She writes totally in lower case, just fyi)

i love the word impossible
by Ann Kiemel

i love the word impossible
it's like joy after sorrow.
people being friends after being enemies.
rainbows after drenching rain.
a wound healed.
sunsets on quiet evenings after hot, noisy days.
paralyzed, injured limbs learning to grow strong and useful again.
forgiveness after wrong.
truth after fog.
new l0ve-made babies.
birds learning to fly and own the sky.
bitterness turned to mellowness.
fresh, genuine, hope ...once abandoned.
people finding each other at the right moments in unexpected obscure places
for God-ordained reasons.
i love that word impossible because my God believes in adventure and extraordinary mountains, and he dares to be alive
in a world crawling with terrible situations.
he promises to be bigger than any impossibility
because he is love and love always finds a way through in time.
love isn't scared
it build bridges instead of walls
it always hangs on
it waits with stubborn, strong, hope sometimes even years.
love makes God alive in far more than human souls .....

IMPOSSIBLE means that i, an ordinary young woman, can be something special and significant in an enormous hurting world.
I can be love where i live and that is Christ...
and he really does make ALL the difference!

See if you read that many times when you were young it would still probably be with you too.

I don't have internet at home but I do have a new Frederick Buechner book!

My internet's out at home. Hopefully it will be online soon. So I have to do any blogging at work before I start work and that of course is not as much fun. You don't really realize how amazing it is to have internet at home until it goes out.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and got my butt to a 5:15 a.m. group ride class at my gym. After nearly falling off my stationary bike I got myself back home and then in and out of the shower.

And then I read in this new book I got from my friend Nic. It's daily readings of Frederick Buechner (wikipiedia). I am liking it a lot. He writes in a way that is different than everything I've heard on a topic. Especially about religion. Plus it takes only about three minutes to read because the book has taken his key works and put them into a collection of daily readings. How convenient! It's like doing daily devotions (if you know what those are) but not really because his writing is more spacious and holds a wider expanse of my thoughts than the typical christian devotional.

If you want to read more about him here's an interesting read from PBS Religion and Ethics News Weekly

I'll leave you with a couple Buechner quotes, these are actually from online not from the book I'm reading but...

"If it seems a childish thing to do, do it in remembrance that you are a child."

“Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death.”

“Religion points to that area of human experience where in one way or another man comes upon mystery as a summons to pilgrimage.”

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

God Save Us From Your Followers (The movie)

People around here are talking about this movie "God Save Us From Your Followers". Very interesting!

The 10 minute preview



The interview on Good Morning America

I can get Pandora Radio on my iphone - Now that's cool!

I just upgraded my iphone/itunes software so it has the new apps store. Basically what this means is I have some new cool toys. My favorite is Pandora. It's like having radio on my iphone. Everywhere I go I can listen to a radio station created just for me based on any song, artist, or genre. It's pretty cool. I'm currently listening to Jacqui Naylor Radio, it's jazz. It plays other artists that I might like "if I like Jacqui Naylor". So the last song was "Too Close for Comfort" by Dianne Reeves. Damn, these iphones are fun and so is pandora. The human genome project is so impressive! You can use it on your computer as well. :)

Remembering when rock and roll was dangerous

Saw this on dawn's blog and decided to collect it here too. As one of those evangelicals who once attended an event that told the dangers of rock and roll music I found this fascinating.

No, I never burned any tapes, we weren't that into the dangers of rock and roll. I think my parents did realize it was a bit overboard. But I did get a button. The practice (burning rock and roll music) would fit into some versions of "earlier" christianity, according to Borg. Yes it's good to think about good things not bad things. But there is not hidden bad messages in music!

At about nine minutes into this video he does this thing on how we hear what we want to hear when he plays music backwards. The whole thing is an interesting listen though. :)

A meme this book addicted girl would of course love!

The rules of the meme:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

So, I wasn't tagged. However I did read it on "Recovering straight girl" (a pretty decent blog if I might say so) and I wanted to play along because I adore books and I love to hear what other people are reading about. In fact I love it so much I really hope even if you do not blog you come and leave your book and three sentences in my comments area. :)

So here's mine. My nearest book with actual page numbers is "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd.

page 123. I found the fifth sentence and here are the next three (plus one) sentences.

These were the questions I asked myself. Finding answers was made more difficult by the fact that so little attention is paid in our culture to the value of waiting. I could find no books about the process of the waiting journey, no blueprints for a chrysalis, no classes on how to wait. One evening I heard Professor James Fowler of Candler School of Theology at Emory University lecture. He lamented, "We are always wanting to put people on escalators to go to the next stage of faith as quickly as possible."

If she can I tag zuzu's petal's (although I doubt any of her books these days have 123 pages. :), polka dots and hiccups, a large number of small experiences, blogicalinks, and random reflections.

If you haven't heard of Howard Zinn you have missed out!

After running in the rain, accidentally, I am now dry and having a video night. I am watching a documentary on Howard Zinn. I think highly of him. He is an activist, historian, protester of the war, marcher for civil rights, and all around stunning man. He was a professor for a while at Spellman College (a black University) then Boston University.

The damn documentary made me cry. I don't know why. It's good but not that stunning. It's a documentary. But, I think I cried because I am not making a difference.

I just live my life. It's a life I'm a fan of especially lately. But watching this makes me realize, in comparison, what I could be, could do... for... civil rights, the poor, gay rights.... I haven't even protested the war. Lo protested the war. (which by the way I find so attractive).

And I know it's always about the next ten feet. I can't change the world, but I can go the next ten feet. I can vote. I can be as "out" to family and friends. I can speak truth to power. I can see and speak of history and our story from the view of the powerless... like Howard Zinn.

His best selling history book tells history from the point of view of the powerless. And let me tell you this is rare! Who does that? Most history books are told from who won. The winners are the ones who get to tell history and they leave out who lost who was decimated. Not Zinn. He tells history from the perspective of Native Americans white settlers decimated, African Americans we enslaved, Chinese who were in work camps. He makes clear that people that seem to have no power: working people, women, the poor have a power that no on can express.

And he stresses that we never start from scratch, as a nation, or as individuals. There is a long history of resistance to power throughout history. I recommend the documentary "Howard Zinn: You can't be nutral on a moving train" and especially his book A People's History of the United States: Present

Books

A People's History of the United States: Present - 2003 - 760 pages
The Twentieth Century: A People's History - 2003 - 516 pages
The Zinn Reader: Writings on Disobedience and ... - 1997 - 675 pages

Summer reading

Summer is coming. For many it's already here, but for me it started yesterday when I handed in my final paper. I woke up this morning to an NPR story on Starbucks. I think I will need to go there this morning to celebrate.

So this summer I have decided to try and walk to work as much as possible (considering gas prices!). I want to work out more regularly. I also want to read books. I also woke up this morning thinking of all the books I want to read this summer. Maybe I will blog about them.

Summer reading list from school. This does not include all the books I want to read this summer. I went to the library and brought home two novels. I miss fiction!

• Balsam, Rosemary, Becoming a psychotherapist
• Basch, Michael, Doing psychotherapy
• Bruch, Hilda, Learning psychotherapy
• Kotin, Joel, Getting started: an introduction to dynamic psychotherapy
• Kottler, Jeffrey, On becoming a therapist
• Storr, Anthony, The art of psychotherapy
  
• Axline, Virginia, DIBS in search of self, New York: Ballantine Books, 1964.
• Green, Joanne, I never promised you a rose garden
• Cooper-White, Pamela, Shared wisdom: Use of the self in pastoral counseling, Minneapolis: Fortress, 2004.
• Dittes, James, Pastoral counseling the basics
• Doehring, Carrie, The practice of pastoral care: a postmodern approach, Louisville: Westminster John Knox, 2006.
• Kornfeld, Margaret, Cultivating wholeness, New York: Continuum, 2004.
• Ross, Alistair, Counselling skills for church and faith community workers, Maidenhead: Open University Press, 2003.

Sue Monk Kidd is a great speaker

Last night I had tickets for me and my friend nic to go hear Sue Monk Kidd. I tried to take a picture, but you can't see her AT ALL because the lights on her were so bright. It was one of those wonderful times when I get quiet inside and just listen. When I get to enjoy hearing someone whose writing I adore speak about topics I adore. Topics like: The soul, women, the writing life, dreams, vocation and much more. She was, I felt, very down-to-earth.

These quotes are on the wall midway up the stairway that goes up to her writing room. Which is a cool idea. She used these quotes to hang the rest of her talk on. Read about these quotes from her own pen here. My favorite is the last one!

A woman must have a room of her own. - Virginia Woolf

"I can't give you any advice but this: to go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows" -Ranier Maria Rilke

“If we had to say what writing is, we would describe it essentially as an act of courage.” Cynthia Ozick.

The imagination needs time to browse. -Thomas Merton

If you ask me what I came to do in the world I will tell you. I came to live out loud. - Emile Zola

Question? What does my out-loudness serve? I don't have an awnser for this yet. But I have some strong ideas. Mostly though after craving "voice" and a "life out loud" for so many years not I feel my "out loudness" is finally pointed in a productive direction.

Besides the reflections birthed in me because of her talking about these quotes I also liked how she came to write the passage in the book "The Mermaid Chair" about the main character walking into the water and saying to herself lines that are typically in marriage ceremonies. "I take you __________ (enter your own name) in sickness and health, for richer for poorer...." Don't we all need to do that! We all need a moment where we marry ourselves. Commit to love and charish and take care of ourselves for the sake of others in the world, for the sake of vocation and calling, for the sake of what our "out-loudness" is meant to serve! And I believe if we do not do that we will never be able to marry another person.

It was a wonderful evening. Now because nic gushed so much about it I'm off to buy her book When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions (Plus)

The TV show, Dark Angel

I'm a fan of the old tv show, Dark Angel. It chronicles the life of Max Guevara (X5-452), a genetically enhanced super-soldier, portrayed by Jessica Alba as an adult, and Geneva Locke as a child.

It was on from 2000-2002 and I watched it then, but I netflixed it recently and watched four episodes last night. I realized I had seen them all but it was still fun to watch. Really, who doesn't want to watch a super-soldier Jessica Alba?

I tend to like characters that are physically altered (eg. X-Men...). I also like this show because there is this super fun character named Original Cindy (real name Valarie Rae Miller) who is a lesbian and Max's side kick. Max has an almost but not quite happening relationship with a character named Logan Cale.

See pictures at the IMBD site here.

Jacqui Naylor - Jazz

I'm writing a 12 page paper today on my career development methodology and mode of counseling, and all that jazz... Speaking of Jazz I'm listening to it. A new artist I just found from listening to GLT Jazz next podcast is Jacqui Naylor.

Here's your job if you choose to accept it. Listen to her on pandora (Jacqui Naylor on pandora). Then watch the video and tell me if she looks like her voice sounds. Because I think her voice is totally amazing, but I was a bit surprised when I saw her.

Were you?

The book about God that made me say the F word

So on my silent retreat I read a couple books....and I'm afraid one of them so addled my brain I can only describe it properly as a mind f---- . Yes, I am so sorry to be that crass. Especially for those of you who know me in person and know I don't swear. But it really is the only proper description of the book's impact. This damn book put more questions in me than one year of bible college and my two years of Seminary combined. But, let me list the two other books I read first.

1. "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist.
   This is the book Nic loaned me because we each swap a book when we go on retreat. She gave me this one to look at. Cold Tangerines is a happy warm fussy orange book. Shauna talks about her rebellion from christianity phase and what it was like growing up as a pastors kid. Since she is Bill Hybels daughter (pastor of willow creek) I imagine it was a bit more of a fish bowl experience than my growing up as a pastors kid. I could relate to all her pastors kid stuff. It was a super book. Although I must admit I stopped paying attention when at 3/4 through she got to the baby making part, not being in the baby making phase.
   Quote: "Start where you are stuck"
   

2. Swallow by a Snake: The gift of the masculine side of healing by Thomas Golden
   This was actually for my counseling of men class, but I loved it and it was also good for a silent retreat. It talked about how men and women grieve. There were some good analogies to think through regarding grief. I have had entire silent retreats where I just purged grief and cried a lot. I think this time I cried just for about 10 minutes and it was while reading this book. I started thinking about how my family is grieving me these days.
   Quote: "For a man to show his grief he needs to know he is respected."
   
   
3. If Grace Is True Why God will Save Every Person by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland
   This is the book that was a bit of a mind f____. I think it was so hard for me because I want to agree with this book, and for good chunks of it I do. However, some of it took a lot of what I learned about God and christianity in seminary and turned it on it's head. Plus, the authors would say something shocking that I did not agree with at all, followed immediately by content that is more traditionally and theologically accepted which most of the time explained away my shock. I am still a bit taken aback. It takes so very much energy for me to tease apart what about this book I don't agree with. It made me want to read the old school guy Origen. I didn't know it when I was reading but I think this book is the entry way to christian universalism. I should do a survey to see if glbt folks become quakers and universalists at higher rates. Because it seems/feels like that is what happens.
   
   Another thing, instead of just read the bible in it's historical context letting that explain some of it they keep and disregard biblical scriptures based on how they line up with the Jesus Creed: "Love the lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself." Which means entire chunks of the old testament are gone.
   
   
4. The Bible
   I started reading the bible itself. The book above at the very least re-birthed my desire to figure out what kind of gymnastics my theology is doing in my head. I started with the book of John.
   

Comic Books and theology discussions

So a girl (from my no longer in existence "coming out" support group) and I hung out last night. She is really into comic books. We met at a huge comic book store. I have never been to a comic book store before. It was packed with more comic books than I knew existed. I was a bit surprised by it thinking that it would just be a little hole in the wall store.

Not only was it huge, there was a college class meeting in there doing a Q&A with a comic book artist. Sorry, I don't know who. Whoever he was he had some strong opinions!

My tour of comic books was pretty extensive because she's into so many comic books artists that I can't even list them for you. We spend a chunk of time talking about Manga (the Japanese word for comics) but I felt overwhelmed by starting with them because there are so many. Right now, I only remember the two I thought about buying and one other.

First the tragic-comic Fun Home by Alison Bechdel which I hear is a fantastic story about a girl growing up in a funeral home and it includes her coming out story. It's well drawn. I think Alison Bechdel also draws for the comic Dykes to Watch out for.

The second comic book I was curious about was "I love Led Zeppelin" by Ellen Page. Lesbians like this one I guess because she's bi and her story lines are as well. It may be a bit too sexy for me, but looked intriguing.

Lastly the famous "Maus I: A Survivor's Tale" caught my attention. It's a Pulitzer prize winning book (let along comic book). The book intro. says: "By addressing the horror of the Holocaust through cartoons, the author captures the everyday reality of fear and is able to explore the guilt, relief and extraordinary sensation of survival - and how the children of survivors are in their own way affected by the trials of their parents."

Theology & Religion

Afterwords we went out for Indian food and talked about religion. She used to be an atheist, but now is looking for something else because that "wasn't working for her". She read an article yesterday that explained that Evangelicalism and Fundamentalism aren't the same thing. She was surprised by that because she thought they were. I tried to explain Evangelicals a bit. Not sure I did a great job. The terms that christians throw around and the difference between all the tons of christian denominations are so confusing and I feel embarrased trying to explain them sometimes. I asked her if she has explored the communal aspect of any of these faiths she's reading about. She hasn't. I said that it is as, or almost more, important because pretty much all religions are not just soley intellectual constructs they are also about a relationship with God and their particular community. She mostly has been reading books of all kinds of faiths. I asked her what she was looking for. She said just something that makes sense!

In a world where people are looking for something that makes sense I wonder what to do with christianity. I'm a christian, but I don't always think it makes sense myself.

Book: Coming out Christian by Jen Austin

I am a good way through a book called "Coming out Christian, Finding Wholeness in Faith and Sexuality" by Jen Austin. The reason I wanted to read this book is because I think that most (if not all) gay Christains go through an identity crisis. For me it's manifest in the identity pride stage here in the identity development model. The process of the coming out tends to involve a season of throwing oneself into one's identity as marginalized. A period of exploring what it means to be gay. For Christians I wonder if there isn't another step in the process, one of integration that specifically involves our faith. And it was for this reason that I was so caught by the sub-title here that said "Finding Wholeness in Faith and Sexuality".

This was my favorite quote out of the book this morning:

When a group of gay friends invited Paula and me to church one day, I was thrilled for the opportunity and relieved that someone else took the initiative. The invite came from out of the blue. I had no idea that these friends were churchgoers, but i was grateful to know that they existed, or in otherwords, that there were at least some homosexuals who did venture into a house of worship, if only on occasion. I needed the inspiration. My gay Christian seesaw was in need of leveling and I was becoming increasingly aware that I would not be able to bring it into balance on my own. Perhaps attending church with this group of homosexual Christians would be just the thing to jump-start the gay Christian reconciliation process...

The experience also allowed me to see that I had been wasting valuable time away from the church as I struggled with my homosexuality, thinking in some indirect way that perhaps God did not want me there. I had given homophobia the power to keep me isolated as a gay Christian in the midst of an identity crisis.

I can relate to this, even though I've been attending church. As I've shared more with christians who care about me and found gay christians at that church I go to now that's "open and accepting" internally I feel a bit more able to pray and connect with God.

Guerrilla art as a slide show

Yes it's a two post day. I'm playing around at this site for work. And so this was my trial using the site. At http://www.onetruemedia.com you can make slideshows and video's using your pictures. You can choose music and styles from the site. Here's mine. I added the small size of video because it's taking forever to load. O and the person in the slide show is not me but rather my friend who went on the adventure with me. O I am sortof at the end holding the last sign though.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I'm in love - with a music video - Yael Naim

Yael Naim. Her video is from her most recent single New Soul. Swoonvile! Just the kind of video an artsy ENFJ (myers briggs test) would adore. (confirmed today once again in my career counseling class). It's better than a puppy at christmas! I found because of this post at Jenlemen.com. I agree. I love her. Sigh. It's particularly cute how she waves goodbye to the fish at the end.

Awww Crap.

I am not entirely sure why, but this afternoon I got home from coffee with a friend and was hit with this feeling like I just got hit by a mac truck of sadness. It flattened me for a bit. Either it's authentic grieving or it's a chapter three or four moment. Let's say it's chapter four since I'm blogging, naming, and going to go to a New Years Eve party which I think means I'm not in any major hole but aware of it. I keep thinking of this metaphor lately, so maybe I'm trying to force apply it, but I find applies to small patterns in life and big ones.

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson Click on a chapter heading to learn more.
Chapter One I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.	Chapter Two I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.	Chapter Four I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter Five I walk down another street.