Saturday, July 14, 2007

Poker night, folk music and book reading day

Went to a party last night and played poker for the second time ever and made it to the last round. There were ten people playing and I stayed in until the last half hour. Woo hoo. Super fun, and I must say I am pretty proud of myself for staying in that long. My friend “L” took a picture of the fridge. There was a lot of alcohol at said party, which means I had two drinks instead of one. Both the wine and the pomegranate wine cooler were fantastic.

Today after sleeping until past noon, which I haven’t done for about a year, I wandered to Starbucks. There’s a new one in my neighborhood. The first time I walked in I knew eleven people. Let’s just say it’s not the coffee shop I’d go to meet a “new friend”. But I’m still glad it’s there. There goes all my money. I spent some quality time thinking about stuff in "Creating a Life Worth Living". It's career planning type of book for artsy people that don't want or fit the typical 9-5 career planning thing. I HIGHLY recommend it!

Then I sat in the library right across the street from a folk music festival. This means I had the best of all worlds: the music festival world, the air-conditioned wifi world, and the book world. Quality worlds, all three! I’m such a fan of multi-tasking don’t you know.

I checked out the following books:

Stone Butch Blues is gut wrenching. In the “I’m going to have to look away it’s so intense” and in the “I can only read a chapter before I want to set the world on fire” kind of way. I just read a chapter and I am holding my breath and livid at police cops and people who beat, shame, and harm anyone who is different!

And not that it's totally related but this has somehow combined in my mind with a nightmare I had sometime this morning where I was fired from my job for being gay (which actually can happen because of where I work). While they were firing me, some other “they’s” went to my house and boxed up everything and sent it away. I spent rest of the dream driving around trying to get my stuff back with some guy I don't know.

I'm noticing that I seem to have a pretty strong pendulum shift that goes from: I can do this dual christian gay identity thing. I love God, I want to be in and impact the church, I can stay in community... To: Arrrrgggg. Damn it. They will fire me if they know, probably even if I’m celebate like they did that professor at the university. And if they know I'll never get any of the dream jobs I want. Screw them I quit!

Today I’m in the screw them I quit side of things. I am skipping church tomorrow. Lately I do find reading Henry Nouwen’s spiritual journals an aspect of church stuff that’s really soothing. Perhaps that will be my church.

Sorry for the hyper long post. It’s one of those days.


Zuzu said...

I always think it's dangerous - putting all of one egg's in one proverbial basket - it doesn't provide much of a safety net. I think it sucks that coming out to your faith-based community also means risking your job/financial security. It would be like coming out to your parents while you're living in their house and dependent on them financially. That would suck too. In your shoes, I'd probably get another job just to alleviate that particular stress. I think it's "dishonest" to live a double life - just my opinion - even if you're celibate there is this thing about living honestly. I really don't think that you have to leave your Christian community if you come out - but probably, like many relationships - there may be an adjustment period where your relationship to one another changes as you live more honestly with one another. That's not always going to be painless or easy but sometimes, (I'm sure as you've found) it's surprisingly easier than other times - and you've just got to deal with "what is" and "what is not" as opposed to merely the fear of "what is" and "what is not." It's so much easier to live in truth, honesty... it's so much less painful than the alternative.. again, in my humble opinion. Because how loved can you possibly really, genuinely feel within your community if you always have this nagging feeling... "but if they really knew who I am, they would reject me/fire me/disown me/abandon me." Again... just my opinion... you have to respect them enough to take a chance and allow them to be there for you, allow them to show their love, test their metal. Some people may find they have a harder/slower time - just remember how long it took for you to accept this... have patience and let all the wonderments unfold.

Okay.. sorry for the long winded nature of that.. and as to your comment on my blog.. yes... our grandmother.

melissa said...

you should check out - it's a great way to categorize your books and check out others'. :)