Everyone lives in limboland

This is a bit of a "duh" realization, but I just realized everyone is usually in some sort of limbo. People who are single are (if they want to get partnered up) in limbo between singleness and coupledom, people who are dating are in limbo between dating and some sort of commitment, people who are married are in limbo between getting hitched and kids or travel or their next career step or next move. We are all in limbo between life and death. Everyone lives in limboland which is "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition"

No wonder it's more mentally healthy to live in the "now". I used to think someday I would be dating or someday I would have that degree... but there is always a something or someday. I was thinking this today while wandering around my house doing nothing waiting until I need to go to the airport. I was thinking I feel a bit in limbo because I am waiting for all the things that come next: potential to re-evaluate job, the next trip, next year, a new location... so much of the things I am waiting for won't come until next June.

Oddly it makes me feel a bit better to think I'm always in limbo. Maybe I can be fine just sitting in it since it's always there.

Alright off to the airport. :)

How come?

• How come external hard drives are so ugly? Anything beyond your keychain drive (some of which are super cute) are seriously ugly. Maybe it's not statistically true but it feels like 90% of them are black and they look like they belong on a male programmers desk, not my desk. Yuck! Come on people we all have to back up our computers and this thing is going to sit around can you at least let apple make them look nice?
  
• How come there are condom wrappers between my home and my workplace randomly on the sidewalk? Where in the world are people having sex outside? If it's in the park I really do NOT want to know.
  
• How come the item of clothing I've gotten the most compliments on in this entire year are my new Keen shoes? They are fabulous but have my shoes been that awful before?
• How come I don't feel fear anymore of what my co-workers might think of me in my limited outness. I used to, now I do so much less.
  

I'm back!

Summer is bad for blogging. And I also have been unsure how to explain the prayer retreat I went to with my mom. I find my fears are generally unjustified, but I still keep fearing that at any moment my family will decide stop connecting.

I think the most helpful and interesting dynamic was that while there I got a lot of positive feedback on the work I do, and my general character. I hope that hearing this helped her. She was hearing great feedback from everywhere and hopefully she was able to tell that I am still her daughter who she is proud of. I did ask about bringing Lo for Christmas. After that she asked a few questions about Lo. She hasn't asked any until now. She asked: "How old is she? Does she have brothers and sisters?

Other than that I've been crazy busy. Here are the top 3 things I've done

• Did good on my presentation
• Made 2 banners for my church's float in the pride parade.
• Worked a lot since I've gotten back.

I'm going to try to reflect more intentionally later... Um. I hope.

Kathleen Sebelius for Vice President?

So I was doing a bit of wandering on the internet tonight curious about who could be Obama's vice president. I learned that some people are saying Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius is the best pick for Obama for Vice President. I didn't even know who she was, so I went and looked her up.

1 Kathleen Sebelius: The second-term Kansas governor earns the top spot because of her ability to further bolster Obama's strengths while not exacerbating his weaknesses. Picking Sebelius would affirm Obama's core message of change and would give Obama's run even more historic weight. Sebelius's electoral success in traditionally Republican Kansas would also echo Obama's pledge to change the electoral map in the fall.

Curious. Feel free to tell me what you think about this. I have no idea. So far I like what I've heard about her. Here's another list of potential VP's.

OK that's all the politics I've got in me and it's just mini researching....

Today I learned what a Quark is

Today's mini adventures.

1. Listening to the speaking of faith podcast from NPR (that just won a webby award) I learned that the word quark came from a James Joyce novel and so it's really a literary word not a scientific word. Quarks are what combine to form protons and neutrons, in each case taking exactly three quarks to make the composite particle. What if a quark is the trinity? :)
   
   
2. Lo teases me because when someone needs to go to bed, I say "Is it bedtime for Bonzo?" Why? I have no idea, it just seems the thing to say. And I never have known what that phrase is from. Tonight I googled it. It's the title of a 1951 movie starting Ronald Reagan. So now you know! And being my parents don't really watch movies I can't figure out where in the world I got it!
   
   
3. I tried a new drink tonight. I guess if you combine a Chardonnay wine with a lot of ice and Sierra Mist it's really good. I thought it was a pretty decent summer drink.
   
   
4. My professor emailed me today (from my Counseling of Men) and he said
   "I read your paper. Very good work, well researched and well presented. I will put in a change of grade to an A." Did I mention he didn't like my previous one? At all! So lucky he let me re-do it. I misunderstood the directions and picked a really impossible to research topic.
   
   
5. I have my internship solidified now. And I booked a week long vacation in August so that right before all my craziness starts I can be with Lo and her friends in a tent camping. I'm soooooo excited! Woo hoo. :)
   
   
6. Lastly I am quite proud of my productivity at work today. I fixed a design issue I've been trying to fix (using css on the side bar) for days! Thank goodness now I can move on. Especially because the issue was so dumb. I think I was able to fix it because I was listening to Parker Palmer while I worked and that was helpful.
   

Three good things in life exercise

Yesterday I posted on three exercises to do if you want to be more happy. I find this all very fascinating so I'm trying it. Do feel free to share yours if you want. Or not. :)

Three good things in life. Participants were asked to write down three things that went well each day and their causes every night for one week. In addition, they were asked to provide a causal explanation for each good thing.

What went well today

• My meeting with my boss to determine if I can do my counseling internship while working next year went really well. I went in prepared and I stressed I don't want to negatively impact my work. I feel soooo relieved. I have been quite worried about this for weeks and I think now everything will be ok and that's a good thing.
  
• I got almost all my research methods studying done, and was fairly productive at work. Productivity always makes me feel good.
  
• I dropped off a thank you note and contract to my internship site. :) I was proud of myself for remembering to write a thank you note. I started to feel the first twinges of excitement.

O and this is also a good thing even though it's not about me:

New York to back same-sex unions from elsewhere

By Jeremy W. Peters
Published: May 29, 2008 ALBANY: Governor David Paterson has directed all state agencies to begin to revise their policies and regulations to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions, like Massachusetts, California and Canada.

In a directive issued on May 14, the governor's legal counsel, David Nocenti, instructed the agencies that gay couples married elsewhere "should be afforded the same recognition as any other legally performed union." read more

I'm going to be an aunt

I'm going to be an aunt! Which is super sweet. A very exciting thing. Hopefully the next months will go well for my sister-in-law, it took some effort for them to get pregnant.

Top six reasons I'm excited

1. Because it means a new little person, which is a big deal.
   
2. For something else to be going on in our family besides my stuff...because really I rather the attention be elsewhere.
   
3. To have a little one to spoil.
4. For the cuteness factor of our family to rise. :)
5. That if all goes well it means I will have Christmas in Texas this year again! Woo hoo. I thought it would be up north again and was a bit nervous about that. Right I know it's a selfish reason but it's good for all involved!
   
6. Because however much I like buying little things for all my friends who have babies being an Aunt is different.
   

Yahoo for babies. Now to figure out how to best celebrate it all. Hmmm.

Maybe only 6,000 questions in my head this morning...

Good morning peoples. All you sweet peaches, blueberries, strawberries... What is with me I keep talking about food. My facebook updates have even been about food. eg. "________ hearts trader joes" or "________ is eating apart pizza". Anyway I diress. Actually this whole blog is just one big digression.

Once upon a time (in some way back blog post) I posted something that was titled 20,000 questions. This morning I don't have quite as many but.... ready for my morning mind dump?

• Did my bro not get me a birthday present per his normal because he's mad at me?
• My churches sermon series is on "Hard questions". It is probably the best sermon series I've ever experienced. Why? Not because they are perfect sermons, but mostly because we are covering all the questions that people ask but churches avoid, like: "How do you deal with those disturbing passages in the bible?" and "How can we reconcile science and faith"? Yep those are my questions. Especially that first one.
  
• Now that I've sought out internship I've officially started feeling worried about my future. Should I hire a career coach and how the hell do I find one?
• I want to move I've lived here too long (since 1992), AND YET in spite of the fact that non profit work pays crap, I do love security. Blast.
  
• When should I tell my family I am dating someone? To be honest I'm not all that sure I want to tell them yet. My counselor keeps reminding me I am not alone. Really that is the fear isn't it? That one is going to be abandoned by their family for not being who they want you to be? And for many it's a real fear.
  
• This blog The Last Psychiatrist posted Experts Weigh In On Bipolar Disorder
  and he starts off by saying: "And they conclude there's a lot of bad information out there. They try to set the record straight. Bring a bottle." Arg. Like diagnosis wasn't hard for me from the beginning! Now it's even harder. Blasted experts. If you like sarcasm and psychology it's a good read... "Do I have to diagnosis people?"
• I want a break from school. AND YET I have to take research methods sometime if I want to ever get my butt licensed. That is the worst type of class to take in the summer and I will probably have to take it online. Crap.
• I am finally making some progress on big work projects but one involves a current conflict and I feel in the middle. Two "entities" have different ideas on the future. It's in my best interest to follow my boss's ideas. I fear it will get worse before better--just to be overly pithy about it. If I've learned anything from this job it is just sit tight and watch. So I do.
  
• Where in all the world can I go talk about "If God is Love" and "If Grace is True" without getting too horribly judged? I have pondered bringing them to a Seminary prof. of mine but keep reconsidering. Arg.
  

  If Grace Is True: Why God Will Save Every Person by Philip Gulley, James Mulholland - Religion - 2004 - 240 pages Why Everyone Will Be in Heaven Two pastors present their controversial belief in eternal salvation for all through God's perfect grace. Limited preview - About this book - Add to my library - More editions

  If God Is Love: Rediscovering Grace in an Ungracious World by Philip Gulley, James Mulholland - Religion - 2005 - 320 pages If God is love, why are so many Christians fearful, and why do so many church leaders sound hateful? Limited preview - About this book - Add to my library - More editions

ReMix of a meme and a new wine bar!

I got tagged by polkadotsandhiccups for this meme but, I did it here when I was tagged by zuzu so I'll just point you all there now. Go forth! I'll just add the adaption that one year ago I was wishing I was dating and still so scared because I hadn't come out to my family. What a crazy year I've had. OK now I'm being so redundant. I can't post the same thing over and over.

I have one addition to it. The meme I did was lacking in the "five things on my to do list" so for today they are.

• Write an article for work amongst other things I need to do.
  
• Write my resume for internship (no I'm not leaving my job...yet),
  
• Figure out when my paper is due for my counseling of men class (I should know...)
  
• Mail some thank you cards
• Go running

New wine bar! Last night I had wine with e who I haven't seen in four months. For a while I thought she was done being my friend but she I guess isn't. e is one of the first people I met online. It was really kind of nice to do a four month update though because so much has happened in four months. She thinks I'm gushy about Lo. AND I am! And thinks in some ways I'm doing what other people did in adolescence. Which I suppose I am. But I am not at all an adolescent! As an extra bonus I now know of a new fun wine bar. It's maybe two weeks old and I love it. If you know me I will tell you which one and how great it is! (M, T, S... It's great and you should go there.)

And then talked with Lo which was blissful as always. We keep talking too late into the night. Not good for our sleeping. I then posted online for school on the termination period for men in counseling and men in groups. The more I learn about counseling of men the more I think I only want to counsel gay men. Arg.

My thoughts in bullet points

My friend Anita thinks in bullet points. It's even how she journals. So every once in a while I try it. It can be pretty random. :)

• I have to get my Dad's birthday present! Why are dad's so hard to buy for?
  
• I have to turn in my resume for internship. Is this where I want to do my internship?
  
• I fear being an unreflective person! I've been so "in the moment" I haven't been writing in my journal or even blogging very deeply. What if I forget how great things are right now? Hmmm.
  
• AND I've been told I think/reflect too much and am not in the moment enough so maybe this is a good thing.
• People keep saying I look happy. Um. Sweet. But what did I look like before?
• I'm reading "The voice of knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz AND "If God is Love" by Gulley and Mulholland right now.
  
• My 35th birthday was so lovely. I felt so loved and content. Just really really content. Can I "can" these feelings to keep in my cupboard?
  
• I need to write a paper for my counseling of men class. But I keep not feeling like it. I am procrastinating.
  
• My build-a-bear bear smells like Lo. See picture. I kissed the heart that is in it.
  
• Lo left love notes in my apartment. (big grin)
• I discovered "Chanti" wine. It's pretty good.
• I just taught a college class tonight. I do love substitute teaching better than being the only teacher. All the fun without any of the pressure.
• This life of mine right now is so wonderful. Can I please keep it? Seriously. I really really like my life right now.
  

I caved. I bought the new iphone!

I caved. After wanting one since December and continually telling myself that I should not buy one I finally decided to use the money I will get back from taxes to buy an iphone. It's so pretty! I've been playing with it all evening. OK well not exactly all evening since I went running, talked to Lo, did laundry... but you know all the rest of the time. Woo hoo.

This guy was just cutting his hair while at a resturant.

Last night I grabbed dinner from the fancy grocery story with the free wifi. Then I hung out in the big eating space it shares with the glbt center. I was killing time before counseling. I read for school and wrote like two sentences of a paper and IMed Bobbie for a bit (who had free wifi from some hotel she's at).

I wanted to plug in my computer, but the only plug in was near this dude who was sitting next to the fireplace. There are only two plug-in's in the place. He saw me looking around and kindly offered an extension cord he brought with him. So I decided he's nice enough to share I'll sit here at his table.

For a while it was fine. He was an oldish, slightly awkward man, with a bit longish gray hair, large glasses and a beard. AND THEN, I was mid thought facing away from him in my chair IMing bobbie and I started hearing this noise: "snip, snip, snip" then quiet then again. I think the third time I heard it I saw him hands in back of his head. I realized he was cutting the back of his hair with this long pair of silver scissors.

WHAT??? And we were in a public place. There were just under twenty people in this large space that actually has a coffee shop feel to it. Most of the people were eating dinner they just bought and talking in little groups. And I hear again snip, snip, snip.

I can't even tell you how uncomfortable I started feeling. I thought why in the world is he cutting his hair here. Is he just really socially awkward? Or is he going to try and kill me? Or what the hell is going on. It was freaky. I was in the middle of IMing bobbie which never gets to happen because she doesn't have wifi and we rarely are online at the same time. I thought should I leave or move. If I do it will be really obvious and I would have to unplug from his extension cord which was coming out of his bags on the table. He is probably just really social awkward and wills stop soon. But he didn't. He would pick up the scissors every minute or so and cut some more. He had them laying next to his computer on the table where people eat. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life.

He wasn't even looking at what he was doing. I looked to see if there was hair on the floor but there wasn't. He either put it in his hand and hid it somewhere or he was trying to freak me out on purpose.

Shall I put this post under my cutting tag? :)

My lone political post - don't worry it's a video

This is your lone political post. Which I probably should have posted yesterday but...alas.

So I voted for Barack Obama yesterday. Then last night I went over to a little Super Tuesday party my friends have. We ate junk food, watched the results, and each guessed who would win for both the Republican and Democratic race. It was fun. There were some awkward speeches. My friend L was saying stuff like, Clinton just sounds off. And I would say things like, well she isn't any worse than any of the republican speeches so far. They must be so tired.

Not related to Obama at all, yesterday I also brought into the voting booth a list of judges to vote for. There was one judge position where all of the five people running for it were identified by the law website I got my judge list from as "not recommended" or "unqualified"! Seriously? How in the world do they get on the ballot then?

And not to be redundant or trendy since everyone and their mother has posted this video, but have you seen it yet?

I was tagged! Six random things

I was tagged by the blog "a large number of small experiences" to share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. And then tag six random people and let them know they've been tagged.

Alright then, Six Random things coming right up:

1. Head bandanna's have such a strong pied piper (eg. I'm going to follow you home) impact on me I have trouble thinking if someone is wearing one. I think it ups someone's cuteness factor by about 100. I don't know why. It's a little weird.
   
   
2. Braids, dreads, afros do the same thing for me.
   
   Postscript to these--head bandanna's don't "do it" for me as much on black women because all I can think about then is the awful cultural history of them (slavery, aunt Jemima's syrup...). And I have never met a white women to pull off dreads or braids very well at all.
   
   
3. I think I'm a rather good whistler. I'd rather whistle to a song than sing it even though I actually can sing.
   
   
4. I can't say the word syrup correctly. I always say it like "sir ip".
   
   
5. I buy mushrooms sliced in a package and then eat them just like that.
   
   
6. Watching football soothes me. I know weird. I don't even care who wins. I just like it on in the background. Today is a good day for that. It's the superbowl today! :)

I tag... ug. I hate tagging people. But just because I'm curious if they will do it... I tag harmless eccentric, and this is how AnJ ticks, and nosubject. :) Do share ladies!

Blizzard and Thyme

There is a crazy lot of snow here right now. I wasn't going to go into work because my folks were here, but work was canceled so I didn't need to anyway. My parents just left so now I am cuddled up in my warm house blogging and planning on watching the Simpsons movie.

The parent visit went well. And I think they are less afraid I have become some weird person they don't know. I still have all the same friends a ton of whom they re-met. My friends and coworkers still talk well of me to my parents. I hope they realize after this weekend my coming out is not as scary as they think. I didn't move any book etc. that was in my house, not that I had much.

I think we pretty much ran out of things to "small talk" about by the time they left this morning so the amount of time they spent was perfect. I took them to a fancy high tea where there was a harpist, which they loved. We went to a grocery store that they don't have where they live. And this morning we went to breakfast at the Scando restaurant down the street. I think that I knew half the people in the restaurant. Four people from work were there. What do people do when work is canceled? If they live close they go out for breakfast. :)

One thing that happened though I thought was funny. My parents (my mom in particular) is into essential oils. I really don't know what to think of it. But, last night before we went to sleep my mom insisted we all put Thyme essential oils on the bottom of our feet because it helps stop people from snoring. It may have sortof helped. I'm not quite sure. Has anyone else ever heard of this? It's such a weird thing to do.

Sense of humor?

Yesterday I was talking to someone who appreciates a sense of humor. And I am quite afraid I don't have a very strong sense of humor. Why is a humor a sense? I digress. So I tried to explain the humor I grew up with by saying the following. The jokes I most heard growing up were either Swedish or the type you find on a laffy taffy wrapper. Here are two of the most verbalized examples.

Joke 1: Ollie and Lena were sitting in a car (or maybe they were driving? I don't quite remember). Lena said to Ollie "Ollie my hands are cold and nobody loves me." Ollie looked at Lena and replied. "Sit on your hands. God loves you."

Joke 2: Every time we drove past a cemetery while on a road trip my dad would say "Hey those people are just dying to get in there."

Reading these jokes you can imagine how I work with sarcasm. My dad is great at telling jokes to 4 year olds. They love him. Sarcasmly gifted people, I think you all need to wear t-shirts. I love you. I'm growing. But I respond to you (as some of you already know) by saying "Really?" and a minute later I say "O you were kidding." Which some of you think is pretty funny. I'm sarcastically challenged I think.

Anyway, the girl I was talking with responded to my explanation of being humor challenged by saying I was cute. Which I thought was funny. :)

Last night was a curious night

Last night was a curious night in every way. The weather was curious, lightning in January. My companion was curious. And the conversation we had and it's impact on me was curious.

Hung out last night at a wine bar with candles and dim lighting and a tour de force woman across from me (yes, I know I just used a noun as an adj., and no, it wasn't a date). I have never had a conversation quite like we had. And I don't have any language to explain it. It felt a little like someone just dropped me into Alice in wonderland. It wasn't what we talked about because that was somewhat basic it was how she talked I think.

I fell asleep and as much as you can be aware while sleeping, I felt different while sleeping. It was like part of me was still awake and still in the conversation. Someone called me at midnight, a number I didn't know. I didn't anwser but wished I had because then I wondered who it was. I slept both hard and lightly and I woke up at 4:15 a.m., 6:30 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. and I didn't feel tired at all, I just woke up and then went back to sleep.

Today I feel different. I don't know how to explain how I feel different. It's like whatever conversation altered something in me neither in a bad or good way just in an "it just did" way. But I don't even know how I changed, or what about the night changed me, and I'm a bit baffled by that. I know this is totally not specific and probably doesn't make any sense, but I just am trying to observe something that baffles me.

How many times in a person's life will they have a conversation that changes them?

Who uses the word sexy?

I recently chatted with someone who used the word sexy and it threw me. What really is sexy? It's so relative. It's different for a perfume ad, or a 80 year old woman, or a guy talking about a car. I don't think I'm not sexy, but I've also never thought of myself as sexy either. When I asked this person to define why they used it they said it meant confident. Interesting. I just think that word is weird and I keep thinking, Am I sexy? And every time I do I feel like I might burst into laughter. And then I start hearing that song "I'm too sexy for this shirt" in my head. You know that one?



Hey, in other news, zuzu had her baby. Zuzu being my cousin who usually comments on this site when she is not with child or just having birthed one. Is birthing a child sexy? Alright off to work. I'm now doing all my blogging at home since I have wifi.

So have a good day all you sexy people. :)

Skull Candy Earphones and being a voyer

I bought these skull candy earphones (they look a tiny bit different but they are close to this). They look cool. They are good for flights and sitting still. They are awful for running. They won't stay in my ears when I do anything more than a slow walk. Just FYI if anyone out there is buying them. They are called skull candy and candy equals sticky. Don't you think they would stay in one's ears better? Or maybe my ears just aren't made for skull candy. I am disappointed by them because I think they are really cool looking.

Another random thought. I am such a voyeur. There's this blogger I read (I am not telling you who) and she writes about EVERYTHING. Today she wrote about when she pooped, what she ate, the drugs she did, as well as who she is having sex with, including details. I really feel I shouldn't read it. But, this morning I did again. I wonder why I read it? Sometimes I think she's trying to kill herself and is blogging the experience and I can't even do anything to help! It's painful to watch. You look at her pictures though and you think, is this really her? She's cute. As in adorable, which doesn't fit this hard crazy life she sometimes blogs about. There is some major incongruency there.

Yahoo for snow, and brunch, and figuring out...

I've just figured out I'm allergic to my glasses. Weird eh. I wasn't allergic to them before, and now I am. I actually have been trying to figure out what I've been alergic to for months. So I've been wearing contacts for three days (which I normally don't do) and I'm better. At least I now know why the back of my ears, head, and neck were turning red. I bet no one even noticed. Which I'm glad about and sad about all at the same time. Frankly I would like someone, a particular type of someone, to notice the skin behind my ears.

In addition to this discovery about myself, yesterday was FABULOUS! I liked the snow. I liked the smell of winter. I liked brushing and scraping my car off. I had visions of scraping the car of for someone. Then Lynnae & Co. and I found this fabulous new brunch place (The Bongo Room) where we drank 40 cups of coffee refilled by a very lovely waitress with a cool rose tattoo who I think paid us special attention, but really she was probably just being nice for tips. I had pumpkin, graham cracker pancakes. O my word were they good! We talked about fun random things like the fact that everyone in a particular neighborhood had bangs (for their hair). Only Lynnae would notice this which I like about her. And then we found this really cool and crazy bookstore that was two and 1/2 stories and had a cat in it which I found to be curiously proper for the place.

This day was followed by an evening of curling up with my new Fir tree smelling candle. Seriously it is one of the best smelling candles EVER! It was a great day.