On Ray Boltz

So when I was growing up we listened to Ray Boltz a ton. He's a christian singer and did a lot of dramatic story like songs. Do any of you remember him?

Anyway he just came out of the closet. Read about it here.

It got to the point by the early-to-mid ’00s that keeping his homosexuality hidden had become an increasingly wearying notion.

“You get to be 50-some years old and you go, ‘This isn’t changing.’ I still feel the same way. I am the same way. I just can’t do it anymore.’”

Christmas talk already?

Here's my one piece of sharing from the weekend. I went to my parents house. I had a very short conversation with my mom about Christmas. Short, because I think it was hard for both of us. Earlier in the summer I mentioned I'd like to bring Lo for Christmas. This weekend she told me that the family isn't ready for me to bring her.

Lo's birthday is on the 27th I'm certainly not going to miss it and I want to be with her on Christmas. So, it looks like we're going to spend Christmas here in my town. I haven't officially told them yet. I was just clear I had to be with Lo on her birthday.

I've been fluctuating a lot on how I feel. I have never not been with my family for Christmas. I cried multiple times about it, but of course I'm also pmsing so who knows if I'm really that sad. I know they aren't really rejecting either me or Lo, but it feels like it.

What's helped is now I'm super excited to have my own Christmas with Lo. We will have a ton of fun on our own. And perhaps I can visit the family around New Years instead by myself.

So far the best advice I've gotten is that my friend "satte" said that maybe I should ask them if there's another time that they would be open to meeting her that is not around the holidays. So perhaps I'll ask about that.

Being outed by google

So I had a mini freak out last Friday when I realized that my full name will be posted in all press releases and promotional material for the poetry book which is coming out (pun intended). So it's my "coming out" on google I guess.

When I told my co-worker Jane about this she started laughing out loud with grand enthusiasm because someone who works on the internet and who uses google all the time should know that this was a possibility. Why I thought otherwise, is a mystery. What I thought would happen was that there would be hundreds of poems in the book and that they would not list all of the poets by name on amazon.com, the books website, and any other promotional materials. I would have used a fake name otherwise. I think there was a clause about this not being allowed though.

There's no wiggle room on this. I already asked. If my poems are in the book my name will be on the internet. How do I feel about this? In part I feel like I should be fine, be brave, and that really it's not that big of deal. I should just get over it.

On the other hand I feel terrified for no easily named reason. Why, I am not sure. As Lo said "I haven't heard of anyone being searched out and beaten up from being googled." And as C & T said "They can't fire you, in fact you are safer because they would have to find a really really good reason since you could sue them." That's good to know.

So I tell myself things, like people could assume there is another person with my name. Although I know only one other person with my name who exists, and the first four pages of google are me. Let's hope other people think there are multiple people represented. "Really this is not a big deal," I say to myself.

This recent event does make the "play" conversations Lo and I have been having about marriage and merging our last names a bit more useful though. I could just change my last name. :)

Fun in the sun, and some in the rain

Lo left yesterday. We had such a fabulous weekend. Dinner out, museums, cooking at home, the parade, Lo met "e", and we went to commenter freyasings' wedding where we danced. Our dancing out there with her made her cry. We also watched two movies "Charlie Wilson's War" and "The Brave One". Both were discussion starter types of movies. 

It rained during the pride parade and we had to leave a bit early to get to the wedding, but for my first parade I feel like I should have some strong reaction, but I don't. I liked being there with Lo and my church and having a part in making the float. 

Here are the rest of my observation on my weekend.

• This weekend I did brave things: I danced with Lo at a wedding, I went to the pride parade and passed out buttons from my church that said "human". (I don't love passing things out.) I think it was a bit brave of me to just go to the parade. 
• There were a ton of churches in the parade. I don't think people get that. 
• On dancing at the wedding, I'm not at all a dancer and don't usually get out to dance at weddings. But Lo makes me more confident about everything. Neither of us are great dancers but it was super fun. 
• The church service was so full of celebration and so fun.  

Hope all you blog readers are having as good of summer as I am! 

Do not fear... Happy Mothers day.

Lo said when I told her about my recent conversation with my parents, "Thank you Jesus! It's a modern day miracle." I grinned wildly at her. See she said, "Do not assume". The do not assume language is from one of our favorite books "The Four Agreements". And I wouldn't say everything is fine or has changed but I do feel less dread and more hope.

It was after church and a lovely lunch with some friends who had come into town for their sister's graduation. I was feeling dread. Because of our last conversation even though it was mothers day I was so scared to call them. I knew I needed to though so I just kept sitting there. And then my mom called me.

We talked about their church and mothers day and that she liked my gift. And then she said she was ready to talk more. She asked me to say more about my attempts at healing before and my journey. I told her and they (my dad was on the phone in the background) were really listening. I talked about the "healing prayer" conferences I've been to, the times I went to get healed, some of the things I talked about in counseling.

They agreed that I shouldn't hate myself, that God doesn't hate me... I talked about how some people say people are gay because of how they were raised, but I don't think my parents raised me badly. They did a fairly good job.

My mom said she's been reading books for two days. I do not know what she is reading but when I was on the phone things certainly felt better. I didn't feel the dread I had before. I felt heard, like my struggle was heard. And I felt some hope that maybe I can bring a girlfriend for holidays. I was just so relieved that I wasn't going to be abandoned. I know it's dumb to think my parents would abandon me, but I was afraid. I know or have heard of so many people who have been rejected. I am reminded today that the bible says "Do not fear!"

My mom said that things are supposed to get simpler as you get older, but that it gets more complicated, especially for parents.

Happy Mothers day.

My parents know now I'm dating and it did not go well

The strongest feeling after talking to my parents is unsafe. Not fear really but a desire to pull away to protect my heart and not share again. I know that's odd. Is it odd? They didn't threaten me but their judgment and disapproval is so strong. I am also pretty angry, since anger is sometimes a protective feeling and a natural reaction to feeling judged, it's to be expected. And yes I will find healthy ways, as always, to write and paint and talk it out.

I did not tell them by the way. They flat out asked "what type of relationship is your relationship" I said "I am dating her" cause I wasn't going to lie.

In spite of the fact that I am a 35 year old adult my parents still asked me if I was having sex (or something like that). I told them I wouldn't ever feel comfortable talking about that with anyone. Seriously that is just inappropriate! For goodness sake it's none of their business. They are so focused on sex because to them it is the worst sin in all the world. I bet it's worse than murder to them. They talked about temptation and sin and scripture... My mom said "I don't know where you learned this was all right." The call ended by them saying "We love you and we are praying for you." To which I responded "I love you and I am praying for you."

I talked to Lo and then Zuzu. It helped. Zuzu had some good advice which was just don't talk to them about this anymore for a while. I didn't plan on telling them tonight it just happened. Lo said it gets easier over time.

I anticipate because of this I may drift even further from the family. I am so glad I waited until this year of my life to come out. Hmmm. Maybe I will spend holidays elsewhere this year.

The Day of Silence is April 25th - Blog about it!

http://blog.dayofsilence.org/

Some of our prospective participants have had the misconception that the Day of Silence is just about promoting an awareness of prejudice and discrimination against the LGBT community, but...the Day of Silence is not only about protecting LGBT people, but also their allies and people who are bullied, harassed, and even killed because of their race/ethnicity, perceived nationality or origin, disability, religion, appearance, socioeconomic status...

Also there are some christians who are not protesting the day of silence or freaking out like the day of truth folk and keeping their kids home from school, but who are instead taking a "golden rule" pledge.

Dr. Warren Throckmorton talks about the Golden Rule Pledge here "I pledge to treat others the way I want to be treated. Will you agree with me to treat each other in this way?"

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:31). " It seems to me that Christian kids could be leading the way with a pledge to keep the Golden Rule. Could this approach be more productive for the Good News than staying home? I know of 19 schools who are pledging the Golden Rule Pledge on or around the Day of silence

The end of the being outed by netflix story

So the blog post that has gotten the most hits here is the one about how I was almost outed by a netflix friend invite. It was about a friend I wasn't ready to come out to who asked to be my netflix friend. I didn't know then you don't have to share all the movies you watch with a friend.

This is the rest of the story. Friday night while out for appetizers and drinks I outed myself. I was trying to encourage her to do online dating. To which she started sortof egging me on to share why I thought it was a good thing, and asking about any "he's or him's". So I said after a accidentally dramatic pause. "I'm gay."

She responded pretty well. Said she wasn't super shocked and asked if she was the last to know. I said, "pretty much". I explained how when I told her about cutting her response was painful silence in response, so I felt afraid to ever share again. She apologized for her silence, saying she didn't know what to say. I told her I know the timing was awkward, but when someone shares something that huge even if you just say "I don't know what to say or ask, but I care." Do it! Silence does NOT feel good. She was not silent in response to my sharing this time. She even checked in to see if she had responded alright. I said she did. And then we started tracing back all the moments where I sidestepped the conversation of me being gay.

I must say I also found out I have amazingly stunning friends! She is good friends with people who know I am gay and not one of them outed me to her, and it's been almost a year since other people knew. :)

While driving home I said "Well, now I can be your netflix friend." To which she exclaimed "That's why you wouldn't be my netflix friend!" with quite a lot of strength.

Why I am so quiet...And still in Texas

(edited after getting back) I'm so quiet because I thought I would have had more access to the internet than I have had. I didn't bring my own computer because I had to many presents but we are a very technological family with many computers so I thought I would be fine and could post when I check email. However my blog is blocked at my brother's house. Curious. Hence the reason I said hi by posting a youtube video. Now I am posting from my brother's in-laws home on their computer but have very little time. Alas. I will be here until the 28th and then I will start posting daily again.

Last night even though it was a bit cooler I spent some quality time by myself in the hot tub. It was so surreal to be in the hot tub looking in at my family and the christmas tree in the house. So far things are going pretty well. Last year I started this blog to cope during christmas because it was so hard. And even though I stuck pins in my arm at christmas I find it entirely unhealthy to roll the clock on, time since I've cut back to zero. So last year was a hiccup or a bump. And I'm still at about eight years. :) There has been absolutely no talk of my coming out. Christmas is like it usually is which the best illustration of that would be that we hold hands and pray for every meal and listen to non-stop christian music/christmas music. With the exception of putting up the tree with my sister-in-law where I got to listen to some other super cool music. (I can't remember right now who it was). Anyway the number one difference is this year it doesn't feel so fake or painful for a variety of reasons, but the number one reason is that even though they aren't talking about my coming out I did come out. That somehow makes a huge difference. Got to go, time for breakfast.

Perhaps I'll post a picture of me in the hot tub to make up for my silence. :) Um. Probably it would be of 80% steam. We shall see...

So I can only be a youth pastor if I lie? Yeah that's smart!

First of all, I'm not planning on lying, or being a youth pastor again, but this conversation caused me to title this post that.

I've outed myself now to all my MN friends. My friend Shelia who I stayed with last night and her husband responded pretty well. Sheila is a friend of mine who I got into youth ministry (back in the days when I was a youth pastor). The church where she currently works as a youth pastor is part of a group of churches fighting so gay people can't be ordained. So I said, as I do...

So you don't think I should be allowed to be a youth pastor? Even if I stayed celibate? Even though you know me well and know my faith? Even though I already have been? Even though your church ordains divorced pastors (which talked against more in scripture than homosexuality)? Even though know more about me and my relationship with God than you do those volunteers you let work with your youth?

The only difference between now and me as a youth pastor before is that now I am saying who I am. I suppose you could say I am more self actualized. At a root level there is nothing different about me now then there was when I was in ministry. The main changes are that I hate myself less, feel like I can breathe, and have a lot more questions.

Yeah, that gave her some pause. I am glad I have been vulnerable all along about my struggles with things I used to call "emotional dependence" (aka a crush coming out sideways because the person thinks they can't have a crush). She wasn't shocked.

Her and her husband's assumption is that if you are gay you are promiscuous. So I explained the whole "Side A (marriage/life long commitment), Side B (celibacy), Side X (change)" routes that Christians these days choose between. (http://gaychristian.net) This seemed to help them get more of the complexity of the issue and how many christians who are gay try to wrestle with scripture. It was a good conversation I think. And I think my outing myself impacted them.

And now it's time to weave through the below zero weather for lunch and then the activities of mourning and remembering.

Also one of my favorite bloggers wrote this line in her blog. I love it! So even though it doesn't relate to anything....

from Michelle Tea’s “The Beautiful”, appearing at the end of a wistful what-might-have-been poem: “you are right where you should be / now act like it”

How personal is outing oneself?

So I'm a friendly person and tend to take a fair amount of initiative to meet new people. So I asked this girl at school, who I think is cool, to have lunch. At lunch we talked about the presentation I am doing for class. I am doing it on counseling a christian lesbian and the harm that can be done by counselors trying to heal clients. A classmate of mine is going to counsel me in front of the entire class. Yes, I'm a bit nervous. But that's a whole different thing than what I am talking about.

I was sharing about the presentation. This student shared about hers. Talking about my presentation caused her to out herself as straight. It was smooth and came up naturally, but I started thinking: Did she think I asked her for lunch to ask her out? Crap! That was not at all what I was intending.

I am getting two reactions to me outing myself.

1. People need to share that they are straight (98% of the time I know this). And pretty much everyone needs to share with me or remind me of this.
   
   
2. The person shares something equally personal or usually even more-so. They are dating someone who was divorced, they were abused, they had a mental health issue of some sort. Sharing begets sharing I guess but it seems it's more personal than what I shared.
   

What I keep wondering is how personal is this "outing" of myself? Why do people think it's so personal? Being straight isn't a huge personal sharing, why is being gay? It's like I'm sharing my deepest darkest secret. For me it just is and it's only judgments towards me that make it something that needs to be secretive! Straight people display their sexuality all the time. That's not at all personal. This world is so weird don't you think?

The BIG conversation with the folks about being gay

First off it's really impossible to tell this experience well, because it feels epic. But, here's the short summery. Before that though, thanks for the prayers, wishes, good lucks, and warm hearted vibes from phone, texts, this blog, facebook.... I made it through much better than I might of. If I had done this even one year ago I would have probably come home and at the minimum "cut". But I have not... although my fantasy life about cutting has been REALLY strong in the last two days. I am doing everything I know to care about myself including a lot of laughing last night at a comedy club with my friends L, J, and S. :) (I recommend it - comedy with friends after something this hard).

I awoke at 6:30 a.m., got ready, picked up Jessica at 7:30 a.m. drove two hours to this city were we were meeting. We met at a hotel. I was so anxious and so tense that I can still feel that tension in my body today. My mom said "Tel us your story."

I kept it pretty simple saying some of the typical things like: "I've always felt different." As well as explaining that I said in my letter regarding how I've tried to change and how it helped with self hate to be in counseling and to accept myself. My parents affirmed they don't want me to self hate. I used phrases like "I imagine you fear ___________ " eg. fear promiscuity, or that I won't be christian or or or... I said many of your fears are unfounded but whatever I decide to do in the future will be something I decide. It's uncomfortable to talk about these things with them. I also said that I won't debate scripture with them and that I understand these things differently.

And then it started to get a bit more provocative, specific, and my mom started crying more. In retrospect I started to feel angry, but I was very calm and clear in the moment and used "I statements." The general tone of the conversation was polite, calm, and dialogical which was good. Still, they define temptation as any attraction towards someone of the same sex. My dad kept trying to ask me about attraction. This attraction he tried to put in very male terms that grossed me out. And he put it in the same category as porn. (yuck). I kept saying, "I see this differently." And about five times I said "attraction is a biological phenomenon." Which they don't get at all.

They asked me about church, I said "I've been attending a different one in a different denomination." To which my mom said "I don't like that". She talked about how those denominations are too liberal. I tried to talk about the civil war in the church. They just think I have been led astray. My mom said "Do you think if you hadn't been involved in the gay community in your city..." (GRRRRRRR) I said "There is not one gay community just like there is not one straight community. I also said I am not connected to or associated with any "gay community" I know some other gay people.

There was more, but I'll stop there. The worst part of it and what is currently making me the most angry is that even after I explained healing stuff they still gave me the phone number of a christian counselor and gave me a "Focus on the Family" (christian org.) book called "Restoring sexual Identity, hope for women who struggle with same sex attraction" by Anne Paulk. Which I won't even link to because I am so pissed about it. The first line on the back says "Can a Lesbian Change? Yes!" I don't think I was clear enough about the connection between self hate and my trying to change. I am also angry that they insulted the church that is feeling helpful for me right now. They didn't say "You should change" or "You must not have gone to see the right counselor" or "You did not try hard enough", or "You are stupid or otherwise you would have been able to fix this"... But, their giving the book and phone number and my mom judging the denomination of my new church makes it feel like it.

All will be OK in the end, and in a while I can step back from all this and the anger will get less strong. I'm going to go for a long walk today outside, I will watch movies, talk with friends, and generally be nice to myself.

I feel so sad that because my dad is a pastor they feel they have no one to talk to. I strongly encouraged them to find counseling of any sort anywhere. I am the first person they've known who is gay (that they know of). It is not healthy for them to be so isolated and it makes our relationship harder because I can't care for them very well when it comes to this.

Also I gave my parents this Tony Campolo sermon which is a bit more conservative than I am but it's a really great step and he says some amazing things I hope christians and the church can hear!

Procrastination through buying art!

I am supposed to be writing a paper on the salient aspects of my culture and how they would impact how I counsel. Instead I'm reading rss feeds and purchasing art.

But, look at the great inspirational painting I just purchased! It's happy art! Not that art can ever be categorized but there's some art for me that is "happy art". When dumbed down it sometimes can get a bit cheesy. But this artist seems to always give me warm fuzzies without the cheesiness. And her painting today is one I think PERFECT for my journey of coming out. So I'm going to have it framed. At least if I'm not doing art someone is!

It's titled "Tired of Secrets" by Jen Lemen

And the girl in the picture looks nothing like me but I still feel like it's about me anyway! O happy day!

Happy "Coming out day!"

It's national coming out day today. And speaking of coming out my parents called me last night to make an appointment to drive to meet me and "talk" about my being gay. This makes them anxious and me anxious I'm sure. But lately I've been thinking a lot about fear and asking them to name their fears. I bet that some of the things they fear are really unfounded. So far that's all I got. That and my intention to write out the things I need to be clear about before I go. O and the intention to breathe. I may forget to do that. :)

O here are some more resources for people coming out:
http://blog.oup.com/2007/10/coming_out/
http://www.hrc.org/issues/coming_out.asp

My friend freyasings sent me this because it's coming out day. It's something a friend of hers posted somewhere. So I share it with you. :)

Some of us have to choose to come out every day. In our desire to be the full embodiment of the gift God made us to be, we have to make choices. Will I be my best Black self today - or will I be silent. Will I be my Lesbian self today or will I try to pass as not gay. It's always about the choices, many times not even consciously.

And for me, underneath those choices is the shame. We have learned the shame. We have learned the shame better than we have learned anything else. The feelings of being "less-than", not "normal", "invisible" are manifestations of the shame. Some of us try to numb out the shame, while others have it buried so deep inside we don't dare get too close to it because then we can't control it. And all the while it's eating at our very souls. "Like acid on metal"-someone said last night.

We weren't born with shame. We are carrying someone else's shame. It's a sibling, parent, neighbor, teacher, church, or government's shame. Someone else's idea of what "normal" is because for them, same gender loving isn't a natural attraction!

As each and every one of us consider and remember who we are and whose we are, maybe today is the day we decide that carrying around someone else's shame isn't serving us anymore. Give it back to them! And maybe today we can begin filling that very large space with love for ourselves. Just as we are.

O one last side note....last night I dreamt I got married to a girl I know. And we met for the first time on the day of the wedding. Um. What! How weird is that!

That blasted study everyone is talking about!

I somehow let myself be lured into posting not once but twice on a blog a religious studies professor runs. Which is something I feel pretty fearful of doing generally. But this blog is one that people in my denomination read. And the author of it is someone I generally respect. So I posted bits of my thought. The post was on the Jones Yarhouse study done by Exodus regarding gays and lesbians trying to change. Here's the link if you want to read the entire long discussion. I could say a lot more on this, and it's not like coming out hasn't been hard. But, wow, do I like life more in the last year or so.

Here's part of what I said regarding "change":

Sometimes the idea of being gay causes so much self hate and desire to die that having the option to change gives one hope to live. However for me, although counseling was helpful in my efforts to hate myself and “cut” less (self harm). Ultimately it was a way to cope with (and perhaps avoid) a truth that I then thought was too horrific for me to handle because of what I was taught in church.

Counseling generally is great. I affirm it. And maybe other people need the option of attempting to change for the same reason I did. People are complex so I don’t really want this option taken away for those who rather be dead than gay. But, accepting all of me, and “coming out” to family and friends did far more for my mental health than “trying to change”.

Stages of Coming out

Last week at the "coming out" support group they talked about the stages of coming out. I didn't know what they were talking about so I googled it. I have listed the stages they mentioned below. I also found this article that seems to hold a bit more complexity in it, which I like. I think I'm at a stage IV. Also here's another article on coming out to parents. Which I already did but.... just for a resource I thought I'd link to it.

Stages [taken from here]

• Self-Recognition as Gay: More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, it involves confusion, some attempt at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety, trying to "pass," counseling, and often religious commitment to "overcome" sexuality. Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual orientation develops. There may be some grief over "the fall from paradise" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life. Gay and lesbian people may be fairly closeted at this point. However, most seek out information about being gay.
  
  
• Disclosure to Others: Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may cause a return to the Self-Recognition stage, but positive acceptance can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Usually disclosure is a slow process.
  
  
• Socialization with Other Gays: Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience that the person is not alone in the world, and there are other people like him or her. A positive sense of self, indeed pride develops, and is strengthened by acceptance, validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role models can play a big role in this stage.
  
  
• Integration and Acceptance: Entails an openness and non-defensiveness about one's sexual orientation. One may be quietly open, not announcing their sexual orientation, but available for support to others nonetheless. Couples live a comfortable life together and generally seek out other couples.
  

What? My being gay is an advantage? Who knew.

I handed in a reflection paper about multi-cultural counseling and how I was unsure that it's possible. I reflected on my experience in counseling. Mostly I'd say my counselor wasn't resourced to talk about issues of gay and lesbian clients.

Afterwards my professor called me aside and wanted to talk to me about it. And we talked for an hour where she just affirmed me and accepted me. I had some fears that in "coming out" it might affect my job prospects. But nope. She said my being different is an advantage. There are counseling centers who only want to hire someone who is gay or lesbian and who has come out because it can help their clients. I have an advantage in understanding that whole experience and it could help me in a job. Plus I can talk about issues of faith and religion that so often get tied up in a person's acceptance and coming out process.

I realize some of you might be thinking "Duh!" But it was so great to realize this aspect of me and my experiences of healing from cutting and acceptance of my sexuality are advantages. Not only that some clients only want to see someone who is gay if that's what they are struggling with. How great is that.

Sermon series on sex, dating, and marriage

This is a very christian centered post so....just saying that up front. So the current sermon series in my church right now is on sex, dating, and marriage. So here is what a lesbian christian thought while sitting in a super packed out church listening to a relatively hetro-focused sermon. You'd be surprised, I actually enjoyed it and I think I can translate most of it to my life as well.

First I really appreciate any church/pastor that has the balls to preach on something as tricky as sex. It's risky. And it's not just tricky because christians don't ever talk about sex in church beyond "Why wait sermons" or what I call "Idolatry of family over singlness sermons" because it's controversial. It's tricky at my church because the demographic is average age 26 and single, so pretty much all of us are thinking sex, dating, and marriage. He did ask if anyone in the church was called to celibacy. No one raised their hand and everyone laughed.

Here's what I loved. The pastor celebrated and praised singleness. And not like most other sermons I've heard that end by talking about family in the end anyway. Nope. He talked about how singleness is good. He praised it. He talked about the pain of being in a church where family and marriage is put on a pedestal. Which is true in a lot of churches. He talked about how impossible it was for people to be single in the early church (almost impossible actually). It was unheard of. So therefore for Paul to say "staying single is good" was revolutionary because they actually had a choice. Previous to that women/widows were legally requred to get married in two years. (Can you imagine!)

But then the part that he didn't give any closure to was this. He read a letter from some girl talking about how painful singleness is. Great so you acknowledge it's hard. That's great! But that's about where the helpfulness ended. It was sweet of him anyway to try. Most pastors don't.

Then he went into dating. An odd transition but, ok. He was so animated that sometimes I thought his points weren't fully solid, but he sure was fun to listen to anyway. I wrote down a few of the points. 1) Marriage is for friendship (Some genesis passage was quoted). He talked about how it's not just because he/she's hot! (duh!) but I guess that people must be confused about that. 2) It's sharing all of you... emotional intimacy matching physical intimacy.... which if you don't match that up in a committed relationship he says it can impact your ability to trust. There was more stuff here but I don't remember it. 3) And he asked people to consider if their callings/vocations dreams line up. And ask the question "Do you impact each other for the better?" Good questions for anyone thinking about a committed relationship.

OK so... bonus points for valuing singleness for it's sake. Negative points for being unable to do anything with the heart wrenching letter he read in front of the church. He gave no solution to that besides the oft said "Just trust Jesus and go to God with it." Like she's not doing that?! Bonus points for some great points about marriage and relationships. And yes, I was thinking "If I married a woman would I ask all these same questions?" Yes I think so.

So that was my morning. Then I went out for lunch and half way outed myself. It was really awkward conversation that vered from the sex sermon series into homosexuality. I was with two girls and one of them said something like "I don't think there is anyone from that lifestyle at our church and if someone was from that lifestyle was at our church they could just go to one of those other churches." To which I said, "Um. There are several of us though who like our church and don't want to go to another one." And then it was super awkward and we changed the topic. I am pretty sure I shocked her.

Seriously people I am not in a lifestyle. And for another thing don't ever assume there's no one gay in your church. Because it may be that I am having lunch with you and you don't even know it.

Parents: What's that have to do with it? - edited

I'm just going to re-edit this post instead of posting something new on the topic.

Yesterday I talked with my mom. They aren't ready to tell anyone about me or talk to me yet about the letter. Which I understand. But I told them my aunt knew and my current theory is that having other family know really scared her and she was fearful zuzu was influencing me negatively (like I don't have a mind of my own) or she was feeling fear, because I am telling people and she is not ready for that.

In her fear and because she was upset I was telling people, she said, "Zuzu is HIV positive". She said this because of an article she read that was a misprint.

So yesterday besides getting a major cold, I also spent a good deal of time thinking about how people equate being gay with all sorts of things that are not true. For a while I thought maybe she actually thinks being a lesbian means I would get HIV. HIV does not equal being gay, and may not even have anything to do with sex. And then I thought about how people self protect by keeping secrets. I thought about all I'm learning in Family System Therapy class about how keeping secrets and how saying "Don't tell anyone" is a sign of an unhealthy family system.

For the rest of the mother gossip saga see zuzu's comment below.

And sortof related, this blog post: What's sex got to do with it? got me thinking this week about how sexuality is MUCH more than just sex. It's passion and art and creativity... (why do you think I paint so much?) All this intersects for me with my thoughts lately. Towards the end of it I really related to the quote so go read it.

Yesterday was great

Yesterday I was really well loved. A co-worker brought me chocolate, I talked with another co-worker who said that knowing me changed how she wrote her ordination paper. I had Mexican food and a really long walk/talk with Bentley, dinner (indian food) with "freyasings", then Bentley and I went out for a beer and talked until 11:45 p.m.

And I think because of some of those conversations last night my dreams changed. They weren't as dark and I think in one of them my parents called and the story line of the dream wasn't all scary. Bentley said that once when I visited Vicky that Dan said when I left "I wonder if she knows she's gay yet?" A couple people have been saying this as I've been coming out. Which intrigues me.