Thursday, March 6, 2008

No talking days

Lo and I are taking one day a week and not talking or emailing to make sure we stay autonomous and separate human beings. Now this may sound a bit weird, but even though I hate it I think it's pretty healthy. I like the image of two trees standing straight and tall next to each other blocking the wind for each other, more than I like the image of entirely mixing liquids.

From my reading it sounds like women's relationships (friendships and dating) tend to be more whole life bonded than than male female relationships. My intercultural counseling book that talked about therapy with lesbian couples said that this is NOT pathological or bad. But relationships do need each person to have a clear grasp of their own minds and hearts. Sometimes making intentional "alone" time and space for that is healthy. I have even heard about men and women couples who do this. My friend Nic and her husband spend Sundays on their own each doing their own personal Sabbath reflective time. Every couple is different. This may mean multiple days or it may mean one hour. Frankly right now all I can handle is one day!

Practically for me on our no talking day, I am more likely get more work done (shocker!), to meditate or pray, to focus on other areas of my life that have fallen through the cracks, like that 2 page paper I just entirely missed last week. It's a grand experiment.

10 comments:

Casdok said...

An interesting idea.

Michael said...

It is certainly against the grain.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend and I have never set aside specific "No talking days", but we do have at least one or two days a week where we're really busy doing our own thing and don't get in contact.

It seems beneficial to the relationship and has prevented over-enmeshment. There were weeks where we were around each other constantly, and it seemed that toward about day 5 or 6 we were starting to bug each other a little and maybe we'd bicker some. Then we take that day or two break for ourselves, and at first it's great, then we start to miss each other and it makes it so much better when we see each other again. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I think personal space is essential to a healthy relationship. And don't worry, you'll still be reading each other's minds and finishing each other's sentences in no time. :)

Also, it was harder to be apart during the early stages of our relationship. But as time has gone on (2 years) and things have developed to a deeper level, we still feel close even when we are apart.

So, personal time can be a good thing.

ms26

(no subject) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
(no subject) said...

i think that what you and lo are doing is a very good idea. r and i have alone time like that but it's on two afternoons a week, and one evening. i agree that i get more done during those times, though.

sounds like you and lo have your heads on pretty straight if you've realized the importance of alone time. =)

Louise said...

Although I can imagine it would be hard the first few times, I kind of like the idea and definately think its healthy. Hmm...

Anonymous said...

Maybe i can try that after 2 years? LOL. Okay, i am kidding. I am contemplating individual time... but it's kinda hard when you miss each other like crazy and the bulk of the day is spent at work...

Anj

Anonymous said...

THis reminds me of a poem I like, the first stanza of which I have used on some art work. It's by A.R. Ammons:

Autonomy


I am living without you because
of a terror, a farfetched
notion that I
can't live without you

which I must narrow down & quell,
for how can I live
worthy of you, in the
freedom of your limber engagements,

in the casual uptakes of your
sweetest compliances
if stricken in your presence
by what your absence stills:

to have you, I school myself
to let you go; how terrible
to buy that absence
before the fragrance of any presence comes:

but though I am living without
you, surely
I can't live
without you: the thought of

you hauls my heavy
body up,
floats me around,
gives my motions point, just the thought.

FreyaSings

Anonymous said...

THis reminds me of a poem I like, the first stanza of which I have used on some art work. It's by A.R. Ammons:

Autonomy


I am living without you because
of a terror, a farfetched
notion that I
can't live without you

which I must narrow down & quell,
for how can I live
worthy of you, in the
freedom of your limber engagements,

in the casual uptakes of your
sweetest compliances
if stricken in your presence
by what your absence stills:

to have you, I school myself
to let you go; how terrible
to buy that absence
before the fragrance of any presence comes:

but though I am living without
you, surely
I can't live
without you: the thought of

you hauls my heavy
body up,
floats me around,
gives my motions point, just the thought.

FreyaSings

Anonymous said...

Sorry about my double post. I'm traveling and writing from an unfamliar laptop.

But I thought of one more thing to add.

My partner and I met at church where we were in different, but often overlapping, circles of friends. It's a big deal to go out to brunch after service at our church, and most of the time we continue to do lunch with our separate groups of friends and arrive back home on our own. My mom thinks this is very weird, but I kind of like it!