And again... if you are my family don't read this. (except zuzu of course).
So here's the thing, I have a crush on a girl (this happens to me a lot and doesn't necessarily mean anything). But this one feels different than 20,000 crushes on straight girls or side B girls or the random lesbian you just email or end up being "just friends" with. Our conversations feel more serious than anything I've ever experienced. Time will tell, but she may become my first girlfriend.
Um. Here's the thing though. She is really cute and thin. I'm not that big, but she is perfectly thin. Which is thinner than me. And I didn't know I was going to feel all insecure about that, but I do. She says I'm cute all the time. Calls me all sorts of pet names which I totally love. Why can't I take her at her word? Instead I experience all this other stuff bubbling up. I'm having a hard time believing she likes me as much as I like her. I try to remember when I've liked people who are bigger than me and I totally liked them a ton and didn't care a bit about their weight. So why do I now find myself anxious and afraid. I keep thinking she's going to change her mind tomorrow or that I am dreaming. But so far, we are both reciprocating sentiment.
I refuse to let any fear or insecurity about my weight or my looks get in the way of confidently loving someone though. This is my issue not hers. If I'm thinking about someone "being out of my league" like I have done before, I will not be able to be fully present with them and open to an "us".
Everyone I'm sure has these fears. It's just interesting that sometimes getting what you want (totally cute girl) is about as scary as not getting it.