Friday, February 1, 2008

Sometimes you get what you want and it's scary

And again... if you are my family don't read this. (except zuzu of course).

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So here's the thing, I have a crush on a girl (this happens to me a lot and doesn't necessarily mean anything). But this one feels different than 20,000 crushes on straight girls or side B girls or the random lesbian you just email or end up being "just friends" with. Our conversations feel more serious than anything I've ever experienced. Time will tell, but she may become my first girlfriend.

Um. Here's the thing though. She is really cute and thin. I'm not that big, but she is perfectly thin. Which is thinner than me. And I didn't know I was going to feel all insecure about that, but I do. She says I'm cute all the time. Calls me all sorts of pet names which I totally love. Why can't I take her at her word? Instead I experience all this other stuff bubbling up. I'm having a hard time believing she likes me as much as I like her. I try to remember when I've liked people who are bigger than me and I totally liked them a ton and didn't care a bit about their weight. So why do I now find myself anxious and afraid. I keep thinking she's going to change her mind tomorrow or that I am dreaming. But so far, we are both reciprocating sentiment.

I refuse to let any fear or insecurity about my weight or my looks get in the way of confidently loving someone though. This is my issue not hers. If I'm thinking about someone "being out of my league" like I have done before, I will not be able to be fully present with them and open to an "us".

Everyone I'm sure has these fears. It's just interesting that sometimes getting what you want (totally cute girl) is about as scary as not getting it.

6 comments:

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

I know what you mean. With my ex, I always felt like I didn't deserve someone as cute as her, that she could do much better than me and it was not healthy at all.

But Why? said...

Hi. Apologies - this comment is completely unrelated to this post, but as I don't yet know you from Adam, I don't feel qualified to comment on your relationships(!)

I dropped in from Random Reflection's blog - I was actually looking for someone to inflict a random tag on (I thought Random would be perfect, but it appears she's already randomly tagged out) then got distracted reading your excellent blog.

I have since taken the complete liberty of tagging you anyway, but do feel free to ignore it - I generally dislike tags but needed something to distract me from England being beaten at rugby (a game the English invented) by Wales (a nation with more male voice choirs than people). If you do fancy picking up the tag or seeing what it's about, head over to my place where you'll find the tag waiting for you.

Regards, and good luck with your girl!

Random Reflections said...

I think when we are potentially on the brink of something good we sometimes feel the need to find some reason to think it might not work out. Maybe it's a way of protecting ourselves? But what it can also do is mean we miss those opportunities that could have been great.

Have confidence in yourself. Everyone has their insecurities, we just have to make sure that we don't get left with regrets for not trying.

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."

- William Shakespeare

(no subject) said...

i completely understand what you are feeling. i agree with random reflections, i think that sometimes we have insecurities like these to protect ourselves. by refusing to let your insecurities getting in the way of "confidently loving someone" you are already taking a step towards overtaking your insecurities. definitely a good thing. just keep reminding yourself that she likes you for you, not for who you think you should be for her.
=D

AnJ said...

Lots of people would love to be in your shoes... :) All the best~

titration said...

Hey there all.

lksn - yeah I want to make sure I don't find myself in a place like that.

but why? - yep I took your tag and ran with it, as you already know. :)

rr - I LOVE that quote!

nosubject - This is advice beyond your years I think: "just keep reminding yourself that she likes you for you, not for who you think you should be for her."

Anj - Yeah I even want to be in my own shoes. :)