(same warning as yesterday - family except zuzu, skip this)
I felt like yesterday with those of you who commented was a great dialogue. I wasn't looking for answers really just some more people talking in my head besides me, so thanks. :)
I had counseling last night which I have realized I need right now. I still underestimate how much coming out, new friendships, things I deem innocuous griefs, and... impact me. And it felt good to have someone help me see it's been a full year and little things aren't so little. We also talked about how there are other things I can do with that baby (yesterday's analogy) like: visit, um, certain stores, date myself, learn what I want, be in community. Yada yada.
So what do you think I dreamed after those blog posts and my counseling session? I dreampt that my parents hired me a nanny. And she was the perfect dream representation of the ideal heterosexual woman from the 1950's. She was engaged and still a virgin and she told me a story about reprimanding her boyfriend because he said something hinting at a "come on". She looked like she was a character out of that movie "Pleasantville" which is a movie I think of a lot these days. She was very nice and sweet and all, but so unreal. And the stuff she was saying I knew I heard once before but it no longer made sense.
I remember thinking while asleep "this nanny was hired for me by my parents?" That's weird, that's not right. I am not a kid, don't need a nanny, and even if I did she's straight from the 1950's. I think at one point she was even cleaning up after me.
So maybe this blogging is my way of trying to re-purpose this parentally given nanny part of me so God and I can determine what really works for in the future. Crazy dream!