Thursday, January 3, 2008

Collecting truths when I am sad and angry

Last night I was already sad when my mom asked me if I called "that counselor's number". It's a counselor who has some connection to repairative therapy or Love Won out [groups who try and make people straight] or something. I told her no, I don't need to change and I already have seen multiple counselors to try and "heal". Right now I feel really sad and angry because what it feels like they are saying is "I didn't try hard enough or if I just saw the right person. Or I didn't do it right...." I really regret not going to that gay christian conference in Washington DC right now. I would have been around other gay christians.

I've been in a wobbly place this week anyway. Two little things happened and I felt rejected somehow. I got in this muddy place and text messaged/emailed someone who didn't need to be texted. Then I felt dumb. But then I emailed j who does want to, and is good at, being with me in an electronic-way when I am sad.

She said: "It's okay that you were weak in front of __________ and that she chose to care for you by suggesting you get in touch with your counselor." [my good one who isn't going to try and make me straight] Yeah, it is quite okay. And I realized in emailing j, that the other rejections had caused me to feel like the whole world had rejected me. j said: "The whole world has not rejected you!" This I know to be true. AND it was nice to be told again.

Isn't it great when friends can tell you truth when you can't see it yourself!


Casdok said...

Most definetly. We all need good friends, and yours sounds a very good friend.

Random Reflections said...

When I read your first paragraph, my initial thought was that this is about rejection and acceptance. Those are really difficult issues and sometimes we need our friends to point those out to us. Fortunately you have a good friend who is able to do that.

Cheryl said...

The church that J. and I are attending right now is doing a sermon this Sunday night on being a gay Christian. I don't know what all it will entail or cover, but if I think you might like it, I'll find a way to get it to you.

Hang in there, sweetie!

Zuzu said...

love u!