Last night I was already sad when my mom asked me if I called "that counselor's number". It's a counselor who has some connection to repairative therapy or Love Won out [groups who try and make people straight] or something. I told her no, I don't need to change and I already have seen multiple counselors to try and "heal". Right now I feel really sad and angry because what it feels like they are saying is "I didn't try hard enough or if I just saw the right person. Or I didn't do it right...." I really regret not going to that gay christian conference in Washington DC right now. I would have been around other gay christians.
I've been in a wobbly place this week anyway. Two little things happened and I felt rejected somehow. I got in this muddy place and text messaged/emailed someone who didn't need to be texted. Then I felt dumb. But then I emailed j who does want to, and is good at, being with me in an electronic-way when I am sad.
She said: "It's okay that you were weak in front of __________ and that she chose to care for you by suggesting you get in touch with your counselor." [my good one who isn't going to try and make me straight] Yeah, it is quite okay. And I realized in emailing j, that the other rejections had caused me to feel like the whole world had rejected me. j said: "The whole world has not rejected you!" This I know to be true. AND it was nice to be told again.
Isn't it great when friends can tell you truth when you can't see it yourself!