Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Rant alert: The sexual identity institute made me mad!

When I read this website for the sexual identity institute I felt really really really angry and judgmental. I overloaded or flooded with such strong emotion I left the site, but I'm still mad.

The one thing I am aware that made me mad is that under "people struggling" they talk about getting rid of triggers that remind you of same sex attraction or people you're attracted to. Do you know when I first heard this said? Jr. high! And how old am I now? 34. And does it help? Hell no! In fact holding on to objects of people who love you and who you love is a core part of how both children healthily attach, and how both couples and friends connect. I would even go so far as to say that owning and holding on to objects that belong to people who care about me has actually helped me cut and self hate less. It's increased my object permanence skills, like myself, calm and ground myself.

In Jr. High I read this little booklet on "emotional dependency" (a christian euphemism for what they think leads to homosexuality). In it they also said you should get rid of anything that belongs to someone so it won't be a trigger, and end any relationships that are emotionally dependent (where you are attracted or too attached). We aren't talking co-dependancy here or sexual addiction.

Take it from someone who has tried all of this. I got rid of things that reminded me of people. I ended a relationship entirely after going to a "conference" for healing. And it did me more harm than good. In order to follow the rules all of this stuff went underground. And it came out in self hate

Even if someone was trying to stay celibate, do you think it's going to be emotionally healthy for them to end every relationship where they have a crush? Or get rid of every object from anyone they were ever cared about by? That causes harm! It caused me harm and hurt me emotionally.

Emotional cut offs ARE NOT HEALTHY! Learning how to stay connected in relationship and negotiate both people's needs and wants is a sign of being an adult. Having physical reminders (stuff) of people who love you is very normal and can help a person connect and trust that others care about them. Who doesn't like to wear the sweatshirt of someone who loves them? Who doesn't own an object that belongs to their grandparent or best friend or partner. Why does that become bad just because you aren't straight or just because you are attracted to someone?

Attraction is a biological phenomenon people! And whatever you belive about what you do in action the biology and feeling is not a sin, it isn't an addiction, nor is it a choice. It just is. Trying to stop being attracted to people, killing your heart, throwing out stuff that belongs to someone you are attracted to, ending relationships DOES HARM!

OK breathing more deeply. I guess I haven't yet forgiven that conference for telling me to end that relationship and I haven't forgiven those authors for telling me to get rid of things!

Forgiveness is hard.

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