Monday, September 3, 2007

Telling the folks starts now

I am sitting drinking coffee, eating a spinach artichoke Souffle, and using free wi-fi on this lovely extra bonus day off! And I feel a little ill anticipating this next week.

My parents have come home from their vacation. So it's time to send the letter to tell them I'm gay. It's basically the same as the one I sent my brother and sister-in-law except I added a line to emphasize how being gay is not unhealth or an addiction. (I added that because of this conversation).

I feel like I am intentionally walking into something where I hear a lot of shoulds. I shouldn't tell them. I should protect them and their ideas of who I am. I shouldn't upset them.... And yet I am going to do it anyway.

This morning I read this in my required class reading:
"A major task of individuation, of reclaiming the 'real self,' is articulating, recognizing, confronting, and shedding the shoulds that govern behavior.... Escape from the prison of our personal shoulds is impossible until those shoulds are recognized and named and confronted..." (shoulds like don't tell, don't feel, don't talk about it...)

Hope lies in naming and confronting roles. The self can be refound and refounded on the more healthy ground of "I choose," I need," "I want," "I feel." - Sister Marilyn T Wussler
And so here I go choosing to tell. Hopefully diving into the large ocean wave that's barreling towards me instead of freezing up and letting it knock me over and drag me along the bottom of the ocean. (which is my favorite analogy for doing things I fear).

I think I need to call them to let them know a letter is coming so they aren't in shock too much when they get it. I will send it tomorrow, it may get there by Weds or thurs. I have counseling this week and support group next Monday. That's good. I am working out, praying, trying to spend moments staying still etc.

O and Saturday I ran four miles without stopping. This is a new personal record for me since I am not necessarily a runner. I am quite proud of myself.


Dawn said...

Stress can sometime push you to... running 4 miles. Good for you for a personal best.

You now have a new challenge and this is one will not detroy you but also make you better.

My thoughts and prayers.

JJ said...

You are so very brave. Family can be scary, but you are doing this.

I wish I had half your courage.

just me said...

thanks! And from what I remember the both of your blogs you are plenty brave yourselves!

Kamrin said...

This is my first time at your blog, via Dawn's Light, and I must say, sounds like you are venturing out into a brave area and it must make you feel proud. I don't know you, but I feel a strange sense of "proudness" at knowing you are going to do this. I can only hope that in the future, kids will not have to "come out" to their parents, it will just be a normal fact of life. Best of success with this!

Zuzu said...

Four miles is AMAZING! WOW! - Zuzu

M said...

I'm praying for you.

Anonymous said...

ohh I know where your sitting!! one of my fav places!
you are so brave, this path is so hard to walk on.... but, your catching up to me!! hehe. (but im so far behind you in so many ways!)

-lost in boston-