Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Imaginary conversations in my mind

I am doing all kinds of things that I know are good for me to do. Self care stuff. But when I'm not trying to go running, eat right, paint, meditate, pray, read, breathe deeply, hang out with people and watch movies to distract.... I find my mind looping around and around on the same thing, and it's not telling my family I'm gay. As always, it's a girl.

Does anyone else think in imaginary conversations? I think I may have imagined the same few conversations over and over again for the last four weeks. So I have a mini-crush. AND I also am very aware that I am in part having imaginary conversations in my mind to self soothe. It always takes me about six months to figure out if I am for real crushing on someone or if I am just focusing on them to soothe myself or to focus on something pleasant (deep sigh). Since I was about 8 years old having imaginary conversations with people I was enamored with has been my preferred coping mechanism. And let's face it there are good reasons for me to "cope" right now.

Will I have these imaginary conversations for real. This is why I likely won't.
  • I think she's out of my league.
  • I need her friendship worse, and refuse to mess that up.
  • I'm not brave enough. Does bravery grow or do I just choose to be brave?
  • I have so many other things going on. I don't want to mix telling family and school starting, and grieving whatever is.
  • It's bad timing for us both.
So as you can see I'm kind of a fan of this no-(wo)man's land area. But if I don't say something I'm going to keep having the same blasted conversations in my head. Which also does not bode well for my ability to concentrate. O reality therapy would probably be useful here. Ug. I suppose the good news in all this though it that It's my first crush on someone who isn't straight. That's got to count for something.


Lynnae said...

I am a super duper imaginary conversationalist. I have always found myself explaining things like "why I'm putting away my dishes this way" to someone I find wonderfully fascinating. I think it isn't something to feel silly about. If anything it's maybe allowing your heart and head to make this person more of a reality-maybe? So they aren't so fantastic- because anyone *I* would find worth "talking to" in this way is someone who has a super-human place in my life.

What you do with the real conversations and relationship is completely up to you. You're a smart girl and I know you will continue to examine this and you will figure out what works. I know that's not a good answer, I just wanted you to know you weren't alone with your imaginary convos. :)

melissa said...
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Anonymous said...

on bravery: i think there are situations that inspire it. most of the time [for me], it is a conscious effort and decision. as in, "forget being self-conscious, i AM signing up for dance lessons/going to the doctor even though i hate it more than anything/going on vacation to europe instead of just talking about it/auditioning for that classical choral group even though i know the director is wayyyy intimidating". granted, these may seem a bit shallow - but there are/were important to ME. here's to choosing to be brave. -mvl

just me said...

lynnae yes thanks for saying I'm not alone in my imaginary convos. mvl thanks for bravery cheerleading.

L said...

I have imaginary conversations too. It can get madening when I go over it so many times in a loop. sometimes they are pleasant, sometimes not as in with my family.
but yes, i guess it's normal since more than one of us does it!

Anonymous said...

It's been so long since I've had an imaginary conversation - I almost forgot about my former tendencies to have them! Almost always about a crush. Did I say almost? Okay, ALWAYS. And most often when I was in my car (I drove a lot of long distances during college and got bored). I suppose they've died down now because I'm married, and I haven't had any crushes for a really long time. Seriously, I forgot how fun those conversations used to be. And how utterly frustrating, because most of the time they would never happen in real life.


~Deb said...

A positive self-dialog is a great thing that produces positive results! I'm all for it!

Zuzu said...

I don't imagine conversations. Sometimes I dread conversations, but I do generally trust my ability to articulate my feelings - because I think through my feelings more than I feel through them - thus putting words to them "feels" pretty easy.

I've found, like I say, that sometimes I dread conversations. And overtime I've come to realize, that for myself, having the conversations is always easier than the anxiety and dread that can proceed them - so maybe I'm less brave because I don't want to endure additional time being uncomfortable, but I'm more apt to just be out with it for my own comfort level.

If saying how I feel (without expectations) destroys a friendship - then that friendship wasn't made of the metal I'd hoped or thought. I'd rather live with real relationships and their consequences than something invented or unacknowledged. If someone isn't going to like me because of something I say or feel, I'd rather know now and get it over with rather than prolong some fantasy.

That's just me.. that's just how I am.

I get bored when I try to imagine conversations.. the further I go is in exploring a few possible responses to a controversial comment/statement I may be planning on making - I don't really conjure a response, but moreso I explore how I feel about those responses and what I think about them. But really, mostly, I like the mystery of surprising myself with how I respond... I mostly I'm delightedly surprised in the moment. Maybe that sounds silly...


just me said...

O my word what a fun little conversation this is. :) tc, l, deb... wow. I must be more normal that I thought.

zuzu your comment made me grin. Especially this line: "I like the mystery of surprising myself with how I respond... I mostly I'm delightedly surprised in the moment." I like how you think differently than me on this. It allows me to imagine me differently.

I am wondering if maybe I have imagined convos to feel close to someone when i am not otherwise able to be close to them? Hmmm.

I think you are more present in the moment generally than me!

Zuzu said...

I'm not sure that I'm more present in the moment.. or I wouldn't go that far... I'm just unwilling to be uncomfortable for very long with things left unsaid once I figured out I know/want/need/desire to say them. Maybe I just have less patience in the moment? - Zu