Saturday, August 11, 2007

Blogging and cutting and hiding

I blog because it forces me to say things I would normally hold inside which would lead to cutting or self hate. And when I need to voice even more I take it to my journey or counseling.

I should probably now start sharing in a support group and no longer on my blog. It would be MUCH safer emotionally. I am thinking about blogging and cutting because my desire to cut today is pretty high. I figured this would happen. And no I won't do it. But I also just realized I am not so sure blogging will be helpful anymore either because I'm feeling a little unsafe and vulnerable.

There is a great deal of catharsis and help in reading other peoples blogs. And there is a certain "high" in being a voyeur and reading through someone's blog in it's entirety. Especially if you know them and want to know what they really think. I get that and am fine with it in most cases.

There are plenty of things I don't blog about. I do assume that anyone could read or find my blog, but I have generally hoped anyway that it is/was still a safe place for me to find some like minded people and document some of this journey. I never use names. I hope that if family or friends found this space would talk about it with me. BUT I really really was hoping (to be perfectly honest) family wouldn't find it. Alas. I know/knew there was no guarantee that I would have a safe place here. But what happens when your blog says the stuff you weren't ready to say verbally?

I know this girl who has zero online presence. She doesn't post online anywhere. She never comments on blogs. She doesn't blog. She doesn't have a myspace or facebook account. She doesn't have her name up for her job. Nothing. And she's younger than me so this is a really rare thing. I've always been really amazed by that. She does it because she is paranoid. Which I used to be more so. But these days I suppose hiding me, and what was going on, was killing me. Today however I think being visible can also be too overloading. Where is the balance between being hidden and being seen? There really is no such thing as safety in many ways.

In other news I went to a great concert last night for a friends birthday with 12 of her friends most of how I know. I guess it's my month of concerts.


M said...

The first time I cut in four years was when my parents found out I was gay, which was two years ago this week. I'm proud of you for not giving in. Keep it up - I know how hard it is.

Often I worry about my family finding my blog, because I also can't say those things to them verbally. At the same time, I can't say those things to them ever, so I'd kind of like them to find it. Depends on the day, really.

slashdotmad said...

me thinks it's easier to say things to a whole world of strangers than to your family. I just realised something while reading your post - nobody in my family ever asked about the scars, even though they must have seen them, noticed them, surely. perhaps asking would mean having to deal with something they have no idea how to deal with.Other people have asked though, and I had no problem talking about it.
I haven't cut for over a decade now, but any time someone says cutting is stupid I feel my blood boil.And you're probably right - you get to a point when just talking/blogging about things isn't quite enough. Strangely blogging being such a public thing can be very lonely and isolating in some ways.

Zuzu said...

I adore reading your blog. I enjoy how honest you are, how thoughtful, and I feel I know you better because you reveal how your mind works - how you process things - and it's very enriching and beautiful.

I think that one day a young Christian questioning/lesbian youth is going to find your blog and it's going to bring her a great deal of comfort and open up options about staying in her faith and talking to her family that perhaps hadn't occurred to her. Your bravery is writing about ALL of this is lovely.. and I hope you keep writing even when it feels scary.

At least, perhaps, password protect and keep writing until you feel confident enough to make/keep it public? I would sooo miss your words.


just me said...

m - It's really good to know people who have traveled this same road eh! And yeah I get how it depends on the day.

slashdotmad! Hi there. I agree it is easier to say things to a whole world of strangers than your family sometimes. I think it felt to me like there was so much more risk there. Hmmmm. And I don't have scars but I do have a tattoo where I cut. I have freely explained why I have the tattoo to strangers but this weekend was the first time I told my family. Thanks for your comment!

zuzu - thanks for cheerleading me sharing and blogging. It's nice to know you'd miss me blogging. I think blogging is good practice for me being more open like this in life.