I blog because it forces me to say things I would normally hold inside which would lead to cutting or self hate. And when I need to voice even more I take it to my journey or counseling.
I should probably now start sharing in a support group and no longer on my blog. It would be MUCH safer emotionally. I am thinking about blogging and cutting because my desire to cut today is pretty high. I figured this would happen. And no I won't do it. But I also just realized I am not so sure blogging will be helpful anymore either because I'm feeling a little unsafe and vulnerable.
There is a great deal of catharsis and help in reading other peoples blogs. And there is a certain "high" in being a voyeur and reading through someone's blog in it's entirety. Especially if you know them and want to know what they really think. I get that and am fine with it in most cases.
There are plenty of things I don't blog about. I do assume that anyone could read or find my blog, but I have generally hoped anyway that it is/was still a safe place for me to find some like minded people and document some of this journey. I never use names. I hope that if family or friends found this space would talk about it with me. BUT I really really was hoping (to be perfectly honest) family wouldn't find it. Alas. I know/knew there was no guarantee that I would have a safe place here. But what happens when your blog says the stuff you weren't ready to say verbally?
I know this girl who has zero online presence. She doesn't post online anywhere. She never comments on blogs. She doesn't blog. She doesn't have a myspace or facebook account. She doesn't have her name up for her job. Nothing. And she's younger than me so this is a really rare thing. I've always been really amazed by that. She does it because she is paranoid. Which I used to be more so. But these days I suppose hiding me, and what was going on, was killing me. Today however I think being visible can also be too overloading. Where is the balance between being hidden and being seen? There really is no such thing as safety in many ways.
In other news I went to a great concert last night for a friends birthday with 12 of her friends most of how I know. I guess it's my month of concerts.