For those of you who read my blog, don't know me, and were wondering what triggered my last post it was that my brother and sister-in-law found my blog. And for a while I freaked out. But they wrote a very nice email and so I stopped panicking and am not going to delete the blog. I find blogging somewhat therapeutic so I'm glad I am going to continue. Also it lets me practice being more open about how I really am thinking and feeling in a way that I am not as good at in every day life.
This weekend my friend ae was here. She asked me "Do you think if you had dated a guy for a year you would be at this place?" Um? Let's just ignore what hearing this question feels like for now. Here's what I've been thinking since.
I tried to explain that my feelings towards men who I enjoy can be warm and fussy, but are at about 20% the strength of my feelings towards the couple of crushes I have had on women. I feel towards these guy friends very much like I feel towards some of my good friends who are women.
Still, since she left I've been thinking about how maybe it's the difference between pull and push technology. Pull technology is when I have to put out effort and intention to go pull something down from the internet. Push technology is when something just automatically downloads to my computer with no effort of mine. (like a security update or podcast that I subscribed to at birth?).
My attraction towards women is push technology. Whatever it is just starts when I meet a certain woman (no not all women). I am drawn almost magnetically to some women. I have fought it, but that hasn't worked. I have tried to stop thinking about them, and that hasn't worked. I have yearned to be with them and sometimes actions of wooing (or that might look like that) come out of me without me even thinking about it. It's like something happens automatically. It's something I have had to try and fight to stop.
This has not happened with the few men I have been friends with or tried to like. There have been guy friends that I tried to like because I so badly wanted to like a guy. It was like pull technology. I spend effort trying to get myself to intentionally seek them out. I would try and think about them (where with these particular women I would try to force myself not to think about them). It felt a bit like the magnets that were me and these guys were turned away from each other. The kind of thing where they repel each other.
I don't know if this is a good way of trying to explain this, but it was how I was thinking this morning.