Last night My friend Nic and I went to a book reading event. It was for the book "Waiting for the Call, from Preachers Daughter to Lesbian Mom" by Jacqueline Taylor. I am a fan of book and poetry readings generally. But this one was the most captivating "reading" I've ever attended.Part of this was because the author, Jacqueline Taylor, read in a way that felt conversational and gave me that "get still and soak it in" feeling. A huge part of it is because she has a similar journey to mine she's just way further down the road. Hearing anyone's story who is a pastor's kid like me is a resource. I was curious how she coped, how she came out to her family, how.... everything.
Taylor also choose some great passages to read. I was hanging onto her every word. I could relate as she told about how it felt like their family lived in a fish bowl. And how their entire family would support her dad in his job. And how dinner conversations were usually about the church. And how everyone in the town knew them and watched them. Yes, that is the life of a pastor's kid.
Afterwards Nic and I went out for Sushi. We talked until 11:30 p.m. I just recently "outed" myself to her. And her response has been so very amazing. She loves me well. I am finding in this process amongst the christians I tell there are two types of friends starting to form. One type will say I am still me, they are my friend, but they can't handle me telling them anything about dating.
The other group is the group Nic would go in, and those are people who can hear anything. They don't draw boundries around what I can share with them or not share with them. When was explaining to nic last night how grateful I was that she didn't ask me to not tell her about anything dating related I got all chocked up and teary. And then I realized it really does impact me that I can't tell friends, "Hey I kissed someone for the first time." And I realized for the first time that I am feeling increasingly hurt and therefore angry with the first group of friends. They only want to know the stuff that's easy for them to know about me. The things that don't make them question or feel uncomfortable.
I thought I was going to be OK with it. I told them I understood when they told me their boundries. But I'm not ok with it. It actually does impact my friendships with them. And it makes me very sad.
2 comments:
I think, "of course it impacts your friendship - it should." That's what I think and feel. And also, however, it's equally true that there is something about them that you can't accept (their close mindedness and inability to support and hear you?) that they've chosen or been born into - you pick. It might be that those friendships need to fall by the wayside for the time being and you might find you have more room for relationships like that at some other point in your life - at which point if they are real, they can be rekindled. You're doing a great job. - Zuzu
Yes and thanks and ug all the same. :)
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