My weekend non-date

On my friendship date (because it felt sort of like a date but wasn't one). Spent the morning at the library surfing the web and reading for school. The library I was in is so pleasant. Sun-filled and spacious. For being a public library it's one of my favorites. Then at 3:00 I went to the pub where I was going to meet "E". It's a risky thing to meet someone new like this... even if it's a friend thing.

She came. A stunning fact in itself, I think. I found her to be endearing, beautiful, intelligent, thought-full and thought provoking. We talked for two and a half hours. She was a really great conversationalist and asked good questions. She also had pretty good eye contact.

One of my "tracks" of thought since then has been to ask "what do I find attractive?" I have spent so many years trying to figure out what other people thought attractive so I could like the same thing. I have had some of my own thought but my environments definition of attractiveness has been stronger in me that my own. So I'm letting myself name and step towards the things that I find attractive. It's good learning. It's also a little weird to blog about so...

Here's one thing...I am totally enamored really straight blond or red hair and all kinds of hands but lately hands with short fingernails. And of course good eye contact. But doesn't everyone find that attractive? It's quite likely that I like what I don't have since I do not have straight blond or red hair. E's hair was straight and red. She's tall and thin. We both wore red, ironically. Although I was trying to lean into the just friendship, casual thing and wore a red zip up sweatshirt. She looked much cuter and less casual. And yes, she had great hands with short fingernails.

And I apologize if any of you reading this find it weird to read. Anyone who knows me also knows how attractive the way someone thinks and talks can be to me. She said multiple times "I'm going to have to think about that more." And then she pulled back into the booth we were sitting in and I could see her think to herself across the table. It was enduring. She asked good questions. She is articulate and smart. The three most thought provoking topics we covered were: faith and how we each deal with the churches judgment of gays and lesbians. Second, her volunteer work in the past and present. She mentors youth who are struggling with their sexual identity. And third, for some odd reason I like knowing she is the youngest child multiple brothers.

Here's the part I don't know what to do with though. When we emailed she said that she wasn't looking to date right now but was looking for friends. She's just out of a relationship I guess. I get that. I prefer starting with being friends. But see, I just said the word starting. What if I want to date her? I do feel solace knowing I am not responsible to know the answers for what goes on in life next week. I only am responsible for today, for the next ten feet.

I guess the conclusion of it all is I had a very enjoyable afternoon and I'd hang out with her again.