Accidental and purposeful outings

It seems I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets. Today I pretty much outed my own self. Not fully because my friend only guessed that I had a crush on another friend of mine a while back. Still it wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this need to share what's going on in me. And sometimes I share things and people can connect the dots. I guess that's what happens when you have intelligent friends.

Part of me wants to out myself and another part of me never wants anyone to know.
Speaking of which, I fell asleep last night imagining throwing a party at friends house to make a grand announcement. I even know the wine I would bring in for it. I imagined who I would invite. I even imagined creating an evite for the event. It's all dramatic. The evite would say something like "I have a major announcement and would like to tell you all at once, please rsvp." And then when they showed up we would be drinking wine and I would tell them. Something about this makes me happy until I think of the reality of it and then I think "dumb dumb dumb dumb".

I'm not ready yet to throw such a party but I wonder if after a couple dates I might be. If any of these people I'm chatting with ever actually follow through on meeting me.

And speaking of outings...Tomorrow one of the people I've been emailing and I are having a beer and curry fries. This is not a date. She said even though she's online that she is only seeking friendship not dating right now. I'll ask her why. But it does take off the pressure in meeting.

Of all the people I've emailed so far she has (perhaps because of the friendship qualifier) been the most verbal, intelligent, and interesting. Whatever is, I'm super excited just to go out even as friends. Woo hoo 3:00 on a Sat. I shall of course let you know how it goes.

Also I'm supposed to be going out (maybe) with that first person who kept rescheduling on Monday. But she hasn't emailed me back in a while so it might not be happening...