Friday, May 9, 2008

Pondering sending...

This is a letter I'm thinking about sending my fam. after the conversation we had on Weds.

Dear Fam.

What is important for me to have you know is that I’m doing better in every area of my life, than I have ever done. I’m finally at peace after 10 plus years of silent struggle, I like myself (and after a good 12 years of self hate that’s a god-send), I’m actually feeling more comfortable at church than I have been in a long time. And I’m doing great at my job and at school.

I do hope there is a bridge for us in our shared christian faith or even just being family, even though we see things differently. This is such a small part of life and who I am. Plus there are plenty other things we can talk about, like my school and my work and your lives.

Although your question about sex felt inappropriate I wonder if what you wanted to say was “you are parents, you want to make sure I’m ok and safe”. If that is the case I assure you I am fine and safe. I wish I could explain that I am not the stereotypes you have in your head. I live my life as a christian first, who happens to be gay.

You may ask about Lo some time in the future if you want. One thing I was sad that you didn’t ask was if she was a christian since that's what you would normally ask. She is, by the way. And that is why I met her even though she lives far away. It’s important to me to have christian community that has walked this same journey, one that feels lonely because so many do not understand it.

I hope you find someone to talk to about all of this, like a christian counselor of some sort. I know you wanted me to see someone who would be like a previous counselor I had, someone who would somehow change all this. I have been in counseling for years with christians of various stripes and continue to be, however, I feel my attempt to change did me harm, and so I will not cause that harm to happen to myself again.

[side not to anyone reading this online, here I deleted content about what counseling organizations say about repairative therapy]


p.s. I had my interview for internship today. It went well. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it. I just need to see if I can afford to do that and not work as much.


Zuzu said...

Whatever you decide to do, please know that my thoughts are with you and that I hold you in my heart. I'm so happy that you have found someone who brings you joy. You deserve happiness. - Zu

polkadotsandhiccups said...

I think your letter is great. What sounds most important to me in this is that you are telling your parents that you are happy. What more can they really want or ask of you? Happiness is happiness, as parents thats all I ask of my children, is to be fulfilled in all they do. At least thats how I look at it. Although you know your own parents, I think the part (bullet notes) at the bottom looks very 'clinical' to me and loses the personal touch of the note. But thats just me. I really like how you got your feelings across and it seemed to work as is. In my opinion (which I seem to be offering a lot of in this comment - gosh), you are you....don't make it into something that is out of a textbook,(unless of course your parents are just those kind of people that need the background as such) Here's to you as you are. So fantastic!!!

Random Reflections said...

Good letter. I think if it was me I would make it a bit 'softer' at the beginning, by which I mean giving the letter more of an introduction. It might just take them by surprise with how direct it is. Not that I know your family and maybe I am just putting a British spin on it...

ChicagoPioneerGal said...

I am all about directness - and putting things in their court. You have made very clear choices - which some people go through a whole lifetime of struggling with! What a journey. Now that you have gotten through that, it's time for you to ENJOY the joy and happiness that is your GOD-given right. Claim it. How's that for mixing the evang. language!?

Cheryl said...

It's a great letter. I'm just not so sure you should send it immediately. (Just my two cents worth)

But Why? said...

It's a very good, meaured letter. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

titration said...

Thank you all for your comments and feedback. I did sent it and my folks did seem to accept it so that was good. :)

I took out the bullet points (thanks polkadotsandhiccups) but the rest of it kept the same.

I may had made it a bit softer in the beginning but I sent it before I got your comment rr. Alas.

cpg - funny, your encouraging mix of evangelical lingo. :)

cheryl and but why - thanks for saying your thoughts. I appreciate it!