Lo said when I told her about my recent conversation with my parents, "Thank you Jesus! It's a modern day miracle." I grinned wildly at her. See she said, "Do not assume". The do not assume language is from one of our favorite books "The Four Agreements". And I wouldn't say everything is fine or has changed but I do feel less dread and more hope.
It was after church and a lovely lunch with some friends who had come into town for their sister's graduation. I was feeling dread. Because of our last conversation even though it was mothers day I was so scared to call them. I knew I needed to though so I just kept sitting there. And then my mom called me.
We talked about their church and mothers day and that she liked my gift. And then she said she was ready to talk more. She asked me to say more about my attempts at healing before and my journey. I told her and they (my dad was on the phone in the background) were really listening. I talked about the "healing prayer" conferences I've been to, the times I went to get healed, some of the things I talked about in counseling.
They agreed that I shouldn't hate myself, that God doesn't hate me... I talked about how some people say people are gay because of how they were raised, but I don't think my parents raised me badly. They did a fairly good job.
My mom said she's been reading books for two days. I do not know what she is reading but when I was on the phone things certainly felt better. I didn't feel the dread I had before. I felt heard, like my struggle was heard. And I felt some hope that maybe I can bring a girlfriend for holidays. I was just so relieved that I wasn't going to be abandoned. I know it's dumb to think my parents would abandon me, but I was afraid. I know or have heard of so many people who have been rejected. I am reminded today that the bible says "Do not fear!"
My mom said that things are supposed to get simpler as you get older, but that it gets more complicated, especially for parents.
Happy Mothers day.