Sunday, April 6, 2008

Homophobia Sucks - Girl kicked out of school because she was gay

I keep editing this post in order to work things out in my head and heart. This is one of the things I do to help me have voice and figure things out.

So today I drove to have lunch with a relative of mine who goes to . She asked me about the boy front. Ug. I don't love this part of any conversation. This time instead of dodging it I just tried to find out where she stood on glbt issues. She said, "I'm against it. The bible says it's wrong so it's wrong." In my head and heart I felt myself slam shut all doors to wanting to share with her. Why even bother I thought, it's futile. (I know I should challenge this lie in my head).

I asked her if she has any gay or lesbian friends. She said no. But then she told me that last week one of her teammates got kicked out of school for being gay (and it seems for other things). I wish I had more information on the details, but this is all I have. If anyone else knows the scoop do tell.

I'm not sharing this to "talk bad" about the school. However it made me even more sad and upset and closed to sharing. I'm sure the story on why this girl left is complicated and dramatic. The way it sounded the president and faculty had to be involved. Which doesn't sound to me like a simple expulsion. The fact that her being gay was even part of why she was kicked out of school is emotionally evocative for me. I don't care if the girl was confused or "not really a christian", or drank (which is what this relative said). I keep thinking about that movie "Saved".

Homophobia sucks I tell you. I hate it. I feel drained, and 3 times more tired when I am not accepted and come to realize I can't be myself. I don't want to stay and combat judgments I want to disappear. I am trying to think of the 4 agreements.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering
Yes, someone else's homophobia is not about me. In fact an entire school's homophobia isn't about me. But when is this a justice deal? I just don't know when to voice stuff and when not to. It's all overwhelming.

As a side note: My church service this morning was stunningly phenomenal today. And helpful in light of this. We are in a series on "hard questions" and today's question was "Why is there suffering in the world?"


Anonymous said...

I hear ya!! Homophobia is very, very draining. I heard the most extreme comments said about me, and gay people in general, by a once close friend about three weeks ago. This particular "Christian" friend basically believes that "homosexuals don't deserve to be alive", "God hates homosexuals", and "the world would be a better place if homosexuals were dead". That is quoting her verbatim. (worst "coming out" reaction thus far) Scary isn't it? Who needs enemies when you can have friends like that?

It's hard to psychologically and emotionally work past such comments. I don't know what to think. It's probably not even about me. Maybe people are uncomfortable with me because of insecurities within themselves. I dunno. That's just speculation.

There are times where I want to get angry and lash out, but that won't do any good. Then there are other times where I just want to retreat into my shell or crawl under a rock. But maybe the best defense is a pair of imaginary-earplugs and to continue living and loving as best as I can. Who knows? It can be depressing though.


Casdok said...

Great post. It does suck. And is very sad, when people cant be themselves.
I also come across it all to often.

titration said...

ms26 - Wow that was a much harder response than I've gotten yet! Sad to hear it. That is something to grieve. In fact I almost feel like grieving it for you!

So so so so sad. And yes I agree it is psychologically and emotionally hard to work past such comments.

It IS NOT ABOUT YOU! These are her own lies in her head.

cadok. I know from reading your blog there are soooooo many things autism etc. being one that people are judged for!