Saturday, January 12, 2008

1992 Journal - Recognizing patterns

I've written in a journal since before 1991. These days some of that has gone onto this blog. The great advantage having these tombs of nonsense is that I can use them to recognize patterns in my life. One of the things that I want to get good at for myself and others is recognizing patterns. It's good for a future counselor to recognize them, as well as, identify why they are there.

For most people, me included, this is a hard thing to do. I am blind to some of my patterns. Are you? I can recognize the pattern that I have liked coffee, swimming, and reading since before 1992. That's good self knowledge, but not really the type of pattern I'm talking about.

How about this one. I can recognize in every journal since 1992 there are laments about a relationship with some girl. [That's not the pattern I am getting to, that's just being a 'mo I think] In 1992 it was Lora, cute brown haired piano player who I worked with at camp. In the first half of my journal I wrote about seeing her, talking with her, praying with her, wishing she would hug me...again... every single day until the end when I wrote about how I smothered her. Is anyone really shocked? This was my pattern.

Now this is a pattern I had, and don't have anymore I am proud to say. And I worked on it really hard in counseling because it caused me a ton of self hate. A ton. I was working on it years before I even admitted to myself I was gay.

The pattern that I haven't changed and have just recognized again reading this journal is that I don't know how to relax and not think. While reading my 1992 self I think that if I had been able to just chill, not analyze, and play a bit, my little 1992 self would have been sooooo much happier, healthier..... It would have been totally inappropriate to flirt with Lora since she was straight, but I also don't think "holding hands and praying" and "talking about our relationships with God and each other" was quite the thing either.

I have been told a lot that I think too much, I need to relax, I analyze, I question too much. You would think that I would be aware of this pattern, but I forget, because it's just what I do. So after last week when a nearly perfect stranger told me the same day she met me that I analyze too much, I've determined I need to learn to chill.

How do other people do this? I watch movies, go out with friends.... I guess the issue is anything, even the most funny silly thing causes me to go deep and start questioning. Ironically therapy is a place where you are suppose to think and question and talk about all I wonder how to work on this in counseling. Or in the future how to help other people work on this?

I should paint more. Painting isn't about thinking at all. Hmmm.


Cheryl said...

I'm the same way you are... very analytical, questioning everything. I find that only the people who do NOT analyze and question are the ones who tell me I need to chill/relax and not analyze so much.

It seems to me, at least as I know you from what you express in your blog, that you recognize beauty, you enjoy the company of others, you enjoy the small and big pleasures of life. So if you add a strong desire to look beneath those things, what's the harm in that.

Unless your analyzing ways are causing you pain in your life, ignore those who are trying to change you. Perhaps your questioning nature is making THEM uncomfortable!

Random Reflections said...

I too am someone who analyses everything. I can be walking to work and my mind is constantly whirring thinking about things around me and other stuff going on in my life.

I sometimes realise this but don't really know how to stop it. I get brief respite when I find something that totally absorbs me, like your painting idea excpet that I am not creative at all!

If you find the answer then I'd be grateful...

Anonymous said...

Get cable. Seriously, it will cause you to not think for hours on end :)


(no subject) said...

i have found that when i start to think about things too much and try and analyze things it is best if i do something that requires very little thinking or so much concentration that i can't think about anything else. for me going to the batting cages and playing sudoku are my "releases" that i turn to.

i know that you have made comments about how you need to paint more and that painting is something you enjoy very much. i think that painting more would be a great way to try and just relax and not think too much about anything else.

titration said...

Hmmm. cheryl, Yes there may be a very curious reason why people avoid questions. RR, Finding something to absorb me, good times. I know what I'd like to absorb me. :). No subject - yes Suduko can be good but batting cages, sadly I can't hit or catch much of anything. tc - cable. I wish!
:) O I love when people can relate to me.