Thursday, September 6, 2007

Not Cutting

As you might guess coming out is stressful. And I have been thinking of cutting a lot lately. But so far so good. My bulwark of self care mechanisms is holding: painting, working out, journaling, time with people who feel safe, deep breathing, some positive self talk, support people, counseling tonight....

All in all I'm fine. I am going to be fine. I am shaky.

Today I lost my phone for a while. The person who found it called my mom in order to find me. And in the process I told my mom a letter is coming in the mail. It was a stupid move! I was so overwhelmed by the fact that the letter was about to blindside her. I felt bad. But warning her was perhaps worse.

She was very calm but clear that writing a letter is never good. How my dad did that once and it was really bad. I should tell them in person. They assumed it was a letter about them. I told them it's not about them, or anything bad about them. She said they won't open it until I am available to talk. Plus, I guess a missionary is staying with them this weekend. I said it was bad timing. My mom said there isn't ever good timing. So that's where things are at.

I really am finding hard in spite of my bravery. I knew it would be hard. I expected this. This morning I thought "Why didn't I just keep hiding this from my family for the rest of my life." In spite of how hard this feels in the moment I know that is not what I want. I have seen someone else hid this from their family and it's killing them. They are afraid all the time. And the guy who I know who told his family found, in the end, it made their family and him much better. It took me a long time to decide to tell people and I am sure about it I just am going to feel ill for a while.


Zuzu said...

Maybe you should go out for one of those oogy deep fried twinkies and cherry coke? - Zu

Anonymous said...

great picture from yesterday - gorgeous. You ARE gonna make it through this. And yes, you might feel ill for a little while... and I loved your use of the word bulwark. hang in there - your friend you'll see in november

PixieDust said...

You were strong enough to find your true self, be strong enough to not harm that beautiful soul now. Stay strong, and know that God is by your side, and you are in my prayers.


just me said...

pixiedust - yes. I am going to be stong enough thanks for the prayers/cheerleading.

nov. friend :)

zuzu - you are brilliant. Sometimes it's the tiny joys in life... Although I think that joy should only be had about once a year. Still.

Anonymous said...

Wow, reading your posts about coming out to your parents makes my heart pound. I get nervous and shaky too. I like your idea of sending a letter. That's good, I might do that with my own parents.
I'll give you a little background on myself, I am a 26 year old women who is also a lesbian and I am also a cutter. But have found other ways to cope instead of cutting. I was raised in a conservative Christian (Baptist)home and boy did that cause a lot of self-hatred.
I'm going to have to tell my parents someday too (the timing is bad right now). And the thought has crossed my mind to just hide it from them for the rest of my life as well. But they need to know. It's good if they know. It'll be ok. You're very brave. Stay strong, you'll make it through and maybe you're relationship with your parents may be deepened (in time) because you have been open with them.

just me said...

hey 26 year old anonymous... thanks for visiting/commenting. Thanks for the encouragement. And do pay attention to your heart re: timing and your own self care as well. We both will be ok.

L said...

hey, I am scared and have pretty much decided not to come out to my family. we are not clost anyway and don't even live in the same town. no thanks right now. maybe some time later. I am just now trying to make my new life. Love reading your posts. they are very insightful and meaningful. really love them.

JJ said...

Hey there,

I understand that anxiety... and you can add my voice to the support and prayers that are going up for you.

In addition... does the email address associated with your blogger account work? Cause I get email notifications when someone leaves a comment, and if that email address works, then I could write you there... as a matter of fact, I sent an email yesterday or the day before, but it no doubt ended up in your junkmail so... I'll try again.

Just a head's up.