As you might guess coming out is stressful. And I have been thinking of cutting a lot lately. But so far so good. My bulwark of self care mechanisms is holding: painting, working out, journaling, time with people who feel safe, deep breathing, some positive self talk, support people, counseling tonight....
All in all I'm fine. I am going to be fine. I am shaky.
Today I lost my phone for a while. The person who found it called my mom in order to find me. And in the process I told my mom a letter is coming in the mail. It was a stupid move! I was so overwhelmed by the fact that the letter was about to blindside her. I felt bad. But warning her was perhaps worse.
She was very calm but clear that writing a letter is never good. How my dad did that once and it was really bad. I should tell them in person. They assumed it was a letter about them. I told them it's not about them, or anything bad about them. She said they won't open it until I am available to talk. Plus, I guess a missionary is staying with them this weekend. I said it was bad timing. My mom said there isn't ever good timing. So that's where things are at.
I really am finding hard in spite of my bravery. I knew it would be hard. I expected this. This morning I thought "Why didn't I just keep hiding this from my family for the rest of my life." In spite of how hard this feels in the moment I know that is not what I want. I have seen someone else hid this from their family and it's killing them. They are afraid all the time. And the guy who I know who told his family found, in the end, it made their family and him much better. It took me a long time to decide to tell people and I am sure about it I just am going to feel ill for a while.