Thursday, August 23, 2007

Last night was awful but this helped

Last night was hard, for no really good reason, and for some totally stupid ones. I think that sometimes we all get flooded when we aren't expecting it and when we were doing just fine. Yesterday all day I just felt off. And I wasn't pmsing and nothing major happened. I wasn't able to tell myself truth very well. I was needy. And then I watched a movie: "The Truth About Jane" which I had to shut off three times because I was so overwhelmed and which triggered a quality crying fest.

Finally I deterimined I needed to do some self care. And this morning I had a great conversation on skype with my friend j. I just wanted to capture some of her encouragement since this is for me a collection place as well as something that you folk out there read sometimes. And I wanted to remember that I can totally ask for help and to hear truths about myself.

me: I did self care stuff. I ran, I cried a fair bit with the movie. I drank a beer (probably not self care :)

j: one beer? that can be self care :)
me: I journaled and I have counseling today so that's good
j: and you just went to that church - your two polar worlds are colliding like never before and it sounds like you feel torn
me: I do. (some longer stuff here about holding two polar worlds inside me)

j: (referencing something I felt really dumb about) and you were just wanting so badly to connect with someone. maybe especially someone who understands a part of you so many don't.

me: I was. it's good to hear you say that. I've been trying to say that to myself and it wasn't working as well. And wanting to connect is not bad

j: not at all! So really, you were in a terribly difficult spot and you took care of yourself and did amazingly well!

me: Um. :) grinning. I guess so. thanks.
j: it's sounds like your actions were fabulous - it's just you're doubting yourself cause you know how strong the emotions were...and some of the emotions felt out of control.... and some felt shaming
me: Very true.
(followed by other stuff)

j: you do tell yourself (these truths)... but we all need others to tell us too!


Lynnae said...

I'm so sorry you had a terrible night. I agree with your friend though. You're reaction is healthy. You're faceing 2 worlds that are being torm and re-formed in your life.

just me said...

Thanks... :)