Thursday, May 3, 2007

One more day until...

"y" is officially coming for the weekend. She doesn't live that far away but far enough that she needs to stay over night. And so she's coming Friday night and leaving Sunday after church. Which is a lot of time. I think however it will be just fine. We are still trying to talk about if we are going to just be friends or date or what in the world this is. We discussed what dating is. My definition is based on pretty much nothing but I said it for me it means I'd be open to the possibility of kissing. She said for her it's an exclusive relationship. Which I'm not ready for! Plus I don't think she's over her ex even though it's been almost two years. So for that reason alone I'm not into any exclusive dating thing. But what do I know I've never dated.

O another thing that will be happening this weekend is my first visit to a gay and lesbian bar. Frankly I'm scared of them. However I am going with a bunch of people a few of who I know and who I trust. And I'm not really a drinker at all so I don't anticipate any drunken anything out of me. I can leave at any time. And I can just visit and be there with the group I'm going with. No idea how I will react if someone hit's on me. But "y" will be with too so that will probably curtail that activity. Which is fine even if we are just friends. I just get anxious/shy.

My friend "j" said she wishes she could come with just to see this event, me at such a place. I fear that people want to see such an event because it's the equivalent of taking pollyanna (from that really old movie) out for the first time.

8 comments:

Zuzu said...

You are just too cute. You sound as fearful of gay places as I feel, most of the time, about "straight places." Heh... I personally am not a big bar person - I prefer cafes and coffee houses. Bars are invariably too loud for me (I write as a chain saw peels the air here in my little sleepy town...)

Have a great weekend! I look forward to reading about it!

just me said...

Glad it's a bit cute and not just weird. I too am a bigger fan of coffee shops too since I don't really drink. Maybe I should write a blog post about my fear. I'm not saying I'll get hit on, but if I did I'm kindof puppy like and so easily swayed. I'm a bit afraid someone would say hello and I'd follow them all the way home.

Zuzu said...

You really must learn to trust yourself just a tad bit more! Maybe it has something to do with not listening to deeper parts of yourself about your attraction to women that leaves you not trusting yourself in these situations and thus being fearful of outcomes? You won't follow anyone home.. to the contrary.. even if you really SHOULD follow them home, you'll likely err on the side of caution and question if that was really genuine affection and attention you just saw! You'll still be pondering it when they're long gone.. which is completely okay... don't get me wrong... just saying, you don't need to fear acting too rashly.. heh. (yeah.. I'm gonna transfer it all over)

just me said...

totally true. And I can't in my wildest dreams imagine me actually following anyone home. I just feel puppy like inside. Thanks for the words of wisdom. :)

~Dawn said...

One hint for the bar scene, Stay focused on your friends, don't look around until you feel more comfortable in the atmosphere- otherwise it can be overwhelming.

That was what worked for me.

Anonymous said...

Fear...I think it dominated much of my growing up. I went to church and maintained church friendships because I thought I could trust them not to drink and do drugs and be crazy at parties. I think that's why I went to Christian college too--not because I particularly believed in anything (or at least not in an "examined" kind of way) but becasue college was big and scary, and I thought christian classmates would be safer. I regret that decision. I wish I had gotten out into the world and faced my fears much earlier. It's not all that bad.

Oh, and in recent years I've become quite the frequenter of gay and lesbian bars (mostly gay) and I still won't go in unless I have a friend with me, even if I'm fairly certain that there are people waiting for me inside. I don't know if it's the gay thing or the bar thing (although gay bars are really the ONLY bars I go into) but it's all about fear...still.

j -- freyasings (I can't remember how to attach this name to my posts!)

just me said...

freyasings :) I feel similarly. Oddly enough we didn't really end up in much of a gay/lesbian bar except for one. And it was so overt that we left. (male dancers and a pub full of older males).

Anonymous said...

Another interesting thread to follow at some point...the gay community (at least in bars) really tends to segregate itself. Just on one street in our town I know of bars that cater to "twigs", "bears", divas, leather boys, etc. Very interesting. Do straight bars to this? I've not been in enough to know!
freya