I of course do not want this to be "that kind of blog"... AND yet a first kiss/make out session at age 34 is something I want to make record of. Do stop reading here if you are one of my friends who find this difficult to hear about. All you need to know is that the bottle of wine I was saving for the day I had my first kiss can now be opened. :)
"y" came for the weekend. She is a very beautiful woman. Tall, slender, chocolate black, with fantastic hair and very large lips. She's African. I feel towards her what many people probably feel in beginning dating relationships: Why would she want to be with, kiss me? It feels like the equivalent of someone like Angela Bassett liking me (except "y" is darker, which I dig). I feel this way about both "y" and "e". Both are so beautiful and both feel totally out of my league. Anyway, when I first was IMing "y" I wrote that years ago I heard the quote "The first step towards fighting racism is loving blackness." And I guess this is the second time in my life that has meant literally. ;) And yes it's really about who she is in particular... But I say the quote while chuckling to myself. :) Here's how it happened.
We were at my workplace to look some stuff up online. I've always wanted to kiss someone in my office. But I wasn't brave enough. However when we got back to my house I said "I've always wanted to kiss someone in my office." To which she said "You should have told me I would have." I got really quiet and changed the subject. At this point I felt so grateful I could say who I am and name my inexperience with someone who wouldn't judge me. We talked about how I have never kissed someone. How I've never a lot of things. How I fear judgment about it but how I also still value things about the christian sexual ethic. We joked about going back to the office to follow through on my kissing wish.
I went to the kitchen and when I came back I joined her on the floor where she was sitting against my couch. I grabbed my favorite children's book and read to her while we cuddled. And yes, it turned into a kissing session. Hee hee. Who but me would go from reading a children's book to kissing. Nope I'm not going to give details. Let's just say it was an extended make out session and she taught me some things about kissing. My heart was beating so fast she could hear it and even on the way to dinner about 30 minutes later my heart was still beating as fast. In fact my heart is beating pretty fast just writing this. I think I like kissing. Although some kinds of kissing I... well. Hmmm. I'm just still pondering what I think. At 34 you can do that. You can say I've heard about this all my life and now I've experienced it and this is what I think.
So we are now casually dating. VERY casually because there's a bunch of reasons to go really really slow on this. We are both getting to know other people. I both need and desire to not ever to go from "0-60" with anyone. She has an ex who is messing with her head a bit. Plus, I don't think either of us are head over heals in love here. Since I have never dated at all I kind of want to get to know more than one person before hooking up exclusively with someone. Plus neither of us wants any "U-Haul" action. And she lives in another state.
I think because of all this I would have gone even slower this weekend except for the fact that I wanted to take advantage of this first opportunity to kiss someone. I could get hit by a car tomorrow and what if it was my only chance? I know I'm a bit overly dramatic! But you do get this way when you've not kissed someone ever before and are the age I am. For weeks I've been telling God she better not let me die because if I did and hadn't kissed anyone I was going to be livid!
One other thing of note from the weekend is beyond kissing in private I also experienced my first public displays of affection. We went out to dinner with a friend of hers and that person's boyfriend. "y" held my hand under the table through the entire dinner. It's probably only fair since the other couple were touching under the table as well. Then we went to a lesbian play and she either had her arm around me or was holding my hand throughout it. It was really nice. She said she would have kissed me there but wasn't sure if would have been ok with me so she didn't. We did kiss goodbye at the train station though.
All in all I think this weekend has been one of the most adventurous of my life. Of course this is because I haven't been that adventurous before. But everybody starts somewhere.