This a.m. while reading Scott M. Peck, of whom I have been a fan for years, I thought a lot about what I want and who I am and how I would like to choose to love. And choice is a key word for me I've found.
This is my titration of what's going on in me. I think I still have a disconnect and need to use BOTH/AND statements to string together what feels slightly contradictory.
- I experience myself as not as embodied as I would like to be, which is why I wasn't able to lean further into the intelligence of my body in my recent interactions with "y" and why my head judged instead of letting my heart and body feel and grieve... (epiphany thanks to zuzu).
- AND I also find falling in love, and anything erotically embodied, to be fluid, feeling based, and often temporary verses "loving" which is more will based than body based.
- AND currently growth for me involves taking some embodied risk to date, kiss, feel which is more in the falling in love category...
- AND my body is not the part of me I choose to let decide things. Lots of people who are erotically in love are not loving. The two for me are different. This all reminds me of the book I read in bible college "Love is a feeling to be learned."
- AND love for me is similar to Peck's definition: It is a choice, willing to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.
- AND my first dating experience was about the erotic, falling in love. It was good learning about embodiment and any intelligence there. BUT I am not really sure it was loving.
- AND these are two puzzle pieces I am trying to put together my will/choice for the spiritual and otherwise growth of others and self AND the seemingly sometimes selfishness of erotic embodiment.