So if you've been reading this you know that I am 34 and kissed someone (a girl) for the first time and loved it. From that you can imagine how self disciplined I am and how boundried my relationships have been. Of course a huge part of this has been how I was raised and the type of people (The Evangelical Community) I've been around.
This morning I was drinking coffee, reading Kathleen Norris Amazing Grace and journaling. I read one sentence in her book about the cost of perfectionism and some wire was tripped in me. I felt this overwhelming intensity of emotion. I think it was grief or release. I didn't cry, but I felt like at any moment I might sob in that way where you nearly throw up. Why?
This weekend for the first time I got to touch someone's face and hold their hand and it was welcomed. She wanted me to. This is radical. There is no way I can express how revolutionary this is to me.
I realize people who haven't been as self disciplined as me, or who haven't grown up in this conservative christian culture might find this baffling, but freedom to just hold someone's hand is rocking my world right now.
There are so many boundries I've lived with all my life because of who I was spending time with. I couldn't hold the hand of any of the woman I had a crush on unless we were praying or in church or something. Well I could, but they would have pushed me away (relationally not literally) and I kept choosing to keep relationship over everything else.
This choice to now spend time with women who want me to kiss them or hold their hand is having a huge impact on my view of myself. And I really am just talking little things like being able to reach out and take someone's hand without fear.
It all makes me curious about my cutting and self hate and it's interaction with living all my life thus far where my affection was unwanted and in some cases even repulsive. There is something about having my touch not being seen as repulsive that has caused me to feel like I am less repulsive in general!
The cost of my staying in a straight christian community may have been self hate. Not entirely but in this regard for sure. It's not that all those people aren't amazing and wonderful. It's just that like Zuzu said when I started this journey it was similar to someone who is straight only hanging out with gay people. Or as I also heard recently like looking for flowers at a meat market.