Words of wisdom from zuzu on sexuality etc.

This is one of the emails from zuzu which she sent, what feels like, forever ago. I want to keep it on this blog so it's searchable and because who knows, it might be thought provoking for someone else, besides me, to read. She wrote it after I told her about a dream I had where I was pregnant, but I didn't know if it was a tumor or a baby.

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I hear that you say that you're not terribly comfortable going outside your communities to find answers - on this one, I think you might have to dig down and find some strength to venture out into areas that are less comfortable. I'm not sure there are a great deal of resources within your current communities that can help you explore this issue in healthful, life-affirming ways. Most (not all) conservative Christians don't, as you say, have room in their theology for homosexuality and as such they really can't have a healthy, non-judgmental discussion about sexuality. I really hope, for your own sake, that you're not exploring this on all the premise that being a lesbian is 'wrong.' That's not a non-judgmental approach to exploring one's sexuality - it's pretty dead on judgmental.

Most gays and lesbians who I know who are Christian did leave their church communities for periods of time while they figured out who they were. Some (not all) found a place for themselves in the church once they were able to figure that part of themselves out. Some found new church's that were accepting of gays, lesbians, bi-sexual and transgendered people. Where I live there are gay churches and synagogues - with all gay congregations. Some felt most comfortable in the church, community and denomination of their upbringing and found a way to return to or remain in their church. Because most people in America are raised in the context of some form of religion, battling the demons of religious fundamentalism as they clash with sexuality and sexual expression is something that nearly EVERY gay, lesbian and questioning person has had to do - to some degree or another. Even straight people have to confront that to some degree because of Church mores on sexuality regardless of what that sexuality is.

I think, on some level, that you might be trying to use your head too much to answer a question that is answered by the use of different types of 'intelligence' - the answers on this one comes through the logic of skin, kisses and the heart and terms like "attachment issues" "emotional dependency" and "Christian Community's definition of attraction" have no real place in figuring this out. It's much baser than that. It's much more elemental. It's much simpler - words can merely complicate it. I'm not saying that there aren't things and feelings to talk about - but too much talk can cloud the other senses, the other kinds of intelligences, that God gave us to make our way through this world.

The Kinsey Scale.. Kinsey was a professor who studied sex and sexuality. Some contend his methods were a bit unconventional - and they indeed probably were - but his research, nonetheless, was extensive. He interviewed people across ages, race, geographic (though American) locations, thousands and thousands of people, about their sexual practices and sexuality. I'm sure if the same research were conducted today it would likely yield somewhat different results, as American sexual mores have changed overtime. What Kinsey found was that sexuality fell on a spectrum from ardently gay/lesbian to shades of bisexuality to ardently heterosexual. The fewest number of people where strictly and wholly 100% heterosexual or 100% gay/lesbian. The majority of people were some degree of bisexual, though many/most would define themselves as heterosexual they'd note some same-sex sexual interest/attraction/fantasy, etc. The Kinsey Institute still exists today: http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html

It's not at all uncommon for straight and/or bisexual girls to fall in love with straight girls. Nor is it uncommon for gay boys to fall in love with straight boys. I bet nearly every gay or lesbian person will tell you that there first 'crush' was on so-and-so, a straight boy/girl from high school or college. That's like a broken record story of people 'coming out' to themselves. In those instances, YES, your only option is to 'love them from afar.' But those crushes are forming because people are largely in heterosexual communities and dating pool of people who are 'out' as gay and lesbian is often pretty darn small to non-existent in some communities (and i bet this is particularly true of the church you're in.) After some period of time you can be tortured by unrequited love, you can simply over time turn off your emotions and feelings (not the healthiest of options), or you can start seeking relationships within the gay and lesbian communities.

Think of the tables being turned. Imagine a straight girl hanging out only with gay men. She could say, "I keep developing crushes on these men, maybe it's just attachment issues. I guess my only answer is to love them from afar." She's NOT a straight girl who ONLY falls for gay men. She's a straight girl in an environment where only gay men are available - of course she's going to develop 'unnatural' attractions to them - she's into men - her body, her thoughts, her feelings aren't necessarily going to differentiate between a gay man and a straight man. Indeed, on some level, if she's spent her life around gay men, she might even feel 'more comfortable' around gay men then straight men. There's nothing wrong with her, she's just in the wrong dating pool. Does this make sense? Does this resonate? The really cool thing is that when this straight girl finds herself attracted to a STRAIGHT man who feels toward her what she feels toward him - WOW! Fireworks, magic, the world feels right and good - there is reverence, beauty, respect, love... it's amazing and beautiful.

Most of our first relationships aren't perfect, however - often we're overwhelmed by our feelings and blind to the imperfections of the situation. That's normal for EVERYONE - straight or gay. It often takes 'practice' of being in relationships before we get 'better' at being in them, choosing them, etc.

I really feel for you through this exploration. I think it's just so.... well... crappy how the church is on these issues. I have absolutely no respect for church's who condemn people based on sexual orientation - it's hate-mongering. The hundreds of stories of women in your shoes, already struggling with the difficulty of figuring this out for themselves, and then the added dimension of a church and community filled with hate and judgment - who rejects and condemns people on the basis of who God made them. It's so un-Christian, I think, not to recognize the perfection. That's my perspective.. that's how I feel about it. despite those feelings and that perspective, however, you should be aware of all your resources and all your options. If you decide that you are lesbian and you choose to decide that that's wrong and you want to 'change' it - there are things like Exodus International - an evangelical anti-gay organization which essentially tries to brainwash gay and lesbian people into believing that they aren't gay or lesbian and has a program to help you "embrace" heterosexuality. I can't hide how hateful I think this is - as damaging as bleaching a black person's skin white and telling them to 'embrace' the dominant culture and that being black is 'wrong' - but it's there and it's an option. I think it hurts people more than it helps people, represses who you are as opposed to live who you are to the glory of God. But it remains an option and certainly it's the kind of programs offered in evangelical contexts. http://www.exodus-international.org/

There are thousands and thousands of women who love women and they are not hiding in shameful places - they are expressing themselves, their values, their joy and their love in the world in remarkable ways.

If you want to get an idea of the diversity of lesbians in your area, go to www.thepinksofa.com (an online dating service for lesbians), sign up for the free trial membership and just take a look at the women posting.

My point here is about presuming that you don't have many people showing you the postive and beautiful aspects of the gay and lesbian communities. When you ask if it's a tumor or a baby (related to a dream I had) - if your whole life everyone tell you that babies are ugly, shameful and disgusting, it's hard, maybe at first, to see them as beautiful, God's creation, dynamic, diverse, enchanting. It's important that you see the community of women who love women as beautiful, dynamic, nurturing, loving, life-affirming, inspiring, deep, rich and diverse. When you see and embrace the beauty in the community, you are more able to make decisions about who you are when unencumbered by these erroneous notions of shame that the church can lay on it. When every option is beautiful, in that context, which is the one that you choose?

Don't get me wrong. Not everyone is the lesbian community is "nice" - not everyone will be your cup of tea... but that's the same in any community. You'll find a lot of people in the 'straight community' that you don't care too much for too. People are people - overtime, most people's sexuality becomes secondary and not a primary aspect of their identity... though when you're figuring it out it may move forward in your mind and body and life.. later, over time, it's just "part" of who you are - not some big defining thing about you. Very simply -I don't love my mom because she's straight. She's my mom. Part of who she is is a heterosexual, but I don't think about her sexuality too much. Mostly she's just my mom. Done. I don't love a friend because she's lesbian, I love her because she's her - she's my friend, who happens to be a lesbian and that's just one more thing about her, like her hair color or nose, that makes her her.