Wednesday, March 7, 2007

My anxious day

This morning I could make up a pretend pscyhological diagnosis for myself of email-social anxiety disorder. :) I feel this anxiety that is not synced up with reality when I email someone and when I wait forever for them to email back, and wondering if I said the wrong thing, etc.

I hate that I'm a novice. I get that everyone has to start somewhere, but I really really feel quite awful. Four or five day wait between emails makes me think they aren't interested in emailing or me. Although I keep being told some people want to go slower and they are not always around email like I am. I feel anxious that people aren't going to like me because of my faith or my inexperience, or because I email too fast or because I say the wrong thing. I think one person stopped emailing because she didn't like the movies I do. How lame. And I feel anxious that I told someone everything I was wearing. They asked. And I don't know how to titrate (I love that word) how much to share. Since I tend to be able to tell everything to people pretty quickly. And I get that's not so safe, at least emotionally. And since I'm spewing random anxieties, I hate withholding and being cryptic. Not that I really am but there is some early crypticness in the mix.

This will pass I'm sure. I get the big picture. But today I am anxious and it's probably for no reason. Two people emailed me this morning. They both seem nice and neither is long distance.

1 comment:

Zuzu said...

I think it's true that some people aren't going to like you because of your faith, you inexperience, something about you (like your taste in movies), etc. Just hold on to the notion that that's okay and in some strange way they're doing you a favor by not emailing you back because if the don't like you for those things, t wouldn't work out for you anyways. think it's fine if you reveal alot about yourself - ultimately you want to meet people who like (and eventually love) you for who you are. The best you can do, thus, is to authentically be yourself to the degree you're able to get comfortable and settle into who that is today - EVEN when who that is today is a little nervous and lacking a little self confidence. You are wonderful - just take this bit of love I'm sending you today and place it where ever you need to in your life, to heal whatever you feel needs to be healed today. - Zu