I am part of this group, a small group of people. We meet every other week and discuss some topic we are trying to integrate with our faith. Last night I started the conversation. I said lately I've been trying to determine how to see scripture. We look at some things like women should not speak in the church and we say, "That's contextual and so it doesn't apply to today." So how do you determine what you can see in context and how do you read it. Basically, what lenses do you read scripture through.
This led to a fairly animated discussion. Eventually we started discussing how to determine what is right and wrong. Christians use scripture to determine right and wrong, but even amongst christians there is a great deal of variance.
We discussed how things like murder and molestation are obviously wrong. They do harm. They hurt people. But the discussion mostly centered on how we talk about things where the church has a variance of opinions like homosexuality or where sometimes it may be right, like divorce when someone is being abused. etc.
For me this was a hard conversation. Two of the people there said outright, they think homosexuality is wrong. From what they've read in scripture and what they know thus far. I did appreciate they said "they could be wrong". They have no clue about me. And at one point in the conversation I said, "What if your cousin (who is gay) was here now" or "What if someone here was gay". The guy who was talking said he would be more sensitive. That although he thinks it's wrong, it would take a lot to get him to talk about it.
There is something about this evening that I need to process more, perhaps in future posts. I think most of my current wrestling based on fear that my world feels like it's changing a bit. And the clear cut lines of right and wrong AND how I read scripture AND my lenses and ways of understanding are changing. And frankly that feels a little scary. In a fearful world having clear lines of morality sometimes can feel soothing. I've always though it is not a sin or wrong to be gay. But I usually thought that about other people. When it comes to me I hoped if really I was gay that I could be healed. Talk about splitting! I also kept thinking if I didn't think about it, talk about it, address sexuality at all it would go away.
I do think there has got to be some sort of wrong somewhere. And there are things that I hope heal in people no matter how they are attracted to people. But where does it start and end? And and and and and .... frick.
A friend just loaned me a book of hers that contains bi-sexual stories of faith and coming out. The majority of the people in the story left christianity. I think I don't even want to see me or get to know me in the area of sexuality because of these stories. These people change so much. Even that book I read "Oranges aren't the only fruit" ... the woman who told it left her faith.
I'm going to stop here. I am overwhelmed, by last night, by these books, and by me.
3 comments:
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Nextly, I think this and your last post have such brilliant synergy. For what you fear in this one is resolved in the previous. You have choice. I think the wounded parts in each of us heal - we bend toward healing. I don't think being gay, however, is something that needs to be healed, though I'm certain years of suppressing stuff leaves deep wounds... but even if this is the case, they are YOUR wounds, part of what makes you uniquely you, and what is it that they say.. the blessing lies next to the wound?
You can decide that you're gay and not leave the church or leave your faith. If what you fear is that examining your sexuality and potentially discovering that you are gay leads you the conclusion that you must abandon your faith - don't be afraid. I do NOT think that I am wrong in concluding that if YOU came to a conclusion that your faith no longer made sense to you, didn't fit, needed to be left behind, YOU wouldn't be afraid. I can't even imagine you getting from point A (here/now) to that particular point N (a place where you decide to turn away from the church/faith, etc.) If it were to happen, however, knowing how thoughtful and methodical you are about CHOICES, I think if you ever arrived there (which I just can't see happening, honestly), you'd be okay with it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid. You don't have to link your sexuality with your faith - if others suggest that you do, that is THEIR choice, it doesn't have to be yours.
-Zu
I agree with Zuzu on it not being and either/or situation. I would add, that something I sense here, wonder I should say is this: is the fear of being gay more a fear of not belonging to a community that you already have an identity in. Do you fear not having community at the involved levels and intensity that you participate in now? It seems to me, and I know very little really, that being gay is pretty much the thing that you perceive will get you "thrown out" of your church, and thus, your community.
Just wondering.
-Indigo
Thank you both for your comments. I hear you and am pondering. . .
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