Choice

I've got a little bit of a cold so this post will be short. And I hope it makes a little bit of sense.

I've been thinking about choice. I just realized I have one! I know this is an obvious fact for most people but I forget I have a choice in life. I think in some ways I was raised to think I don't have one. There's always a "right way" in the church. And I seem to have the type of personality that always wants to know "what's right". So I spend so much time trying to figure out "what's right" than I never live. And "what's right" has trumped choice in my life. A person doesn't need to choose when she figures out what's right because the answer for what's right is always the choice. Living this way has cause me to not need to choose.

But I just realized I want to choose.

I had lunch with a friend the other day, one of the very few people in this town who knows me and knows a bit about what I'm blogging here. She reminded me I still get to choose. Whatever I learn about myself, what ever various groups of people say is right... I can still choose. I am sure it will sound crazy that this stunned me to realize, but it did.

So I am not powerless in the face of my identity, sexuality, or even in the face of hearing about various different ideas of what is "right". It is good to know who I am. Know more about sexuality. Know what I want. And know that in the end I really am choosing even if it is a choice just to see my own self.

There was something about realizing that which shifted something inside of me enough to think hmm. Maybe I can "let" myself see who I am. That and some comments here on this blog have helped.