The undead dead people among us

What happened to a particular woman I work with? I do not want to become like her. She is dead, yet somehow fully functioning. She's worked at the same job most of her life. She has never married and is a bit socially awkward.

Last night "b" and I theorized over a flight of wine that perhaps she's gay and buried her sexuality in a deep deep grave because of the church, this small community, and fear. I get how that can happen. I know that fear. And I would not be surprised if this was the truth of her situation.

And all this made me think about the connection between sexuality and holding back from life. Some celibate Christians tend to take their passion and aliveness to the grave with their celibacy. Is there a connection between sexuality and general passion for life? I assume that sexuality doesn't mean having sex (although that is often a huge part of it). And if it is true that sexuality is connected to being alive and passionate. . . Can one be passionate and a sexual being (alive) without having sex?

The "church" doesn't tell you that you might lose your passion when you stay a virgin all your life. And I am sure that there are passionate people of faith that have found ways around this. Maybe seeing God as lover? Maybe by seeing and knowing their sexuality and funneling it into service and art instead of sex.

How does it happen that people become undead dead people? If you grew up in a church (especially an evangelical one) you are told, especially if you are a woman, how bad sex is outside of marriage. And since people don't talk about how good sex is inside of marriage (or in general) because they don't want to encourage "the youth" you start to think that sex is bad in any context.

There are two things that happen at this point. Either you don't get married and become (for the most part) an undead dead person lacking passion and a sexuality. Or you get married. Yes there are undead dead married people but it's much rarer. Now some people make the transition fine. . .even earlier than marriage to understanding sex holistically (which is a whole different topic). But what I am angry about is that after being told sex is bad for so long then you are supposed to turn it on, with out guilt etc., all of the sudden. It's like sexual and emotional whiplash. Which is also probably how I would experience sleeping around.

So what's the sweet spot of sexual health here? The way to be alive AND not get whiplash (in my case). The middle area on the continuum.

And can a person keep all of themselves. . . have a sexuality like they have a personality/ physicality no matter their decision about having sex? How do I not become this co-worker? Just having sex is not the option. Sex isn't life. Whatever I decide there has got to be a safe and slowly titrated way of being passionate, alive, and acknowledging I have a sexuality.