Here are two things I've heard recently that seem to add fuel to the case that sexuality can die and when it does a person is not as healthy. (see yesterday's post)
Tonight a friend of mine was telling this story. She was at a meeting for Bread for the world interns. The president who started it was giving them advice. As you might guess non-profit work is hard and so they asked him how he keeps going without burning out. And he said something along the lines of... "I pray and that helps, but I'm not always very good at it, but I try. And I have a very active sex life." (yes, he's married for those of you who want to know that.)
Makes me go hmmmm. Sex helps you so you don't burn out?
And then recently I also heard about a couple of sex therapists in California. Their form of sex therapy is not the typical sex therapy (eg. Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D) where you get help with your sex life, but it is instead, sex as therapy, or at least some physicality as therapy. (Sorry I can't figure out where I heard it! I do like to quote my sources).
From what I could tell it seemed based on the idea that you can be blocked sexually and that impacts all the rest of your life. (Like my co-worker who doesn't have a sexuality. . . Is she blocked? If she had sex would she become unblocked). A guy who was socially awkward and had panic attacks etc. went to see one of these therapists. She said to him, "All you want is to hold a woman." So she got into bed with him and let him hold her. And he got better.
Frankly, there's something that feels unsafe about this, but it also makes sense. And I'm not sure if it's' true but as I am trying to figure out what to do with sexuality and learn what is safe, what is full of integrity, and what does God want for me . . . I find illustrations like this useful. I get how sex could heal. There does seem to be some sort of healing and spiritual property in sexuality. I also get how sex is dangerous.
Ultimately what I get from this is that I don't want my sexuality to die. And I'm back to the question can I be sexual and not have sex? Can I be alive and passionate and celibate? Do I even want that? Do I even agree that I either have to be married or stay celibate? In part yes. . . and yet. . . if I am gay this means my only option is celibacy if I walk in the tradition of my church. That could make me an undead dead person like my co-worker. I don't see any evidence biblical or otherwise that being an undead dead person is God's desire for me either.
There's something in the midst of these questions and my thinking about scripture, spirituality, and faith where I hope to titrate out a solution, even if it takes me one drop at a time!
6 comments:
I think there are many archaic notions in the bible, that served people at the time the bible was written. With no ability to prevent either sexualy transmitted diseases (STDs) or pregnancy, it behoved people, women in particular, who were second class citizens, little more than chattle, to be celibate. A single mom with a kid in whatever-BC likely had a rough go of it. Women were more apt to be child-brides then too, however - married at 13, 14, 15... so being celibate until marriage also meant something very different when that book was written. At what point does one question the reason(s), the logic behind some of these notions... and sex is a great one to start with. I just don't understand why God would care if you touched someone tenderly, kissed someone you feel love for, held someone truthfully and shared an orgasm or thirty... I just don't understand why God would... well... why any God would give a fuck (heh.) I can understand not transgressing someone else's relationship (don't sleep with a married woman or man.) But among consenting adults - I don't really understand how it has anything to do with God or faith... I think that there's a pretty wide berth between sleeping around and consenual sex between consenting adults. Can you explain to me why a God would want me to be celibate?
-Zuzu
libate. I have no issues or judgment towards others who aren't AND I do get that scripture has archaic notions and needs to be seen in context.
This is me and my attempt at working out the things I've been told all my life. Or it's probably me trying to talk to the imaginary evangelical christians in my head.
One of the things that birthed this is also that a couple friends of mine have said because I am so inexperienced etc. that they worry about me.
And I have been thinking about an author named Henry Nouwen who was a monk and I think may have been gay. To be a monk he choose to be celibate. Yet he doesn't strike me as dead like my co-worker. It just makes me wonder.
Nope although sometimes I think it would be easier (avoidance) to just go become a nun I won't. And this is not where I might land it's just a reflection place on the journey.
You also said "I don't really understand how it has anything to do with God or faith..."
I just realized I've never looked up where it says in the bible someone shouldn't have sex before marriage. It must because christian's talk about it so much. I had to watch this whole video series during church youth group called "Why Wait" about how bad it was to have sex before marriage. After having stuff drilled into me it takes a long time to figure out what I actually think apart from that.
Okay... but I still don't understand why a God would want you (or me, or anyone) to be celibate. I don't worry about you. I think you're doing great in this world. I just don't understand... why is sex "bad," blanketly, outside of marriage?
the reason you can't find biblical evidence is because it doesn't exist. it has been interpreted based on verses about sexual immorality. similarly to homosexuality.
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