The thing I have been thinking about most lately is integrity while in the midst of this journey towards knowing myself better.
Integrity is
1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY
I do not want to "throw the baby out with the bath water" so to speak. Just because I am trying to answer the question "what is" for me. Which means I am not ready to go 'sleep around' to find out even though I agree with my cousin that the body has an intelligence that could help me in this journey.
I also want to hold BOTH my faith, and desire to no do harm, and scripture WITH my experience of what feels like mad intense crushes (recently on one particular friend) AND my growing understanding of who I am. There are many people in the "Church" who think anyone who is gay needs to be healed. I am not ready to say they are wrong because sometimes I would like to be healed. AND counseling causes me to wonder about the relationship of emotional dependence and attachment to attraction. Sometimes I think these are just christian euphanisms for being gay or for people who are trying to heal something that doesn't need to be healed. Although no matter what relationship I was in (with a guy or girl) I (and I think most people) would need to work out feelings of attachment, attraction, and level of emotional intimacy. Where is the line between attachment and attraction? Between health and unhealth? . . .
Right now the only way I can hold this tension is to not sleep around AND explore me. To not judge myself or others. Above all, I want to explore what it means to figure this out in a way that is honest, doesn't harm anyone including myself, and holds it all as one piece instead of splitting faith from the rest of me.
2 comments:
I can say this: the body does indeed have an intelligence that should be listened to. I hemmed and hawed when I was coming to a place of knowing for sure that I am/was attracted to other women.
For years I had "crushes" on my straight friends, mostly because for my age (high school) at the time, I was mostly around heteros. Of course there is conflict in having crushes on straight folks, as there is no reciprocation, and that is ultimately what we want, and need.
I knew the instant I was kissing a woman for the first time that it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
My advice is, find some gay people, find some other women who you are certain are lesbians or actively bisexual. If you have to, travel out of your immediate area. Kissing another woman isn't the same as sleeping around, and it'd be a rather easy way to find out if you are gay.
Kiss someone. Soon. You'll end a heck of a lot torture.
AND, *nobody* is perfect in relationship or emotional maturity automatically. Don't expect so much from yourself. Even heteros and gays who have long term relationships or who have dated quite a bit have a thing or two to learn about intimacy.
Could it be this 'attachment' disorder thing is really just about a person who deserves affection and sensual fulfillment and is attempting to step into the manifestation of this fulfillment?
Good for you for being open to yourself in your exploration.
Thank you for commenting. I guess that's why I have a blog. To hear what others say. To see a bigger picture than my world here. To find out what types of things I don't hear in my environment here. . .
I am also aware while blogging how I'm all about thinking and figuring things out and not so good at living life, action....
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