Am I gay?

I am going to start posting a variety of things under the tag “am I gay” [i changed it because the question is changing in me] in an effort to think about the question in a place where I can have conversations but where no one knows me. And since it's in writing where I'm more in control.

The context you need to know is that I am thinking through all this as a christian and I don't know if I think someone can be healed or not. I am pretty sure there is something biological but I also think that in my life that maybe there is something to having attachment issues or feeling emotionally dependant. I don't know how to figure all this out because the discussion in the christian community is so polarized. And I don't know what the difference is between being gay and things like attachment issues.

If you are reading there are a variety of questions you might ask. Particularly if you didn’t grow up in a Christian church.

Why don’t you know already?
There are a variety of reasons for this. Let me list some of them for you.

1. I haven’t dated.
2. I haven’t had sex or kissed anyone.
3. I am inhibited…maybe because of my faith and maybe because of my personality.
4. I was been told my strong intensity in my friendships with other Christian women is emotional dependency, attachment issues, co-dependency… and I believed it for a long time.
   
5. I’ve only been friends with and therefore only felt longings for very straight, celibate, Christian women.
6. I barely talk about it or have opportunity to ask questions because I will be shamed, I could lose my job at a church. Etc.
7. This year of my life is the first time I admitted out loud to the fact that maybe my intensity is a crush instead of . . .
8. I was raised in an evangelical Christian home. And I am a Christian. For all of my growing up I didn’t even know there was such a thing as homosexuality and it was so far out there and so much a sin that I never thought of it. It was something broken or sinful people were. (I don't agree but that's what I used to think).
   

Why do I think I’m gay AND Why do I not think I’m gay.
If you are reading this you can feel free to ask questions or comment.

Why do I think I’m gay

• For as long as I remember there’s always been one woman (usually just one at a time) who I think about all the time. I generally can’t get enough of her. I want to be with her all the time. Generally we have to have some conversation about how much I want to be hugged.
• I’ve only once felt turned on by a guy in any way that even close to matches how strongly my attention and longings feel towards women.
• Twice this year two different women caused me to feel like I was about to swoon just by being in the room with them. I can’t stop looking at them. I want to know them. I feel physically “on” when thinking of them.

More later. . .