Monday, October 20, 2008

Thoughts on love and committment

My thoughts this morning have to do with a blog post. A blogger I read from Singapore, Anj, compared these two quotes in her post re-visiting the crush effect:
1) "As long as romantic love exists, remain in the relationship, why stay in a relationship out of obligation to your word?" [Obligation to your word is like "I said i love you forever and so i have to love you forever".] However, this stand can be dangerous [for relationship longevity] if you identify love as the insanely smitten state. "I need to feel in love!" Folks who need to feel "in love" might find their "love" hopping from person to person [assuming that people of their criteria are not hard to come by] and may wonder why "love" doesn't last.

2) Yesterday, Kai told me the principle her father lives by: "When you get married, it's a commitment. It doesn't mean that you will never meet someone else that tugs at your heart strings. But these are transient; the commitment remains.
I wrote this on her blog and have expanded it a bit here...

"I also agree with Kai's father. I also have always believed that love is a feeling to be learned. Or in other words love is like an education. You have a crush in the beginning, but that feeling changes and matures as you and your partner grow and learn about each other. The work we do in relationship to "be/act loving" impacts our feelings, just as our commitment does.

For me love has never been the same as a crush or being "in-love". A crush is fun start to things, but it tends to only last from 6 months to 2 years. Love is a much more mature, adult, and commitment type feeling (if commitment can be a feeling).

Now I believe this because I was taught it in a book called "Love is a feeling to be learned". However, I also think it because I have observed this growing and educational "work" in couples I know who have stayed in "love" and been married for twenty to sixty years. And these couples are not all evangelical christians who stay together because of the shame of divorce or shoulds. They include couples who do not even have a faith background and gay couples as well.

I am pretty lucky to know a lot of people who have stayed married a long time and I think it's because of this that I have confidence about what I am doing here. What I know to be true is that Lo and I are committing to the growth, learning and work of love. We are not just saying "Hey I think you are hot would you marry me?" Although she is hot. :)

P.S. The picture is from the pumpkin carving date we had last night. Who knew you could have so much fun carving pumpkins while talking on the phone? Her pumkin was a peace sign. :) We just want to birth peace and love into the world. (so cheesy!)

1 comment:

~Dawn said...

To me love is discipline, work and a desire to hold onto the flame that was there when you first met them.

Unless you have an arranged marriage, the passion is the igniter and it is up to us to keep the flame going