the last few days

In the last five days I met the intelligence of my own body in passing a couple times while she was screaming past. What I mean is, although she was wearing bright colors I only saw her out of the corner of my eye. Funny how I lived with somebody my whole life yet I don't really know her. I'm embodied, it seems, in a manner more bold, brash, and confident than I am. I have yet to figure out what type of relationship this-this has with my mind and my heart. There are so many parts of me. I knew this intellectually before, but feel these parts of me rustling around in me all the more now.

I have absolutely nothing to compare this "this" to. And yet 'the other' compares this "this", non-stop. I only know this moment. I am only here. Stunned that I am unfettered, stunned that I had been at rest, and watching myself almost the soon comparer. I don't ever want to be the comparer. Do I have to become the comparer?

Earlier I wrote "I have finally found out I am worth two dates, and five days, worth of a this-ness. Good God I hope there's more." And I say to myself, "that's ridicules!" Dates and days and length of relationship do not, I repeat DO NOT, ever determine anyone's worth.

p.s. While gone my days included lovely hiking, the purchase of cute new shoes, great food, good conversation, warm beautiful weather, an interesting church service, too little sleep, and one of my favorite Easter's ever. It was an amazing life altering vacation.

p.p.s. The couple next to me in this wine serving bookstore just had a conversation about the girl giving the guy a haircut right here in the bookstore. And I remembered how I saw that guy cut his hair recently in a public establishment. She said "no". What's up with the hair cutting conversations in public establishments?