Wednesday, November 7, 2007

What am I centered on?

First of all if you all didn't read zuzu's comment on the post "documentaries I recommend" do it. Really good stuff!

So tonight an appointment I had was canceled and it was a gift because I had time to work out, which I didn't think I was going to have time to do. I always find I think better, more clearly when I exercise. Anyway one of the things I started thinking about was a conversation I had with my friend L on the question "What am I centered on?"

Last year in a fit of frustration and stuckness I made a goal of wanting to kiss someone by my 34th birthday. I also started coming out. Part of this was because I thought if I die tomorrow and hadn't ever kissed someone I would be pretty mad. I felt (at the time) I was 'less than' (which wasn't true). I also thought I was tired of hiding myself. My emotional life sometimes came out sideways, instead of directly, when I wasn't admitting who I was.

So we were talking about this and it led into a conversation on the question "What am I centering myself on?" The things I was saying caused her to say the following.

For years I've heard friends of mine bemoan not having a man or not being in a relationship. Now this wasn't exactly what I was talking about but the analogy works. I would always think: You don't need a man. A man doesn't make you special or good. A man doesn't complete you! Seriously, people! No matter the man, he is not your center. So it caused me to pause a long time when she used this as an analogy. I realized perhaps I am unaware of where I am centering myself.

So I've been thinking: Am I centering myself these days on what I have or haven't done? On what I don't have? On a part of me that isn't center? Is it possible to not get myopic about my coming out process? Are there things I can do so I don't let one part of my identity hijack my entire identity?

Ultimately for me things like God and love and gratefulness are center. Tonight I longed to center on these things.

p.s. if you use google reader I'm changing some of my tags so old posts may show up as new. (they aren't new... they are just newly tagged. :)

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