Who cares

Last night I dreamed of kissing a girl while all my family was sitting in a circle all around me. I totally did not care anymore. I kissed her anyway. They didn't even flinch. My grandmother was even there looking at me and she was happy. Happier than I really have ever seen her in life. She wasn't normally a happy woman (zuzu not our grandma my other one). And then I dreamed I saw an old crush of mine (girl) kissing a girl she had had a crush on for a while. I was happy for her although in real life who knows if she is gay. I was on a bus trip. Suddenly she disappeared but she had told everyone on the bus about me. So they ostracized me, were mean, and said "stay away from her she's gay". It was really similar to an awful painful story "e" told me. And again in the dream I didn't really care. I thought it was mean, but whatever. And when I woke up I remembered both dreams and found it interesting that I would have two dreams both where I didn't care what the people thought. It's very unlike me not to care.

In real life sometimes I don't care either. I keep outing myself and most of my core friends now know. Many of them have really surprised me with how amazingly they have responded. This week I told someone from my church. This person "a" called me to ask me to be on the church leadership team. I circled the subject trying to avoid why I didn't want to. Talked about how I set up chairs and so I already volunteer. How I'm busy. Which is true. But it just felt wrong. Finally I just thought "O the hell with it." And I said "Would they let someone be on the leadership team who was gay?" She was silent for a second. I grinned at her silence because she didn't know about me and it totally took her off guard. She said she'll ask about it (with out outing me). Then she spent time affirming me. Her care and warmth and total acceptance stunned me. And I realized that sometimes allowing people to show you how great they are is a wonderful thing.

Once again I am reminded of that quote "Find the good and praise it." - Alex Haley. I think sometimes, maybe, I've been a bit too hard on my fellow evangelical church folk. This combined with a very wonderful affirming lunch with my friend lb today makes me feel all warm and fussy towards some of my straight, married, evangelical friends.