titration

Same threats, same anger, different men

2011-06-17T04:06:00.000-07:00

Lo and I are sitting on the porch outside drinking coffee, eating breakfast, and reading. She is reading "possum living" which is about how a girl and her dad lived without working. I would like to try that, but I do not want to raise rabbits to eat in the cellar like she did. Lo has been reading exherpts out of it and they are funny. She dropped out of school in seventh grade so she could learn useful things like how to make moonshine. The girl wrote the book when she was 17. What makes it most interesting to me is she ended up becoming an aerospace engineer. I am reading a Madaline L'Engle book that at the point is a bit depressing so I thought I would put it down for a bit.

Anyway the reason I wanted to get on here is because I had these two experiences yesterday which I wanted to think about. Plus I haven't blogged in a while and it was a great coping mechanism.

Yesterday I spent time with two dads. They are very similar in many ways. They both are very angry, they both make threats, they both could probably take your head off literally. They both know how to use a weapon and even though they mostly just make threats about beating the crap out of someone or going to hunt them down I know they are not always empty threats. One bragged back in the day he could lay his four grand on the kitchen counter even when his house was full of people and no one would touch it because they knew what would happen if they did.

What struck me is that because of his kids one of these men turned his life around without rehab or an AA group. Mostly he did it because of the support of his best friend and the love of his kids.

Most of the families I work with have generations of horrific parenting. For example, when siblings would be fighting over a toy the parenting solution was to lock one door and papaw would stand at the other, put the toy on the couch and make the kids fight it out until they were bloody and whoever won got the toy. Another would be punished with jumper cables. And another was whipped and thrown out in the snow without shoes to learn his lesson. Much different than I was raised for sure. Stories like these from the parents are the norm.

The difference is in how they tell their stories. One focusing on how bad other people are and how they are going to get revenge. The other able to talk about how even when no one else knew they were doing drugs their daughter knew and the thought of that caused them to get off drugs.

What was most interesting to me is how I felt when with these two dads. The second one I sat with for a long time listening to his story. He actually knew his story. He has turned his life around for his kids and I felt that soft hushed feeling inside of me while I listened, which I usually only hear when there is a miracle. It is a miracle he was able to transform. The first one was still in fighting mode and claimed everything was everyone else's fault. He also didn't have a coherent story about his life. What this made me think about was how can have the same threats, the same anger, but in the end what made the two men different is three things: one had a best friend walking the same road, he is funneling his anger and even aggression to keep temptation and drugs out of the house and protect his kids, and somehow he was able to look at his story and write a different ending. Or at least that's what it looks like today.

Someone is throwing these people in up-river!

2010-04-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

When I was in graduate school we would talk about how as helping professionals after you (metaphorically) pull people out of the river enough times you start wondering what or who is throwing them in up-stream. This is an analogy that is becoming very vivid in my work these days. I see so many people in this area with similar diagnosis. I keep wondering what is it that gives them these common diagnosis's.

I can't for sure say that there is more sexual abuse and violence here than other parts of the country of course, but there is a lot of it. I knew this would be the case due to the poverty and powerlessness of many in this rural mountainous area. I knew that hurt people hurt people but I am now seeing up close families with three or four generations of sexual abuse, trauma, violence, anger issues.

I work with clients who are from age 4 to 18 years old. Some days I sit in front of a client while he describes blacking out when angry and realizing later he has beat someone's head in, or a client who talks about how she has coped with her multiple rapes from family and non-family with addictions and violence and I think -- How is this person going to find healing? Because their parents and their grandparents and probably their great grandparents had similar issues. Plus there is a culture that you don't talk about these things, even though that is the very thing that needs to happen.

What is throwing these people in up-river? How is it possible that humans can hurt children this bad? Children are innocent. It's all so overwhelming.

Not to wax spiritual or anything but I do sense something evil sometimes has been invited into some of these families. And I know for sure that no amount of training is going to prepare me to ever fix any family. I can give them some tools and copings skills. But, like they say: "No one ever changes, a counselors job is just to help people accept who they are and be the best 'them' they can be." Of course that means seeing oneself and one's family fully including all the pain and gunk and goriness. And that.... that is not easy.

Update... One year later!

2010-04-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

So pretty soon it will be one year since I last blogged. What a insanely crazy year. I have experienced more change in the last year than in all my live cumulatively before this year.

In the last year I quit my job for a church denomination, married my girlfriend, got a new job, moved across the country to a new state, and switched career's entirely.

And right now the only thing I regret sometimes is my career choice. If you ever think of going into the field of mental health re-think it. I knew it would be hard but it has been 1,000 times harder than I ever thought to get liscensed. If you want to someday be a therapist you have to first go through the hell of getting liscensed and while provisional you can only serve people who are struggling the most. This means you work with the hardest cases. Getting liscensed in North Carolina is so hard I feel like crying often. Today all things changed for me, I was doing therapy and now I am back to doing Q work because I am missing one single class.

So the self care I did after such a bad day.... I reminded myself at least I still have a job, I reminded myself that those liscensure people have a hard job. I went for a walk and it was so pretty out. I got love from my wife. I went out to eat and drank so much I felt tipsy. My wife force me not to think about it. I know it should be this big of deal but being demoted even if it's just for one month sucks. So I should be provisionally liscensed again in about 3 months. Ug. this stuff takes forever!

On the upside my home live is amazing and I feel so loved and supported every day! Plus we are building a house right now and that's fun.

Edification

2009-04-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I feel so accepted and edified by some key people in my life right now. A pastor and professor in my denomination just called to tell me they would love to come to my reception. They were so pleased to receive my invitation and so edifying of my worth and my journey.

And then I had the opportunity to tell some of my story to someone today over lunch. That's a pretty rare occurrence. And in the midst of it they said maybe someday I will come back and tell my story in this denomination of mine. I think that is more than I hope for right now. I am in many ways cutting ties to this church of my birth. But it felt really sweet that someone thought that could ever happen.

Poem: One square of soil

2009-04-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

There is only one square of soil left.

It's not big enough for my roots.

Are my life's compost, worms, nutrients transportable?

Am I?

Whatev'!

I sprawl in the dirt.

Wholy messy, arms full of it, trying to take it with me

It's too much.

It tumbles down the front of me.

Then the sky cracks and goes dark

I stand suddenly wet, head back, mouth open

arms outstretched, choking, sobbing

I am undone

It is only this act that will heal.

I choose one type of love over another.

I choose one land over another.

I choose to go where I will be planted and tilled.

And where I can plant and till what is sustaining and real.

Good bye Chicago.

Today's class on sexual ethics...interesting!

2009-02-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

Today's ethics class was very interesting so I typed out what I learned in case anyone wants to read it.

We started with a historical perspective because sexual ethics and morality actually comes out of history and our human desire to keep existing.

So in 1860 kids died a ton. Because of this society's goal was to continue humanity. On average if two people got married they had to have 6.5 kids to replace themselves. Infant death was the norm and child birth was also so dangerous that probably the most years you would be married was 14 years due to women dieing in childbirth or men dying due to heavy labor. Because of this sexual ethics was entirely created around having babies. It was called the "procreative ideal". The procreative ideal became a norm (which means, this is the way it has to because God says so) because of St. Augustine. Boo Boo St. Augustine!

The procreative idea/norm is this. Having babies is the only goal of sex and marriage. Therefore - Sex has to be: free, with another person, who is human, of the opposite gender, within marriage (to raise the kid) with your spouse - (so it knows who it's folks are), in a complete act (because other wise a baby wouldn't be made), that is open to procreation (no contraception). IN fact St Augustine went so far as to say that if you have sex and your motivation is not to have a baby, it's sin.

Now jump forward to the next century. In 1960 things were very different! 75 years ago a dude named Alexander Fleming figured out antibiotics, and therefore now kids don't die as much. So now days if you want to replace yourself on the earth and let humanity keep going, you only have to have 2 kids. AND people stay married (if they stay married until death) an average of 45 years.

What shocked me was that NEVER and I mean never in human history did people stay married more than 14 years before this era because they died sooner. So we actually have never known what it is like for people to stay married and average of 45 plus years. This is interesting because people still keep the "stay married forever" mantra in the church (which I do think is good) but they say this out of an 1800's ethic without realizing that being married 14 years with kids the whole time is a bit different than 45 years sometimes without kids.

So basically now all of Christendom has been trying to figure out what in the world to do with sexual ethics. In the last re-writing of cannon law by the catholic church they changed the definition of marriage. This I didn't know. They changed it away from this 1800's procreation ideal/norm to "the union of two whole selves." And they use this for deciding when a marriage can be annulled as well. eg., It used to be if you didn't have kids or sex your marriage could be annulled. But now if you aren't whole or able to commit due to drugs or mental illness etc. you can have your marriage annulled. So even the catholic church is changing their entire sexual ethic.

We discussed today two major players in a new sexual ethic. I think they are both Catholics. A dude named Richard Wesley and a woman named Margret Farley. They are part of a bunch of ethicists trying to write an ethic for christians for how do we decide what is good or bad sex/relationship/marriage in today's society where people are marriage for 45-60+ years and don't need to have 6.5 kids etc.

This is a bit of what they say. Wesley's ethics is all based on what is honest/true and what is communion. In the old days 1860's they said humans were animals with reasoning. Now we say (christians) humans are enfleshed spirits. The difference being what gives a spirit joy verses talking about animalistic impulses. And Wesley says what gives us joy and life is truth and communion. So he has this whole ethic around truth and communion/connection.

So you can respond to the old list of what was good and bad sex not through the lens of procreation but on the basis of what's better communion (eg. it doesn't do harm and is life giving) and what is true. So for example using Richard Wesley you could say rape is still wrong because it does harm, doesn't bring communion between two spirits, and it isn't true/honest connection. It's based on selfishness, not asking for that need to be met honestly, but stealing it. However, using Wesley you could say homosexuality can be good sex depending on how the relationship is structured because it can be communion/union of two whole selves who are being honest about who they are and what they need and are in whole life communion. Totally interesting. There's a lot more to this but that's what I found most interesting about Wesley. His reading is a bit boring, but the concepts are totally interesting.

Now Margret Farley is a catholic nun. She wrote a book that just came out two years ago called "Just Love". And she took the old school (16th and 17th century) virtues and turn them on their head. She uses the same old virtues, but puts sexual ethics in a new place. In the 16th and 17th century they said sexuality and how we were to be virtuous in sex./marriage should be understood as falling under temperance. (The four virtues are - prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude). She says putting sexuality under the virtue of temperance is a totally MALE understanding of sex. Sex for men in that day was something to control.

She says today sexuality should be understood/put under the virtue justice. So sexuality is understood as something that is not scary to be controlled or wielded. Instead sexuality is about justice and equality. About two adult equals communing in a way that is equal and life giving and "just love" as her book title says. I actually haven't read the book so I don't know if this is how she explains it but this is what I got from class.

I guess I share all this to say it's very freeing to understand sexuality this way for me. It allows me to still have a sexual ethic in a more spacious way. One that still has right and wrong, justice and injustice, but does not have the historical perspective of old.

Interesting! Gene Robinson will deliver the invocation at inauguration... Sweet!

2009-01-12T10:46:00.001-08:00

Bishop Robinson To Deliver Invocation At Inaugural Kickoff

from Box Turtle Bulletin by Jim Burroway

In an apparent olive branch to the gay community, President-elect Barack Obama’s inaugural committee has announced that the Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson, who became the Episcopal Church’s first openly gay bishop in 2003, will deliver the invocation at the inaugural kickoff at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday. However, the Obama camp denies that this invitation came about as a response to controversy over Rick Warren’s selection to give the invocation at the inauguration itself:

An Obama source: “Robinson was in the plans before the complaints about Rick Warren. Many skeptics will read this as a direct reaction to the Warren criticism – but it’s just not so.”

My blogging plan until I graduate

2008-12-09T20:58:00.001-08:00

Just so you know I am going to just be posting about once a month until I graduate. I think this is wise since I want to respect boundaries I have set up during internship. And since I rather explain any future moving and marriage plans I may have in person.

I will blog more regularly in a few months (May/June 2009) either here, or by starting a new more professional blog. Most likely a more professional blog.

The Christmas plan includes Lo coming here to spend Christmas all on our own. (Very exciting) And then I fly off closer to new years to visit the family. I am an aunt now so that will be a good distraction.

For now you can see me in action here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/101oranges

Happy images from the internet :)

2008-11-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

Here comes thanksgiving

2008-11-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm going to spend thanksgiving with Lo's family in Miami! I do not remember ever being to Miami. I'm excited. Meeting new people and time in some sun (perhaps). Should be interesting.

I also saw an awful image online and am still finding it upsetting. Surfing for some positive happy image to replace it.

A few pictures from the rally

2008-11-15T17:31:00.000-08:00

Woh. You say it!

2008-11-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

Tagging people is going around AGAIN...

2008-11-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

This time I got tagged from two people and one of them is Nicole (who is crazy cool) so I guess hae to respond. I think it's funny that "the rules" include - post the rules on your blog. :) Ready here we go.

The "Rules":

1. Post the rules on your blog

2. Write 6 random things about yourself

3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you're tagged, DO IT and pass on the tag

Six Random things about myself

I am spending Thanksgiving in Florida and Christmas here in Chi-town. It will be the first Christmas I will have spend not with my family. However Lo and I hired "our very own chef" who is amazing to make us Christmas dinner. Woo hoo.
I hired a vocational coach named Eileen who is amazing and lives in Canada. She has started a ton of businesses. I heart her. :)
This next week I present to my class on dissociative disorder.
I like my engagement ring more every day. I of course also like Lo more every day. :)
I watched the movie "Night at the Museum" recently which is kindof a kids movie but I really liked it.
We are going to have to go get married in Connecticut now that California's Prop 8 failed.

So I am not going to tag anyone but if you want to be tagged and haven't done this yet then please do take it on or share in the comments. Yep. I'm a rebel like that. :)

The not so great blogger....

2008-10-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

I think all bloggers hit a patch where they don't blog as much. That would be me right now. I don't need to kill my blog off or anything yet, but you may not hear form me much being I don't use my blog to process much anymore.

If I was going to blog about anything right now it would be politics. I have been doing a ton of reading of political news. But, the one time I tried that I got a bit of flack. Even more of a reason though is that a blogger I used to read took his psychology blog and turned it into a political blog. I get so ticked off at it I stopped reading. I suppose that was because I see things differently than him. :) hmm.

Any of you have blogs that you used to read and now don't any more?

My weekend in bullet points

2008-10-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Let's see, this weekend I...

I tried to do homework.
T and I grabbed pizza and watched cable which I was totally starstruck by (I don't get out much) :).
I watched the movie "Mrs Petigrew lives for a day".
I spent way the heck too much time looking into wedding/travel etc
I made split pea soup which I loved.
I made a chicken dish that I do not like much at all.
I went to church etc.
I slept in and went for walks.

That's about it. A very boring but relaxing weekend. Sigh. Someday I will get to spend them with Lo.

Awww. That's the best story ever! The bilioburro

2008-10-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

I just read this story another blogger had linked to on the New York times website. About a man in Colombia who has a biblioburro instead of a librarymobile.

Read it here. No seriously go read it right now.

Thoughts on love and committment

2008-10-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

My thoughts this morning have to do with a blog post. A blogger I read from Singapore, Anj, compared these two quotes in her post re-visiting the crush effect:

1) "As long as romantic love exists, remain in the relationship, why stay in a relationship out of obligation to your word?" [Obligation to your word is like "I said i love you forever and so i have to love you forever".] However, this stand can be dangerous [for relationship longevity] if you identify love as the insanely smitten state. "I need to feel in love!" Folks who need to feel "in love" might find their "love" hopping from person to person [assuming that people of their criteria are not hard to come by] and may wonder why "love" doesn't last.

2) Yesterday, Kai told me the principle her father lives by: "When you get married, it's a commitment. It doesn't mean that you will never meet someone else that tugs at your heart strings. But these are transient; the commitment remains.

I wrote this on her blog and have expanded it a bit here...

"I also agree with Kai's father. I also have always believed that love is a feeling to be learned. Or in other words love is like an education. You have a crush in the beginning, but that feeling changes and matures as you and your partner grow and learn about each other. The work we do in relationship to "be/act loving" impacts our feelings, just as our commitment does.

For me love has never been the same as a crush or being "in-love". A crush is fun start to things, but it tends to only last from 6 months to 2 years. Love is a much more mature, adult, and commitment type feeling (if commitment can be a feeling).

Now I believe this because I was taught it in a book called "Love is a feeling to be learned". However, I also think it because I have observed this growing and educational "work" in couples I know who have stayed in "love" and been married for twenty to sixty years. And these couples are not all evangelical christians who stay together because of the shame of divorce or shoulds. They include couples who do not even have a faith background and gay couples as well.

I am pretty lucky to know a lot of people who have stayed married a long time and I think it's because of this that I have confidence about what I am doing here. What I know to be true is that Lo and I are committing to the growth, learning and work of love. We are not just saying "Hey I think you are hot would you marry me?" Although she is hot. :)

P.S. The picture is from the pumpkin carving date we had last night. Who knew you could have so much fun carving pumpkins while talking on the phone? Her pumkin was a peace sign. :) We just want to birth peace and love into the world. (so cheesy!)

Speaking at church

2008-10-19T07:27:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I am giving a little witness at church on bring your
pet to church Sunday!

Crazy... Barking in church. Saint Francis would be proud. I just hope
I don't sneeze.

Going to check out Art Therapy today

2008-10-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to go and try out art therapy. I'm pretty excited. I sometimes wonder if I would enjoy being an art therapist so I'm going to go and see what I think by doing. Since I'm required to go to counseling for school I figure I should try out as many types of counseling as possible. Here's a link to learn more about art therapy.

Through creating art and reflecting on the art products and processes, people can increase awareness of self and others, cope with symptoms, stress, and traumatic experiences; enhance cognitive abilities; and enjoy the life-affirming pleasures of making art.

A hate crime where I do internship

2008-10-15T12:52:00.001-07:00

There's been a racist hate crime where I do internship. Arg. Here's the report from the director of security with any identifying information taken out. The campus is responding to it.

This past Saturday at approximately 8:50 in the morning, a female African-American student reported that as she was walking towards campus, she noticed two white male subjects in their mid 30’s, watching her from their older model light blue pick-up truck. The subjects did not say anything to her, but had a wood sign attached to the front grill of the truck that said “All black people must die”. The letters were hand written in black ink.

The victim stated that she saw the same vehicle and occupants on Friday at approximately 3:00 pm. This time there was a dead raccoon hanging from the front grill.

The Campus Community and the Police Department take this incident very seriously; anyone with information related to this incident or observes the truck should contact the Police Department immediately at 9-1-1.

Then later... All in our campus community, as well as citizens living in our neighborhood, agree that the hate message painted on the sign attached to the vehicle gives voice to a despicable spirit. We agree that such a sentiment should have no place in our community or society at large. Such a spirit of hate threatens the life-safety of select members of our community and it threatens the well-being of all of us. I am very pleased to report that no one has been physically injured through this incident, but the crime goes far deeper in it’s effect than physical pain and injury.

This is where I am right now

2008-10-14T07:39:00.001-07:00

I'm at "a list apart" a web design conference. So fun!

The story.

2008-10-13T22:02:00.001-07:00

I have posted the story of us here if you want to check it out.

Huge news!

2008-10-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

More info on my weekend coming soon! But for now... A picture.

I'm off to NC but here's a little something to watch while I go

2008-10-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

This is an ad that was made to fight California's proposition 8. As I go visit Lo for the weekend it's nice to think of.

Thoughts on living simply

2008-10-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

So I get it, the economy is bad. We need to live simply. It's good for us to be very careful with our money. The news is just depressing me a bit. And it's not that I want to buy stuff. It's more that I hear the news and feel the weight of it. Therefore I could relate to the reading from the book "Simple Abundance" for today. It's a book that's 10 years old now, but so perfect for this year of living in our country.

See if there are any little things of beauty you need today. A sunset, flowers, art that makes you happy, a good smelling candle, a nicely laid out meal...

I'd thought I had overcome the "buy me" syndrome. I enjoyed window shopping and did not feel diminished because I couldn't purchase something that captured my eye. Then I discovered a $45.00 lifestyle book crammed with pictures of things I love.... Angrily I returned it to the bookstore shelf, furious that I couldn't afford the book... All I had may very well have been all I needed, but it certainly wasn't all I wanted.

After several hours of churning, I stopped. Something was going on within; this emotional response was occurring for a reason. I meditated on what had pushed my buttons... The more I thought about it the more I realized I hadn't been paying attention to my passion for beauty... Beauty was calling to me, not objects. After I realized this, I headed for a farmers' market for flowers. But instead of one bouquet, i treated myself to two. When I set my lush arrangement of flowers in the living room, my authentic craving for beauty was satisfied very inexpensively and the wants immediately quieted down."

From the book Simple Abundance - A daybook of comfort and joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach

I love punkin bagels

2008-10-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Yes I say it punkin. :) And they were so so good!

I heart the four agreements

2008-10-06T07:39:00.001-07:00

Just a follow up on last night. I think that what was the most helpful was the book "the four agreements" and remembering what they are. I also journaled and named what was weird. Some of it was oddness with my landlady, that made me feel a bit invaded. She came down into my apartment last night without knocking.

Anyway - here are the four agreements. I love them and find thinking of them is always helpful.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

The f-word

2008-10-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I said the f-word just to cheer someone up.
It's only because I never say it that it's so amusing to them.

Today I had a full and lovely day and I still thought of cutting.
Sadly saying the f-work doesn't work on me.

Tomorrow I will counsel other people in a cute tiny office
which can tempt me to think I have to be perfect
Or that I failed because of the flit of a cutting thought tonight
This is a fallacy with a capital F.

So I take care of myself tonight
in order to contain the terrors of others in the morning.

Like my textbook said,
sometimes we do "fuck-it-up therapy."
Where we learn to hold our f-it-up areas
so we can hear another person voice all that's
f-ed up in the world, in us, and in them, without judgement.

Sometimes it's amazing that sitting with what
one feels is f-ed up is healing.

Hello, I am a random update

2008-10-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

So as you can tell working full time, going to school and doing internship has made it a bit more hard to blog. And I find myself too tired to blog. This tends to happen with blogs though. A lot of you who I watch take breaks. Anyway. Here's just a quick general update And you may want to make sure you are subscribed to my rss feed if you visit here so you don't check when I didn't post. If I do art therapy, then I will have something to post that's easy. :)

Here's some of my update though for now.

Learned about psychopaths in school this week. That is the personality organized around getting one over on you. And grandiosity. No empathy and no conscious. Very hard to learn about.
Counseling is going well. I have four clients with more coming potentially.
Bought plane tickets to go to Miami for thanksgiving with Lo.
Lo bought plane tickets to come here for Christmas.

That's all for now. Well that, and I am having such a hard time waking up in the mornings!

Thoughts on therapists

2008-09-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting here reading psychoanalytic theory in my favorite library for a while this afternoon. And I keep thinking about my experience with therapy. I think therapy is really great. It's helpful but.... hmmm. Let's not use the word but. How about I write a BOTH/AND statement that links contradictory statement together (an assignment I give people to do when I counsel).

My BOTH/AND statement on counseling.
I know that in counseling it's best to share everything with your therapist. AND I don't feel like my current counselor can handle that AND Ironically - I feel exactly the same way about my family - eg. they can't handle me sharing things AND so these feelings are probably a projection AND I still want to quit counseling AND Not only would I miss out on exploring a projection/transference thing then I would also have to find someone new. That would not be fun. AND My school requires us to be in therapy AND if I do not like therapy or my counselor I should at least know why AND I have no idea AND so I'm going to just sit with this until I know a bit more.

Of course I read about projections and transference while thinking about my own experiences of it. Basically I find making no rash moves and sitting with something is the best way to tell if I am experiencing a transference that's family related or I am just sick of this type of therapy. I can also see a spiritual director and meet the requirement for school. That would be fun.

Yeah, both/and statements.

80% of therapy is boundry negotiation

2008-09-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

First the percent isn't scientific, it's what my professor said and I do not know where it was from. However, this week I have "felt" it. I have been learning a lot in school and in counseling clients about boundaries. It seems a person's boundaries and how they respond to the boundaries set on them, not only tells me a lot about how their personality is organized, but working on boundaries is also a way to growth.

In spite of this, I do not like boundary negotiation with clients. For example, lets say I set up an appointment with a client, they don't show, they don't email to let me know they are not coming, they don't email afterwords to let me know they didn't come, but will next week. Then I have to draw a boundary and put them back on the waiting list to reapply. If they appear in dire need of help thinking they have an appointment, unless they are suicidal I have to tell them to wait and reschedule because I didn't know they were coming. This makes logical sense. It's good for me to see how they respond and helps me learn what they may feel regarding boundaries in their families. But I find it difficult to do when I am standing in front of them.

So then I need to process my own conceptualization of boundaries, time, limits, and my reaction to them. Can I only have them put on me but not give them? When is it ok to blow them off and when is it not? What does - how I see boundaries, due dates, appointments, and time - say about how my personality is organized?

Good times, I tell you! You may want to reflect on your reaction to boundaries in your own life. Eg. Do you do anything passive aggressive when you face a limit you don't like (e.g., A parking ticket) or do you scream at the injustice, or do you just take all boundaries and never negotiate. O the things a counselor could learn about you.

Go watch this movie... no seriously now, go rent it

2008-09-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

Watched this movie tonight and it is the cutest movie ever. It's beautiful and a fun story. And if it wasn't about a very awkward cute gay couple my parents could even like it because it has no swearing or sex scenes or violence or anything. It's a good movie. I even picked it up at blockbuster. Plus it's funny because the straight people in this little town play match maker which is quite comedic.

The movie is called Big Eden.

New to me music - Laura Reed

2008-09-19T19:24:00.001-07:00

Lo saw these guys in concert tonight and told me to check them out. I like them. The One World song is the most peppy of them and a lot of others would be great for a date night. What I think is even cooler is this player they use. Isn't it neat? You can embed it on any blog.

It's international talk like a pirate day

2008-09-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

Another fellow blogger I read found this one and I thought it was super fun. Because who wouldn't want to say:

Ahoy! - "Hello!"

Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, "Whoa! Get a load of that!" which today makes it more of a "Check it out" or "No way!" or "Get off!"

Aye! - "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did."

Aye aye! - "I'll get right on that sir, as soon as my break is over.

Suddenly tens of thousands of people are saying "arrr" and "Weigh anchor or I'll give you a taste of the cap'n's daughter," it staggers us. They are talking like pirates -- not because two yahoos from the Northwestern United States told them to, but simply because it's fun.

Learn more here at http://www.talklikeapirate.com.
Or here's the how to guide.
There's also an english to pirite translater.

Here's the wimp clause from them -

Before we go any further, there's something we need to be clear about. Pirates were and are bad people. Really reprehensible. Even the most casual exploration of the history of pirates (and believe us, casual is an accurate description of our research) leaves you hip deep in blood and barbarity. We recognize this, all right? We aren't for one minute suggesting that real, honest-to-God pirates were in any way, shape or form worth emulating.

So what is it exactly that we're celebrating here, if not pirates? What, you're wondering, is the point?

We're going to be painfully honest here, perhaps fatally so.

The point is, there is no point.

On Ray Boltz

2008-09-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

So when I was growing up we listened to Ray Boltz a ton. He's a christian singer and did a lot of dramatic story like songs. Do any of you remember him?

Anyway he just came out of the closet. Read about it here.

It got to the point by the early-to-mid ’00s that keeping his homosexuality hidden had become an increasingly wearying notion.

“You get to be 50-some years old and you go, ‘This isn’t changing.’ I still feel the same way. I am the same way. I just can’t do it anymore.’”

Ohio has no electricity but I am out of there, thank goodness.

2008-09-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

The moral of the story is never be low on gas. Even if it's not winter make sure you have a half tank. There was a wind storm in Ohio and the electricity went out in most of Ohio. I didn't have much gas so I couldn't get out of there because the gas stations couldn't serve gas because they need electricity to do so. So I was stuck over night. AAA travel assistance didn't even help because there was no way for them to get gas to us either.

This morning we found out there was electricity 20 or so miles away in Batesville so two very nice dudes helped me get there and get gas.

Word is they aren't going to have electricity for days.

AEP Ohio Major Wind Storm Sept. 14, 2008 - 10:30 PM: A major wind storm swept through AEP Ohio’s service territory on Sept. 14 causing widespread damage and power outages. At 8:30 p.m., more than 300,000 AEP Ohio customers were out of service. ...Read more

O and the other thing. If you don't have electricity you don't have phones. My hotel didn't have a phone. My cell phone was dying and I couldn't charge it because there was no electricity.

Holy crap am I glad I'm out of there. I am so glad to be home!

Stuck

2008-09-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck in harrisville Ohio with no gas and there is no electricity
so I can't get gas. Arg.

Sent from my iPhone

Hope and good people

2008-09-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today I had a really short chat with L.O. (co-worker). In our conversation she renewed my hope in the church and my workplace. To be honest even though a lot of folk know and are supportive, the incident which I wrote about (and then hid because I was nervous about it being too visible) shook me up. I suppose it would shake anyone up to have a close friend talking about how she shouldn't be in her job etc. because she's gay. It made me feel yucky about everything in this community just because of that incident.

Anyway. This a.m. I had a minute or two to ask L.O. about her conversation with ae. I was hoping since they are both more conservative ae would at least hear her. I have no idea if it helped ae but hearing even one or two things L.O. said renewed my hope in all of humanity.

She said to ae that she knows the word of God but that (insert my name) is a living breathing human being who has gone through a ton of hard stuff. Then ae I guess talked about all the "ministry" I've done to her and how she can't understand how this is me. And L.O. said that this is still me. That I was able to be there for her because I am a person of faith and that I am still a person of faith. She actually said it much better than that.

What was most moving to me is that someone stood up for my character. When I come out to a conservative friend it's hard for them, and they suddenly think that I have turned into an awful person, that I'm sleeping around, or who knows what! But nothing changed in me. I said one truth, which has been true for a long time, out loud. So when someone who they respect (since they no longer respect me) says to them "She is a person of faith" it makes all the difference in the world.

Ellen's wedding

2008-09-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

jj posted this and not to copy but...since you all don't read her blog I wanted to post it too because you may not have seen it. So so sweet.

I heart Marcus j Borg - And I just learned he has a blog!

2008-09-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Lo and I (actually more her than me) have been reading Marcus J. Borg's books. Borg advocates entering into relationship with God as more important than belief about God. His books are really helpful for me. The way he presents Christianity is spacious and makes intellectual sense. I've had both Evangelical's and Catholics recommend him to me. He defined the "emerging" (different than emergent) church, which does not mean what you think it does.

Here's his blog.

I find it an interesting coincidence that multiple people have recommended I read him in the last six months. I like when that happens, when there is a synergy of people all telling you the same thing. :) The older I get and the more I learn the more I adore mainline denominations and their theologicans. Borg and Barbara Brown Taylor the most. Amazing!

Borg is Former president, Anglican Association of Biblical Scholars holds the Hundere Chair in Religion and Culture in the Philosophy Department at Oregon State University. A fellow of the Jesus Seminar, he has served as national chair of the Historical Jesus Section of the Society of Biblical Literature and co-chair of its International New Testament Program Committee, and is past president of the Anglican Association of Biblical Scholars

My favorite prayer - embracing the darkness in ourselves

2008-09-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

God of darkness as well as light, help us to embrace
all that we are. We want to dispel the darkness,
the shadows we find within ourselves. Help us
rather to bring these poles of light and darkness
into unity and learn to be whole, perfectly
ourselves, made in your image.

You who moved over the primeval waters, bringing
light and darkness into the unity of a single day,
still our temptation to judge the dark parts of
ourselves harshly. Lead us to the awareness that
our strengths and weakness cleave to one
another as two aspects of the same energy, that
our virtues and vices are intertwined.

You who make things lovable by loving them, teach us
to listen to the dark energies in our emotions and
relationships, to admit and feel our anger,
resentment, melancholy, envy, and hate. May our
ability to feel and accept all that we are enable
us to act in less hurtful ways towards ourselves
and others. Lead us in ways that are life-giving
for ourselves and others. Keep us from paths of
destruction and let the darkness fuel the goodness
within us.

You who empower roots to grow in the cold darkness
of earth, remind us that darkness is your dwelling
place too. You met Moses in a thick cloud
covering Mount Sinai. Clouds and darkness are
your cloak, the psalmist says. In prayer we often
meet you in the cloud of unknowing, a darkness
akin to your mystery. Make us more comfortable
with the darkness of waiting and hoping, not
knowing what may come.

We praise you, God of darkness as well as light.
Enfold and shelter us on our journey.

- From the Pastoral Counselors Prayer book.

The Daily Show

2008-09-05T11:11:00.001-07:00

I posted here because I thought the last minute of it was funny. (It's a comedy show - do keep that in mind.)

Fair is fair... I added a democrat one too.

I think I've been too negative on my blog lately...

2008-09-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I said to Lo, and she said, "Well then blog about that". Yep when I am crabby or sad you can tell.

I have intentional labels on my blog "things that help", "poetry and art", psychology, and "prayer and the church" because these categories are important to me. Haven't blogged much about them lately. They are due.

Today I went to internship which just started. I am a intern-counselor in local university. I was reading some of the interventions/assignments that the interns previous to me did with their clients. Here's some of them. You may want to try them yourself.

Check off days with a big red X for every day you "don't or do" that thing you want to do or not do. It's to make it visible. Then celebrate each increase. eg. First you only not do that thing one day of the week. Woo hoo you! The next week it's two days. (you get the idea).
Make a list of your strengths. Then the next week ask a close friend if they can help you add to it.
Make a coffee date with that person you need to by next week.
Make new friends. (diversify your friendship base)
Make a list of your grief's then later after naming them write down your feelings next to them. Value them as important not something to be brushed under a rug.
Ask yourself "Will __________ really solve my problem right now?" eg. Will moving, changing jobs, going home, not going home, skipping work, buying that new outfit, drinking... solve it?
Look up what self-efficacy and resiliency mean. Then write them out and post them somewhere. You are more independent and resilient than you think.

More as I encounter more. I kindof like little assignments. :)

Let it be - And sometimes don't

2008-09-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

I got in this conversation about racism and people hating on Obama cause he's black. People I respect (The N's) were telling stories about racism they have experienced this year in the midwest. And we asked "Will white people ever be able to vote for a black man?" N said "It may be that nothing will change until the generation that hates passes on". But then those who are older taught their children to hate as well.

In this same conversation a girl, whose husband is Korean, told the story of how when she got married (less than a year ago) and her grandpa (white) came up to her and told her she was sinning because she was marrying a Korean. Sinning!

Lo and I were talking on the phone this afternoon about how her mom told her she'd rather she date a woman than a black man. My family is the opposite. And I then tonight I saw this video below (a clip from the movie "across the universe") and all the conversations and thoughts of the day came together for me.

I love the song and that the grief at injustice shown is raw. It won't be covered up, it just is. But as far as a future focus, sometimes there are things NOT to let be. O, and you saw that right that's not overseas in that video, it is Detroit! What are you letting be? And what are you not? What am I letting be? And what am I not?

Christmas talk already?

2008-09-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here's my one piece of sharing from the weekend. I went to my parents house. I had a very short conversation with my mom about Christmas. Short, because I think it was hard for both of us. Earlier in the summer I mentioned I'd like to bring Lo for Christmas. This weekend she told me that the family isn't ready for me to bring her.

Lo's birthday is on the 27th I'm certainly not going to miss it and I want to be with her on Christmas. So, it looks like we're going to spend Christmas here in my town. I haven't officially told them yet. I was just clear I had to be with Lo on her birthday.

I've been fluctuating a lot on how I feel. I have never not been with my family for Christmas. I cried multiple times about it, but of course I'm also pmsing so who knows if I'm really that sad. I know they aren't really rejecting either me or Lo, but it feels like it.

What's helped is now I'm super excited to have my own Christmas with Lo. We will have a ton of fun on our own. And perhaps I can visit the family around New Years instead by myself.

So far the best advice I've gotten is that my friend "satte" said that maybe I should ask them if there's another time that they would be open to meeting her that is not around the holidays. So perhaps I'll ask about that.

Del Martin and more things to share

2008-08-29T04:18:00.000-07:00

So first of all before I post some links of things you may want to read I am going to be visiting my parents for Labor day. I think I'm going to bring with the documentary "For the bible tells me so" and leave it there with them, in case they watch it someday.

In other news... This morning Zuzu sent me this story.

Lesbian rights pioneer Del Martin dies at 87 What I think is most stunning is that this picture is of them getting married. "This year, on June 16, she and her partner of 55 years, Phyllis Lyon, were legally wed." Arg. Check out the story and other pictures!

I have to go pack and get ready to leave so this post is short, but my last thought is: That it was totally cool last night to hear Obama reference how gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve to visit the person they love in the hospital. I was shocked because I didn't think I would ever hear something like that in a speech. It is one of the things I am most afraid of. That Lo would be hurt and they wouldn't let me in to see her. And he mentioned that in his speech.

Have you heard of the new reality show "make me a christian"?

2008-08-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

To all those of you who cheered me up, in person or on that last blog post, thanks. :) I also should say I think I'm pmsing a bit so I took that stuff a little harder than I might have normally.

Anyway, do you want more weird stuff to check out? Here's a new reality TV show called "Make me a christian". View some clips here on the official site.

Christianity Today says - A lap dancer, a lesbian, and a lapsed Christian with a pregnant girlfriend are among the participants on the U.K.'s newest reality show, Make Me a Christian, where Christian leaders attempt to bring a group of unlikely candidates to the faith. The show's premise is to find out if Christianity can help repair the moral fabric of British society.

The volunteers aim to live by the teachings of the Bible for three weeks, guided by the Rev. George Hargreaves, outspoken political activist and leader of the Christian Party, and his team of mentors. The participants take Communion, get their own Bibles, receive lessons on the correct way to view sex, and learn about service in soup kitchens.

Here's what I think, it's a little bit funny and mostly ridiculous, but if the point is really to introduce someone to God, this is not the way to do it. It's just a stunt. I wish that there was a show that displayed how people can be things that other people assume don't go together. We are all very multifaceted. And reality TV makes things too simple. Of course how would a person make a tv show about how wonderfully complex and dual natured people are?

Judgement begets judgement

2008-08-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

First of all warning this post for me is therapy and just a vent to get it out.

So for a chunk of time I've not read as many blogs about what people are trying to say to explain who I am. I've had less interesting stuff to vent about here but it's less stressful. I'm sorry if you all have been bored by that. :) But, every great once in a while I read some of Warren Thorkmarten's blog and I did so tonight.

Even though we think somewhat differently, at least he critiques bad research and I don't feel as judged by him or his writing. He has a critique here of a NARTH fact sheet on female homosexual development. Reading the parts from the actual fact sheet I felt like someone said "hey I've decided you are fucked up (even though I, my family, my community, my professors, my pastor, counselor, and bosses, would say the opposite.). Holy crap people, I am a person here and this fact sheet is NOT MY STORY!

For example, here's just one quote of many from this Narth fact sheet that pisses me off.

Women who deal with same sex attraction, possess a history of disindentification with their mothers, and therefore with their femininity. This leads to a longing for connection with the feminine that becomes sexualized in adolescence or adulthood. Without a secure attachment to mother, she fails to identify with mother as a female role model losing the opportunity to develop trust and a healthy gender identity. Because of an empty or distorted view of her feminine self she has an inability to connect in a healthy way with other girls. Her sexual development is arrested.

Here's what I disagree with about this... everything.

I don't disidentify with my mother and I think she is a great role model, a feminine and strong woman.
I have no issue being a woman in fact I feel quite comfortable in my female skin. And as I have "come out" the more I like feminine things. Do we have to have ANOTHER conversation about how gender identity is not sexual identity?
The line about how I want "connection with the feminine and that has become sexualized" makes me feel repulsion towards the writers of this paragraph. Yuck people. They are the ones trying to sexualize something here. [Which I generally feel about ex-gay stuff...that things that aren't sexual to me get sexualized.]
And really does this mean anyone who doesn't want to be exactly like their mother in every way must be gay? Do any of you have something where you do not identify with your mother? Are you gay? 95% of my friends have something where they don't identify with their mother. This is code I think for "if you don't want to marry a man you must not be identifying with your mother".
The last line in this paragraph is "Because of an empty or distorted view of her feminine self she has an inability to connect in a healthy way with other girls. Her sexual development is arrested." WHAT??? I connect in very healthy ways with other girls. My relationships with women are not sexualized. [again sexualizing things that aren't sexual] I love Lo, my girlfriend, but she's my girlfriend. Anyone in a relationship feels attraction love etc. towards their significant other. They don't sexualize all their relationships with people of that gender. Duh? And for that matter especially as a christian who works hard not to lust after things and people.
And there is nothing arrested in me. Which is their way of saying if you don't like boys you must be broken and your development must be arrested. Um. Tell that to my community, my professors, my counselor, my boss, my friends, my co-workers.

What I hate most about this is that feels like such a judgmental writing, telling me that my life, family, self, sexuality, femininity, etc. are arrested or I'm disidentified with something or someone whom I am not. It's not true. And then I want to judge them back for judging me, since judgement begets judgement. Which I know won't help, but tonight I just needed to get this rant out of my system.

I'll ask forgiveness for judging whoever wrote this in the morning, hopefully the writers of this fact sheet will do the same confession someday.

Yes I ate that

2008-08-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

Had a friend in from Amsterdam Sunday and we went to Chinatown. We
wondered why the waiter did not think we would like it. Well from what
we could understand at least. It's squid. I tried it. I really prefer
veggies!

Church feeling overwhelming...

2008-08-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

So I do not know what my problem is. Probably at every church I attend I've had some moment where I've felt horribly overwhelmed and had to leave immediately. So far this hasn't happened at this church until this week. And it wasn't the sermon (at all) because the sermon was actually really thought provoking. In fact, I wish I could post it here. The issue was after the service I stayed for a meeting because I volunteered to read scripture. Something about staying after church, combined with a long discussion of something that should have only taken a hand out and a couple quick words, put me over the edge.

I said to Lo, maybe I have some issues from being a pastors kid. I forced myself to stay for most of it until I couldn't handle it anymore and then I just left. I really do love this church, sometimes I just get really trigged by church. Last time this happened it was much stronger, at my previous church's membership meeting. That time I went home and cried and felt angry because I felt so overwhelmed. I don't even know why.

I think I better talk about this in counseling because it's going to keep me from ever volunteering again if I'm not careful. It's not a panic attack but it's really strong.

Your courage asks me what I am made of.

2008-08-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

I was blog reading here tonight, thinking about this longing to do more, be more, seek more, question more...just more something. I was on a metaphorical journey in search of the "more". when I heard the lines of this video.

My favorite lines in this video are:

"Your courage asks me, what I am made of? Your courage asks me, what I am afraid of, and what do I know of love." And then the line: "Your pain has changed me."

These lines represent a re-occurring set of questions in my life. Questions that come up every couple years. They are questions about more of the form of life, then the function. "How shall I than live?" They ask me more than: What am I going to do with my next five or ten years. Or even "who am I?"

Instead, they ask: What is the container of my life? What are courage, love, or other people's stories asking me? Have I been changed by someone else's pain? In the face of anyone who lives bravely, how can I live a mediocre life? And ultimately this last question is the one I always seem to trip across every couple years.

I no longer think I can change the world, like I did in high school after reading "I love the word impossible" by Ann Kiemel. And that would be a bit too narcissistic anyway. But I think this one poem of hers will probably haunt me until I'm dead. And for now I think it is not such a bad thing to be haunted by even if what the impossible is has now changed for me. (She writes totally in lower case, just fyi)

i love the word impossible
by Ann Kiemel

i love the word impossible
it's like joy after sorrow.
people being friends after being enemies.
rainbows after drenching rain.
a wound healed.
sunsets on quiet evenings after hot, noisy days.
paralyzed, injured limbs learning to grow strong and useful again.
forgiveness after wrong.
truth after fog.
new l0ve-made babies.
birds learning to fly and own the sky.
bitterness turned to mellowness.
fresh, genuine, hope ...once abandoned.
people finding each other at the right moments in unexpected obscure places
for God-ordained reasons.
i love that word impossible because my God believes in adventure and extraordinary mountains, and he dares to be alive
in a world crawling with terrible situations.
he promises to be bigger than any impossibility
because he is love and love always finds a way through in time.
love isn't scared
it build bridges instead of walls
it always hangs on
it waits with stubborn, strong, hope sometimes even years.
love makes God alive in far more than human souls .....

IMPOSSIBLE means that i, an ordinary young woman, can be something special and significant in an enormous hurting world.
I can be love where i live and that is Christ...
and he really does make ALL the difference!

See if you read that many times when you were young it would still probably be with you too.

Developing...blogs and futures

2008-08-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

So lately I have designed six new blogs/websites for other people using Wordpress and Squarespace and I love them sooooo much better than my blog. (example)

It's easier to design in wordpress, and squarespace is probably the most beautiful and easy to use system I have EVER encountered! However it's a pay site because it has extra tools and can be used for other things. I am pondering starting a new site for my personal work (both counseling and webdesign) and just leaving this here. Maybe posting to it less. I still want it online because it's the type of reflection I needed when I was coming out. I most needed to know I wasn't alone. I like the idea of having a professional and a private reflection space.

Another part of why I want to develop a new squarespace professional site is that I got myself a new vocational coach yesterday. An amazing women who lives and works in Canada and who has started businesses. She has a special interest in entrepreneurial ventures. She was good friends with my previous vocational coach. My first assignment is to work on my elevator speech. Which is that three minute speech you give to someone in an elevator about what you do (even if you aren't doing it yet) and why. So I'll be thinking about that this weekend.

Do you have an elevator speech? Also if you read this with an rss feed I did upgrade my blog style here a bit, not as much as I'd like but...Come have a look.

Hi there... So how's it going?

2008-08-21T11:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, I've been a bit quiet on the blog front lately and this is partically to do with being busy. However I've also been doing more processing off blog than on blog. Let's just say I've been reading books about marriage. And if you have any advice this is me soliciting it (Hey you reader I'm a solicitor). What questions do you think it's important to discuss before any type of committment? Not that I am getting hitched tomorrow, I'm just saying...

On the work front, for my job I check out websites. So while I sit here eating dark chocolate and working I thought I'd say "look" new toys. :)

- http://www.bgpatterns.com/(just added)
- http://www.tastebook.com

- http://www.picsengine.com
- http://thepissbiscuit.com
- http://www.dailyslurp.com

God's Coming has been cancelled

2008-08-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

So the blogger "let's kill Saturday night" took a picture of a fly poster in Glasgow and I thought it was amusing so I needed to make sure you all saw it too! I wondered what a fly poster was. I googled it and google said:

An illegally posted poster, especially those used for advertising.
One who puts up posters illegally.

So I wonder if one person put up a fly poster "god is coming" and the next person put stickers on it that said "canceled" or the same person did both? It looks like a poster for a record thought. Hmmm.

In Glasgow they put these Cancelled signs over fly posters. I liked this one in particular.

My inner child is bored

2008-08-18T03:57:00.000-07:00

When children are bored you don't entertain them, especially if they are intelligent, you do what you can to help them learn to be creative and entertain themselves. (So say some of the writings on gifted children). My inner child is bored right now. I think this is a bit odd since school is about to start and I have plenty to read, but I am bored anyway.

One of my favorite books of all time is called "Let your life speak" by Parker Palmer. And ironically this Frederick Buechner book is called "Listening to your life". These books represent a parent, albeit a literary one, challenging me to be creative and entertain myself. But, I want to sit both books down on a hard kitchen chair somewhere and explain that I wish I didn't know my life or in this case, my bored inner child, had a voice.

But, I shall do what the gifted children experts (And Palmer) say. I won't try and entertain or distract my inner child. I will instead sit down and listen to this life of mine and ask it what those experts suggest you ask bored children:

"Ask your child to tell you what it means to be bored. Ask probing questions, like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How would you make things different if you could?” or “What would the perfect day look like?” Don’t put words in the child’s mouth such as “Are you not learning anything new at school?”

As is stated in the article "The Benefits of Boredom," there are actually good things that can come from this lack of engagement. It can lead to periods of creativity, giving the mind time to wander and the time necessary to put those thoughts into action.

And then I will also grieve because for me part of bordom is also due to the fact that one of my sources of challenge and vision is going to be gone in a year, school.

I got roses!

2008-08-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

I got roses yesterday. Lo and I are six months old. Isn't that cute. I'm at work with Starbucks and muffin in hand. The other good news of the day is that at home I have internet access restored (as of late last night) and my fridge is full of dinners from "Dream Dinners" which T and I did last night. It only took a bit over an hour. So now I have dinners for the month and I have the whole evening free to get things done, like actually eat a healthy dinner and work out. Woo hoo.

I don't have internet at home but I do have a new Frederick Buechner book!

2008-08-12T05:53:00.000-07:00

My internet's out at home. Hopefully it will be online soon. So I have to do any blogging at work before I start work and that of course is not as much fun. You don't really realize how amazing it is to have internet at home until it goes out.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and got my butt to a 5:15 a.m. group ride class at my gym. After nearly falling off my stationary bike I got myself back home and then in and out of the shower.

And then I read in this new book I got from my friend Nic. It's daily readings of Frederick Buechner (wikipiedia). I am liking it a lot. He writes in a way that is different than everything I've heard on a topic. Especially about religion. Plus it takes only about three minutes to read because the book has taken his key works and put them into a collection of daily readings. How convenient! It's like doing daily devotions (if you know what those are) but not really because his writing is more spacious and holds a wider expanse of my thoughts than the typical christian devotional.

If you want to read more about him here's an interesting read from PBS Religion and Ethics News Weekly

I'll leave you with a couple Buechner quotes, these are actually from online not from the book I'm reading but...

"If it seems a childish thing to do, do it in remembrance that you are a child."

“Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death.”

“Religion points to that area of human experience where in one way or another man comes upon mystery as a summons to pilgrimage.”

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

Time to gear up for fall, but I wish I was still canoeing

2008-08-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

Hello anyone still left reading. I got back from vacation late last night. As you probably could tell from my pictures I was on vacation in North Carolina. Activities included camping, hiking, canoeing (that's lo in the pic), a lovely North Carolina winery (who know NC had great wineries!), and time with Lo's friends and family.

Today I am preparation for fall mode. Anything fun that I haven't done won't be done now. Because in a week I start school, internship, and my crazy work schedule.

Deep, deep, breathe.

My happy thought is: although I don't know why it works this way, the busier I am the more I get done. For example, when I am working, in school, and doing other things I seem to get so much more done than in the summer when I have lots of free time to do things. Does that happen for anyone else? When I have lots of time I don't get much accomplished. When I have no time I seem to get all kinds of extra things done. Weird. It's like I got into hyper-speed. There's no wasted time.

Grandfather mountain

2008-08-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm still on vacation... Here's the foot bridge on grandfather
mountain north Carolina that we crossed. It was pretty windy! We, Lo
and I and her friends have been camping. It's been fun.

A bear- no really

2008-08-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

Chimney rock

2008-08-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

A lovely day.

Why do people talk on their cell phones in the bathroom?

2008-07-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

So last night I went out with the guys for my friend Peter's birthday to see the movie "The Dark Night". It was great, although I think I still like the story of the last one "Batman the Beginnings" better. Anyway, midway through I ran to the bathroom and there was some woman having a very loud conversation in a stall while going to the bathroom.

I do not get it! Why in all the world would someone talk on the cell phone in the stall of a public bathroom while people are peeing, and maybe more, all around them. Why would they think someone else wants to hear that? And this isn't the first time I've experienced this. I've noticed it maybe a half dozen times. Once I heard a woman in a really crowded bathroom in the stall next to me pee and talk on the phone while there were other noises from the other side. Every time I hear this I am stunned.

I love being able to pick up the phone whenever and where ever, but while going to the bathroom? And not only that, while other people are around? Do people have no sense of decency or appropriateness or or or. It is beyond me. Seriously you only have to wait five minute until you are done. Can we not wait five minutes to make a phone call.

What is the world coming to?

Being outed by google

2008-07-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

So I had a mini freak out last Friday when I realized that my full name will be posted in all press releases and promotional material for the poetry book which is coming out (pun intended). So it's my "coming out" on google I guess.

When I told my co-worker Jane about this she started laughing out loud with grand enthusiasm because someone who works on the internet and who uses google all the time should know that this was a possibility. Why I thought otherwise, is a mystery. What I thought would happen was that there would be hundreds of poems in the book and that they would not list all of the poets by name on amazon.com, the books website, and any other promotional materials. I would have used a fake name otherwise. I think there was a clause about this not being allowed though.

There's no wiggle room on this. I already asked. If my poems are in the book my name will be on the internet. How do I feel about this? In part I feel like I should be fine, be brave, and that really it's not that big of deal. I should just get over it.

On the other hand I feel terrified for no easily named reason. Why, I am not sure. As Lo said "I haven't heard of anyone being searched out and beaten up from being googled." And as C & T said "They can't fire you, in fact you are safer because they would have to find a really really good reason since you could sue them." That's good to know.

So I tell myself things, like people could assume there is another person with my name. Although I know only one other person with my name who exists, and the first four pages of google are me. Let's hope other people think there are multiple people represented. "Really this is not a big deal," I say to myself.

This recent event does make the "play" conversations Lo and I have been having about marriage and merging our last names a bit more useful though. I could just change my last name. :)

See isn't it lovely

2008-07-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

I love julius meinl!

God Save Us From Your Followers (The movie)

2008-07-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

People around here are talking about this movie "God Save Us From Your Followers". Very interesting!

The 10 minute preview

The interview on Good Morning America

Psycobabble used to be about growth now it's about disorder

2008-07-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

I read a variety of psychology blogs and this morning one that popped up was particularly interesting. It's title Irritating Psychobabble disorders win. They polled their readers for their (least) favourite examples of psychobabble - technical psychological terms used out of context.
The winner was:

I get really OCD about...
(click here to read the others)

The blog author compared this to an article on psycobabble from TIME in 1977 on psycobabble and said this:

At least the psychobabble of the '70s was warm and fuzzy, while what we have now is clinical and cold, cynical even; driven not by the language of intellectual or emotional growth, but by the language of disorder.

When I read this I paused and felt somewhat sad for society. There are a lot of great resources in counseling, why is that the words people have taken away from psychology are all about labeling? Is it because naming and judging people feels powerful? Is it because we depend too much these days on research and medical diagnosis over human potential and the things we can't label?

Let's stop labeling ourselves and our disorders for each other and get on with living.

I have a random, yet strong love for the black national anthem

2008-07-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

I have always had a strong love for the black national anthem. In fact, I usually get all teary when I hear it. And I think all together I've spent a good couple hours online just looking for videos of people singing it, because I like it that much (no, not all today. I did work today). I've been having conversations with Lo about issues of race and culture, systematic racism and white privilege. So I just felt like posting this in honor of those conversations and the very small attempts I try to make some days (too few days I must say) to fight racism.

I will never forget the day that I wandered around an exhibit of historical photos near the Martin Luther King Jr. Museum. It was a traveling exhibit of photos white people took of "events" where they hung people. Most of them were from hangings in the South (plus a few in Northern Minnesota!!!). A lot of them looked like it was a picnic or family reunion with the exception of the person hanging from a rope dead.

I was with a very godly and wise black woman who's uncle was hung. Can you imagine seeing pictures that could be your uncle hanging from a tree? After that, after seeing those tears, I knew in a different way how racism affects families for generations.

So since I've been thinking about these things here's my two favorite youtube videos of the song, one serious and one endearing. First the more serious version.

Second here's a girl singing the song shyly in a way that's super endearing. I'm amazed how great it sounds, since she's in a car! I watched about three times because I liked it and then I watched it a couple more trying to figure out if she has her tongue pierced or not.

Kids in church - I love it but then

2008-07-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

This Sunday there were almost as many kids in church as adults and it was fun to see. And most of them went to children's church during the sermon, except for two or three. One of those kids was this loud, squirmy, hyped up two-or-three year old boy. I think he was quiet for maybe ten minutes totally the whole sermon. In fact I have no idea what the sermon was about.

I thought I could ignore him. He started by being relatively loud at the other side of the church with his dad, which didn't work. We sit in a half circle. Then he ran across and sat with his mom who was sitting exactly in front of me. For about a minute he was quite and then he had questions and so was talking out loud. He's three, can he actually know when to be quiet? Is it alright to have kids be quiet at that age? And what age would be. Does it go against a child's nature?

Anyway. I started to realize that for all my love of kids in church it was almost not worth it to go because the kid so entirely distracted me that I don't remember much of the sermon at all. I think it's important to not expect kids to act like adults who can sit still for 20 or 30 minutes. But what do you do? Arg.

Gay man sues christian publishers over Bible verses

2008-07-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

I saw this article in USA Today. This guy is suing the two big christian publishers for what it says about homosexuality in the bible. I doubt he'll win but I must say it did cause me to stop and want to know more!

Gay man sues publishers over Bible verses

CASCADE TOWNSHIP, Mich. — A gay man is suing two heavyweight Christian publishers, claiming their versions of the Bible that refer to homosexuality as a sin violate his constitutional rights and have caused him emotional pain and mental instability.

Read the story from USA Today here.

Read the story from Chicago Pride here.

I can get Pandora Radio on my iphone - Now that's cool!

2008-07-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

I just upgraded my iphone/itunes software so it has the new apps store. Basically what this means is I have some new cool toys. My favorite is Pandora. It's like having radio on my iphone. Everywhere I go I can listen to a radio station created just for me based on any song, artist, or genre. It's pretty cool. I'm currently listening to Jacqui Naylor Radio, it's jazz. It plays other artists that I might like "if I like Jacqui Naylor". So the last song was "Too Close for Comfort" by Dianne Reeves. Damn, these iphones are fun and so is pandora. The human genome project is so impressive! You can use it on your computer as well. :)

You know you are a pastor's kid when...

2008-07-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

You know you are a pastor's kid when parables are your metaphors and you re-write them in your mind! This parable in Luke keeps popping into my head over and over, and it has for a couple months now. I imagine the reason is as much psychological as it is spiritual. It's a parable about welcome. For me it's also about how my life and friendships are changing. Here's the biblical version...

Luke 14:16-23. Jesus replied: A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.' But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, 'I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.' Another said, 'I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.' Still another said, 'I just got married, so I can't come.' The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.'

'Sir,' the servant said, 'what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.' Then the master told his servant, 'Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full. I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.' "

I know this passage is about how God invites those who are poor and crippled etc. to the banquet. But, as a personal metaphor this parable is about how my community and friendships have changed as I've come out. New people are being invited to the banquet that is my life and people I thought would be invited are not coming. Or in other words, my community is changing from those I always thought would "come" to those who do.

Some people drift away and it is normal life, marriage, five new oxen, or maybe they fell into a well. But in some cases the drifting is a combination of life and how my coming out changes the sound of the invitation. So I've found I have been forming new communities, here where I live and with Lo. There are people who, as they find out I'm gay, feel more welcome and invited into my life than they would have before they knew.

I love who comes into my life these days, but sometimes I miss the people who have drifted on. This morning I feel both strongly.

I'm all girly and domestic this week it seems

2008-07-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'm all girly, house wifey, and domestic this week it seems. Don't believe me? Let me tell you all about it. (Like you really want to know). But hey I might make some girl a good wife someday. (grin)

1) I cleaned and rearranged after I got two new coffee tables and a cool mirror from my friend Nic who is moving to Kenya. (see picture) Aren't they the coolest swirl coffee tables. You can't see the one in the corner by the silver chair very well but it even has a swirl base on it.

2) I wore a skirt to work. What? That's girly.

3) I went to a cooking meals event called dream dinners with t. We made three servings of one meal for free to get the hang of it. It's a place where they provide everything for you so you can put together all your meals for a month in about an hour and a half. I think it's pretty cool, but just in case t and I signed up together to share August meals so if we don't like it in the end we shared it.

What I like most about this idea is that when I am crazy busy in September I will have food ready to go, and I will eat healthy because these meals are all homemade and good for me. Now if I just was doing this with Lo it would be perfect!

At the same time as I'm signing up for this, I wish I was like apron strings. She could cook all her meals for the month ahead of time without this assistance. But, then I tell myself even though I like cooking all right, the time it takes for meal planning, shopping, and having all the right spices for an entire month overwhelms me.

What was lost has been found

2008-07-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

I found my car yesterday. I walked around looking for it for a while in the areas they said they sometimes tow cars. And then I called again and they had a more specific area for me to look. Which was helpful. I still think I prefer being towed somewhere random than being towed to an impound lot. It's cheaper and closer to my house. Getting towed to an impound lot can cost over $200.00. Being towed somewhere random just equals the ticket that you get for being in the wrong place.

My car has been towed! Bummer

2008-07-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

My car has been towed and as of this night the city does not know where they put it. Boo hiss. I'm trying to not be to upset about it. But I'd like it back because it has some great new furniture I got from my friend nic in it. I called three places already and the last place said maybe I should file a police report. I am going to wait until the morning to figure things out. I made my way home on the el and am safe at home.

There's nothing like car drama to make a person feel a bit less in control of one's life. Why is it that cars can be so triggering. Getting tickets, towed, accidents. There should be car issues recovery therapists.

Poem: Thou let us

2008-07-10T17:50:00.000-07:00

By me. :)

Thou - let us
do the joy and task of relationship
the work and gift of intimacy
of balance between you, and I, and us.

Let us revel in love and the now
And at the same time stand straight and alone
rooted in the ground, in God, and our source.

Thou let us
love the world better
because we are I and thou to each other.

Things that aren't related

2008-07-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

A list of things that aren't related. Because I'm random like that.

After looking and looking for hard drives although I did like the lego blocks (from my previous post on hard drives) in the end this one was cuter. I searched a lot time for it so I hope it works! It's cute and tiny. Plus the price was good. I got it for $80 off amazon and that was the cheapest I found.

I just got to skype chat with my friend Bobbie in Jordan. She is so fantastic I can't believe she's been there a year!
Then sadly I know this is what you always want to read about on a blog.... My cramps this morning were so painful I threw up three times. Gross! Why the hell do they affect me like this sometimes and not others. I sure wish I knew.

I love the online ceo! Yeah David Seah

2008-07-09T07:41:00.001-07:00

Random sharing... one of my favorite work tools right now are these great forms from David Seah and the online ceo. Check them out if you have a day job!

http://davidseah.com

Also some weird stuff has been happening on my street again. I'll post a pic soon. Remember how someone put a chair on my car? This time someone else's car was toilet papered and had an orange cone on it. Weird!

My mountains and hot tub vacation

2008-07-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am back from my wonderful vacation in Asheville, NC with a stop at Hot Springs, NC. Lovely dinners out, time with Lo's friends, mountain drives on the blue ridge parkway, hikes along some river near hot springs and much more.

The hot springs place was amazing for the price. It's this tiny town with natural hot springs. For $30 in the evening and even less during the day they pump the mineral water into private hot tubs for you.

The hot springs made our skin super soft. Plus how great is it to be in a hot tub overlooking a river with trees all around you. It was lovely and so inexpensive.

I got to see where Lo grew up, we drove all around, hiked and walked the dog to the coffee shop. Everywhere we went we saw mountains. So pretty. I've never lived by mountains before so it's really great to be around them. Although I did feel a bit nervous, not because lo isn't a good driver in the mountains, but just because I am so not used to curvy hilly roads.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. And thanks to your advice and a bit of counsel I think we did pretty well with the dog.

We took the dog for a long walk

2008-07-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all your words of wisdom previosly. We read and discussed them last night.

Today has been a good dog day. I think because we took her for a long walk to get coffee this morning. It was so lovely. We stopped at cutsy shops along the way. Here is something we passed on the way. Um what??? I don't think that will grow.

The drum circle

2008-07-04T16:27:00.001-07:00

Fun 4th of July.

Help...I'm not adjusting to the dog very well.

2008-07-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

Calling all dog loves and those who didn't used to be dog lovers but now are. So here's the thing. Lo has a dog and I'm visiting her. I am very grateful it's one that isn't known for having a lot of dander. And I am not supposed to be very alergic. However my whole live I have been alergic go cats, dogs, birds etc. I also have been bitten by a small dog before.

I think considering all this I am doing fairly well but it is actually hard for us. Any and all advice about how you adjusted to a dog or heard about someone who had a fear/alergies of dogs and then overcame it welcome. Seriously. I need help.

I feel bad that I can't just be fine and love the dog. I want to. I just find it so overwhelming. And since I am here and the dogs here I am just going to have to adjust as fast as I can.

Everyone lives in limboland

2008-07-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is a bit of a "duh" realization, but I just realized everyone is usually in some sort of limbo. People who are single are (if they want to get partnered up) in limbo between singleness and coupledom, people who are dating are in limbo between dating and some sort of commitment, people who are married are in limbo between getting hitched and kids or travel or their next career step or next move. We are all in limbo between life and death. Everyone lives in limboland which is "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition"

No wonder it's more mentally healthy to live in the "now". I used to think someday I would be dating or someday I would have that degree... but there is always a something or someday. I was thinking this today while wandering around my house doing nothing waiting until I need to go to the airport. I was thinking I feel a bit in limbo because I am waiting for all the things that come next: potential to re-evaluate job, the next trip, next year, a new location... so much of the things I am waiting for won't come until next June.

Oddly it makes me feel a bit better to think I'm always in limbo. Maybe I can be fine just sitting in it since it's always there.

Alright off to the airport. :)

How come?

2008-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

How come external hard drives are so ugly? Anything beyond your keychain drive (some of which are super cute) are seriously ugly. Maybe it's not statistically true but it feels like 90% of them are black and they look like they belong on a male programmers desk, not my desk. Yuck! Come on people we all have to back up our computers and this thing is going to sit around can you at least let apple make them look nice?
How come there are condom wrappers between my home and my workplace randomly on the sidewalk? Where in the world are people having sex outside? If it's in the park I really do NOT want to know.
How come the item of clothing I've gotten the most compliments on in this entire year are my new Keen shoes? They are fabulous but have my shoes been that awful before?
How come I don't feel fear anymore of what my co-workers might think of me in my limited outness. I used to, now I do so much less.

Fun in the sun, and some in the rain

2008-07-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

Lo left yesterday. We had such a fabulous weekend. Dinner out, museums, cooking at home, the parade, Lo met "e", and we went to commenter freyasings' wedding where we danced. Our dancing out there with her made her cry. We also watched two movies "Charlie Wilson's War" and "The Brave One". Both were discussion starter types of movies.

It rained during the pride parade and we had to leave a bit early to get to the wedding, but for my first parade I feel like I should have some strong reaction, but I don't. I liked being there with Lo and my church and having a part in making the float.

Here are the rest of my observation on my weekend.

This weekend I did brave things: I danced with Lo at a wedding, I went to the pride parade and passed out buttons from my church that said "human". (I don't love passing things out.) I think it was a bit brave of me to just go to the parade.
There were a ton of churches in the parade. I don't think people get that.
On dancing at the wedding, I'm not at all a dancer and don't usually get out to dance at weddings. But Lo makes me more confident about everything. Neither of us are great dancers but it was super fun.
The church service was so full of celebration and so fun.

Hope all you blog readers are having as good of summer as I am!

Happy pride Sunday

2008-06-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

We are riding the float with my church for the parade. If I may be on
tv I may as show my face here.

I'm back!

2008-06-25T18:49:00.001-07:00

Summer is bad for blogging. And I also have been unsure how to explain the prayer retreat I went to with my mom. I find my fears are generally unjustified, but I still keep fearing that at any moment my family will decide stop connecting.

I think the most helpful and interesting dynamic was that while there I got a lot of positive feedback on the work I do, and my general character. I hope that hearing this helped her. She was hearing great feedback from everywhere and hopefully she was able to tell that I am still her daughter who she is proud of. I did ask about bringing Lo for Christmas. After that she asked a few questions about Lo. She hasn't asked any until now. She asked: "How old is she? Does she have brothers and sisters?

Other than that I've been crazy busy. Here are the top 3 things I've done

Did good on my presentation
Made 2 banners for my church's float in the pride parade.
Worked a lot since I've gotten back.

I'm going to try to reflect more intentionally later... Um. I hope.

sigh

2008-06-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Trying to find a place to sit and hide alone. Not working so well.
Found one and so far three people have found me. Mom's at choir...
Yeah for breaks. More later.

Presentation day

2008-06-20T05:47:00.001-07:00

Today I my presentation on shame for reasearh methods class. Wish me
luck. :) pretty much every study had a different definition of shame.
Most interesting was research on shame and resiliency and shame and
self efficacy. More later when I am not on a train.

Sent from my iPhone

Someone put a chair on my car

2008-06-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

This is what I saw when I came out of my house this morning. Um???

In one year my life will be different

2008-06-18T09:49:00.001-07:00

I have had VERY LITTLE change in my life in the last seven years. Same job, same friends, same location.... This year I've already gone through a good amount of change. Coming out, dating, adjusting to being out in some areas.

Here are just a few of the changes that will happen in the next year. I will graduate from school. I will have to decide what to do next regarding work. My office may move arond the time I have to make that decision. Or in other words, whatever I do in the next year and a half there will be change (office moving). Crazy stuff. It must be my 7 year itch. :)

Wonder if people really do change every seven years?

In other news: This weekend I will be at a prayer conference with my mom. Wish me luck. I am quite sure i will have something new to blog from there! It's likely I'll be blogging from my iphone. :)

A lovely but very busy day

2008-06-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

Yes I am blogging while walking down the sidewalk on the way to work.

Being busy without being stressed is a skill. And it is in my
experience a balance between staying in my skin and using different
types of work to rest instead of stopping my momentum. I am not saying
this is working perfectly today, but It sure is a nice morning.

Some things I've learned about shame research so far

2008-06-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to be good and work on my project/presentation coming up. Hence the small amount of blogging. But since it's what I've been working on let me tell you a bit about it.

I am doing a presentation on shame, what it is, and counseling people who struggle with shame. Lest I bore you here are my top six interesting things about shame I've learned so far.

Shame has been implicated in several mental health problems, such as depression, suicidal behavior, and posttraumatic stress disorder. (Van Vliet)
Shame is conceptualized as an assault on the self, where the individual’s self-concept, social connection, and sense of power and control come under attack. Individuals bounce back from this adversity through a process of self-reconstruction. (connecting, refocusing, accepting, understanding, and resisting.) (Van Vliet)
Women are more accurate at labeling feelings of shame.
The more shame you feel the less self efficacy and the more self efficacy the less shame. Self efficacy is “ one's perception of ability to influence a situation” (Baldwin - The Relationship among Shame, Guilt, and Self-Efficacy)
Shame shows up on the journey from perfectionism to being depressed. “Shame seems more likely to be experienced by a budding young perfectionist who still feels that s/he has not satisfied the demands and expectations of the emotionally important people in their life”. And especially if this perfectionist is female their shame (related to their perfectionism) can lead to increased depression.
Women feel less body shame as they grow older. "Young women's body surveillance and body shame decreased, and their body esteem increased, supporting an age-related changes model.” (From The Developmental and Cultural Contexts of Objectified Body Consciousness: A Longitudinal Analysis of Two Cohorts of Women.)

Weird work place rebellions - in the toilet

2008-06-12T19:55:00.001-07:00

Today I was in the first floor bathroom at work and someone (who shall remain nameless) went on a rant regarding those pink smelling urinal things in the toilets. I think they have just appeared since the new cleaning lady came.

Her rant was kindof funny. I get her point. This is a girls bathroom. They stink and we don't need them in here. It's not like we are peeing all over the floor. If it were me I would have ranted about it and been done. But nope. In an act of covert rebellion she went over, took that thing out with paper towels, and threw it away.

We all have things that annoy the heck out of us in the workplace. Still now I feel bad for the cleaning lady. I have a perpetual sense of guilt towards the fact that we need a cleaning lady to clean up for us. And then I always feel bad because it's a hard job with low pay. I don't ever want to add to a cleaning lady's stress.

What if she feels she is being sabotaged? She puts these in the toilet, this person throws them away. It's a battle of wills and let's just say the "thrower-away" has a lot of will. Poor poor cleaning lady.

Well, if you are going to take scripture literally...

2008-06-11T05:15:00.000-07:00

(Note: I did not compose this. I got it off the Internet. I heard it on the show the west wing and then blogical links posted it on her blog. I don’t know to whom credit belongs or I’d give it.)

I am posting this because I was just asked about it and I thought I had linked to it or posted it here but I couldn't find it. So now it's here.

I do need some advice from you, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Random readings on this good morning

2008-06-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

Morning all. I slept quite well and an interesting dream where I was trying to open up a closet that was cemented shut and had very important books in it. The construction workers in my dream had to pound through the cement. They got through, we opened the closet and there were old books in there. I took them with me. Wonder what that represents?

This is a quick post because I need to go read this morning for my research methods class. I am doing my class presentation on shame. What is shame, the research on shame and what it's linked to...All that jazz. If you are curious, feelings of shame are linked to things like: perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and there is an interesting article I haven't finished reading yet on hypocrisy (masks) and shame. People confuse guilt and shame a lot. For guilt the antidote is forgiveness. For shame the antidote is acceptance. Shame is also connected with cutting. Interesting that there is perfectionism, black and white thinking, and the wearing of masks often in the lives of cutters. Makes sense that same would be there.

Also since I'm randomly sharing this morning. Here's an interesting story that AnJ found.

Gay Unions Shed Light on Gender in Marriage By TARA PARKER-POPE

Published: June 10, 2008

A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships

This guy lived the bible literally

2008-06-10T10:04:00.001-07:00

Video: Interview with AJ Jacobs (Amazon Wire #50)

This is a fun podcast to listen to. A.J. Jacobs lived the bible (everything including stoning people) for a year. Totally a great listen.

Watch this video at http://www.amazon.com/gp/mpd/permalink/m39Z0IYCF2C4SL:m3OSIRU86QHL2E

After the fact - thoughts on homosexuality sermon part two

2008-06-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

(I keep editing this, sorry in advance)
Things I appreciated:

The naming (multiple times) of the complexity regarding this issue especially in the church but even in general. (eg. it's not nature or nurture, you can't "find" a cause).
The reading of a letter from a gay christian in church which talked about how he's been shunned etc. by the church and how you can be gay and christian. It was a good letter.
The request that we as people in the church can/should be able to disagree with someone and stay engaged, in conversation.
That he named his humanity and said here's where I am, I don't know everything...
A long and really wonderful apology saying sorry for how the church has treated gay people.
Someone afterward said, "it's progressive for our denomination that he even preached on it." So for progressiveness.

Things that were confusing... mixed messages.

He went through poor theology, which I think could be great in a sermon like this, but it was too short to work well and it actually confused me a bit.
He talked about how being a gay christian isn't a contradiction, but judgmental christian should be a contradiction. That's good but, then he talked about how he thinks sex outside a marriage between a man and a woman is wrong. Which 'feels like' a mixed message.

[side note on this: he can have his ordination taken away for saying anything other than the party line on this topic. And I was just talking with the person who wrote the letter about this and realized that I really am grateful for the risk taken and especially for the apology! Even if i see things differently than this church. Lo said last night it's likely part of him feels the incongruence or feels that you can be in a lifelong partnership but he can't say that even if he ever did think it.]

Things I did not like AT ALL:

The use of the word "lifestyle". Do you have a straight lifestyle?
The example of giving money to AIDS... giving money to AIDS is good. Putting that in a sermon on homosexuality pisses me off since it reminds me of all the preachers that have said it's "God's curse for gay people". My gay friend who wrote the letter ASSURED me that this is not what he meant but it still trigged me.
At the end he said "can we support gay people who are trying to be celibate? Can we be with those who are struggling with their sexual identity? Can we not shun gay couples?" And that's when I think I want better than not being shunned! Grrrr.

How can I say I appreciate the risk and want more? The more I talk to my friend who is staying the more I wish I was strong enough. But I want a place where I really am fully able to be involved.

I think I'm ready finally to sit down and chat with them. The more I talk to the other gay guy I know who is staying the more I understand the why behind this. AND it is a step towards understanding. I really do get that churches move slow and this was a step. Even while I wish there could be more.

Sermon on homosexuality part 1

2008-06-08T12:27:00.001-07:00

Thank you all for your comments and cheerleading on the last post. I have only a few minutes before going to a book fair but wanted to at least share a my first response on church and the sermon on homosexuality before I go. The first thing my pastor said was "Do not walk out. Just stay and hear me out." So I didn't walk out. Here's the thing...

He talked about how judgemental christians can be, read a letter from a gay christian friend of mine, and talked about how you can be christian and gay. But, he also said he thinks having sex outside a marriage between a man and a woman is sin... amongst his gay/lesbian friends some agree with him and some disaggree with him.

The best this church can do I think is call people to not shun "gay couples". AND to support gay people who are trying to be celebite or who are struggling. He did not say you have to change which I appreciated. It was fairly similar to the chapter in the book "unchristian" if you have read that.

Still obviously I see things differently. I didn't walk out. I felt it was mixed messages which I shall try to explain later.
More later.

Fairs and more fairs - AND then perhaps walking out of church - my old one

2008-06-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

It's the season to be outside not inside blogging. On the docket for this weekend. The art fair, the book fair. (so geeky) And chats with my fair lady. :)

Then this Sunday my previous pastor is supposed to be preaching on homosexuality. I'm going. I also may walk out, we shall see. I know the question is why put myself through that? I'm not entirely sure. It just feels important. It also may mean me outing myself. I will keep you posted.

I overloaded on politics - do I need a political psycholigist?

2008-06-05T03:55:00.000-07:00

I think I have overloaded on politics this week. My waking up to NPR, hearing a particular co-worker whose name starts with a big "M" talk in the hall, reading emails from people who think the world is ending just because Obama is up for election. Seriously? Maybe you have overloaded as well?

That's why I was intrigued when I came across the field of political psychology.

Political psychology is an interdisciplinary academic field dedicated to the relationship between psychology and political science, with a focus on the role of human thought, emotion, and behavior in politics.^[1]...While the grammar of "political psychology" tends to stress psychology as the central field, the discipline could also be accurately labeled "the psychology of politics," so as to more evenly recognize the interdisciplinary nature of the field.^[2]

It's so great that there are other people in the world who think something psychological is going on in politics. What percentage of people vote a way because their parents did, or out of fear or anger, or based on race or gender, or because of a lot of reasons that are about their psychological make up, not politics.

So here are just a few studies I found being done in political psychology at the University of Minnesota (grin). I choose just a few topics I found fascinating.

Dana Adams and Henriet Hendricks, graduate students in political science, are exploring the effects of charisma in political campaigns.
Damla Ergun, a graduate student in social psychology, is investigating the intersection between affect and political decision-making and attitudes.
Social psychology graduate student Corrie Hunt is exploring the relationship between emotional reactions and the structure of political attitudes.
Political science graduate student Aaron Rapport is investigating the role of false consensus as a mediator between confirmation bias and policy choice in hierarchical small groups.